A tough decision to make...?

Question

I am at a crossroads in my marriage and don't know what to do. My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. I'm 26 and she's 24. At the time of our wedding I received a phone call at work that she was having an affair. After some research, I found some emails that supported the call. It seemed like it was more of an emotional affair than anything. I confronted her and she fessed up and apoligized and promised to never talk to this guy again. We went through with the wedding. When we got back from the honeymoon, I caught her again talking to him. I also discovered an email account with her name as Mrs "his last name" with emails that suggested a more physical affair, him discussing dreams of having sex with her, etc. Also, in these emails they repeatedly professed their love for each other. She again apologized and promised not to talk to him. I brought her food at work yesteday and he was in her office chatting and she found nothing wrong with this. Should I leave?

They work together so I feel I'll have to deal with this person forever. This was even after she gave me a copy of a note that she gave to him saying she never wanted to talk to him again personally or professionally so she could make her marriage work. And now she did it again. Am I a fool? Without trust, can our relationship survive? I am a wreck...I gave this woman everything and feel as though I'm getting dragged through the mud in return.

Also, we have no kids...

Answer 1

You are way toooo young to have to deal with something like this for the rest of your life! I am not an expert on marriage or anything, but I do know this, If you wife loves you as much as you love her, then her main objective would be to make her husband happy. You should always come first , then her family, then her job, then friends. All I can say for you is, that you are a very strong person and you must love her very much. Just think, if she loved you as much, would she do this to you? My advise is to send her packing. There are more fish in the sea. Find someone that will honor you the way you deserve!

Answer 2

You two should seek the experience of a licensed proffessional. Apparently there are one of two things at work here:

1. She is a total beast and doesn't have a concience.
2. She is finding that he meets some need that you don't.

Number one is not an at home fixable situation and she needs to seek proffessional help to understand why committment is so difficult for her and why she is lacking the moral compass that points true. Noone deserves to be cheated on.

Number two is sometimes fixable at home if you are both good listeners. Ask her if he is meeting some need of hers that you don't? The answers may be tough to hear so try it gently like this, " Honey i can't help but wonder if _______ is taking my place in your heart, and what he is giving you that i am not. I love you and i am dedicated to our marriage and the vows i made but i have this feeling that you are not totally committed. Is there anyway that we can talk about what he has to offer you that i don't or why he is so significant to you that you cannot let him go?" See what she says and decide if she is full of bull or if she is sincere, BUT BUT BUT!!!!!DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER I AM SORRY I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!! Agree on full disclosure until YOUR trust has been mended. I make sure that my hubby has access to al of my emails, personal and professional. I make sure he meets and knows everyone i interact with, and i include him in everything i do and am willing to take him everywhere i go because i have nothing to hide. if she is sincere, she will do the same for you. if this conversation doesn't work go to a proffessional and if she is not willing to do that, END IT. But ending a marriage should be the last resort!

Answer 3

She betrayed you not once, but several times.
She's lied to you on more than one occasion.
You've only been married a year and a half. (What do you think she'll do next year?)
I would separate both physically and financially.
Start the divorce process.
However, I would give her the option to make amends with filing sexual harassment charges at work against the guy. Quiting and finding a new job, preferably in an unrelated field. Her actions here DO NOT STOP the divorce process it is to only gives her time to show her how much she is sorry. I would explain that if she want to save the marriage then she NEEDS to do these things. If she does these things then I would move to counseling, but if she isn't willing to make any sacrifices then its time to move on.

Since she has lied to you she is a liar so I would not take her word for anything.

Answer 4

I'd say you have some soul searching to do, and for beginners, ask her exactly what is going on, and for sure ask her why she married you. Because marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, and it looks from here the trust is eroding, and she is keeping one of you as the "jerk in reserve". When the trust goes, the other stuff does as well, and you then have a roommate, not a marriage. In your place, if I felt she were dancing around these issues, I'd insist that she join you in a session or two of counselling. Sometime therapists find things you can't. Then for sure, you need to see if she has feelings for this guy, and what the hell is going on. Clearly her attention is being diverted. If she is betraying her marriage to you, you'll have your answer, because, hon, betrayal is the deal-buster.

So in summary, you need to find out what's going on.....At this point, she appears to not take your marriage seriously, from what you hve written. If it turns out that she and this guy are "involved" you'll have your answer, and file to get out before you spend any more time..... if she is a gameplayer, she will be one for many years to come.... and for sure, just as an aside, don't have children with this woman......

Answer 5

This is a toughie! I am going through finding out my hubby had a short affair when he was out f state working. He is VERY remorseful and there has been no more contact. He offers complete transparency!! He understands that he will have to earn the trust back. He made A mistake!! If he ever did it again...he's out the door. Tell her to change jobs!! If she wants to make the marriage work, she will be willing to do ANYTHING to ease your hurt and pain. My husband said he was being stupid and selfish. And thats exactly what it is. I can try to forgive once..but if he really cares he would not put me through this shiit again. And he hasn't. You need to give her an ultimatum, leave the job, or leave the house!! It's going to be hard for you to forgive and put this behind you if she sees him at work everyday. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! SHE HAS TO WANT TO MAKE THIS RIGHT!! AND IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL DO ANY AND EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO HELP YOU COPE!! Good Luck and God Bless!!! By the way, counseling has really helped us...would she be willing to go?

Answer 6

Something is definitely wrong with this marriage.
If you were suspicious before the marriage, you should have postponed your plans and given the relationship more time.
She is not being truthful and you are caught up in this threesome.
Confront her and ask her to be honest about her feelings.
Tell her it is better for the both of you to deal with the facts now.
It would be foolish to stay in this marriage if you can not trust her.
You will always doubt her.
She probably cares about you very much, and is finding it hard to break this off.
You need to be strong, and tell her whatever is going on, you have to know and will be able to handle it.
You have your whole life ahead of you and deserve the right to happiness.
Dont throw it away on someone who does not share the same feelings as you do.
Be strong and you will get througjh this.

Answer 7

She is taking you for a fool. She keeps n lying and you keep on forgiving her. You already draw the line and she continues to cross it disregarding your requests.

Dear asker, I suggest for you not to waste any more time with yoru spouse. Life is too short to be miserable and she is defying the sanctity of your marriage and her vows by continuing a relationship with this man. If she was serious about making the marriage work, she would stop talking and emailing him and fantasize about having his last name! For heaven's sake, what an insult to you!

tell her, well, I'm in the middle of your life together, I wish you all the hapiness to you both,

Find an attorney and divorce this person. She will continue to cheat and think that "there is nothing wrong with it". Well, it's very wrong and there is no way of justifying her actions. If you continue forgiviing her, she will continue doing it. I know that you love her but you have to love yourself more.

Get out now before she gets pregnant to lock you down.

You are young and can find a person to respect you. Marriage is about trust, respect and loyalty, and she has none for you.


There is no room for love and distrust in a marriage, they are excluding terms.

Good luck

Answer 8

Been in a similar situation before and its hard to leave someone after you build an emotional attachment, but no one is worth it. The more you forgive her, the more she will take advantage of the situation. It's always easy to go back, but the right thing to do is not easiest thing to do. I know its tough, b/c you have your pride mixed along with emotional feelings, but the thing is actions speak louder than words. She is convincing you with words and not actions. Take some time and think about that. If you decide to leave, which I hope you do in your time, you will find out will actually gain, not lose. You will regain your dignity, and the opportunity to find someone that you deserve.

Answer 9

Hun, you need to get away from this woman and find someone who will actually appreciate you and everything you do for her b/c apparently she doesnt in other words she has her cake and is eating it to and your definetly right with the whole trust ordeal she's lied to you umm twice now..I wouldnt trust her and a relationship builds around trust...if you dont move on your going to be miserable the rest of your life and at constant worry about who shes talking to or what shes doing behind your back!!! GOOD LUCK....just remember how this is making you feel....

Answer 10

I'm so sorry about all of this! It's got to kill the heart. If I were you, I would leave. I'm usually a "stay and work it out" person but now she doesn't take you seriously when you say no more because you've said too many times. Besides, there are so many women out there that will be faithful and want you and only you. Think about it! Much luck.