Can you advise me on this relationship?

Question

I am married 21 years and have five kids, 18 down to 9. A new woman (married 30 years) came to work at my company, and I have totally fallen for her. She's everything I have always wanted in a woman - beautiful (46, looks like she's 30), smart, edgy, funny and kind, and many other things absent in my own wife. I know she likes me too.

I feel like I have lived my whole life wanting things or people I can't have, held back by responsibility, fidelity and guilt. Our own departmental boss had an affair with his assistant, and wound up divorcing is wife and marrying this woman (who also divorced her husband). He is pretty happy now.

Should I go for it? I don't think I have ever really loved my wife. I was never too excited about her, married her coming off a relationship with another I desperately wanted to marry. Now I have found love again, and I don't know what to do.

After viewing the answers, I realized that one common thread was a thought that I am cheating on my wife. That is not true, I have remained faithful to her my entire marriage.

Nobody has to tell me about responsibility - I have worked my tail off for my kids to provide private schooling, and to give them what other opportunites we could afford.

My wife irresponsibly drove us into debt, led us to two bankruptcies and a foreclosure, and has really provided very little inspiration and support, except, perhaps, for the couple of years. Her energies go into the children, not her husband. I am there to make money and clean up the messes.

I am a little tired of trying to make everybody else happy, at my own expense. I have been doing it for nearly 20 years. Every time I have tried to do something for myself, my dear wife has quashed it, as being "irresponsible, and not taking account of the kids.

This is not a mid-life crisis. I went through that one already. This is a life re-evaluation.

Those people who mentioned lifetime commitment are living in a different era. We went to a therapist not long ago who told us that if he had been giving us pre-marital counsel, he would have advised us not to get married. He was astounded that we have lasted as long as we have.

Even if my friend at work and I were to never have a relationship, my situation with my wife would still be what it is. My friend has simply shown me that if I were to get involved again, if I divorced, that there are wonderful women, good women, kind women, who are out there. I would love if it were her, but she's married, and I have never even broached this subject with her. But, she showed me there is hope.

The person who spoke about a Corvette and an SUV is laughable. What's even funnier is that I drive an old Volvo, and in fact, prefer them.

It's not the "excitement", the "new injection of life/love", it's the fact that I have been unhappy for years, but have plowed on because of a sense of responsibility, mostly to my kids. But does that mean I have to ignore my own happiness completely, for their sake?

Some of the answers were pretty shallow and meaningless, but one or two made me stop and think.

Answer 1

No. Be true to your wife - the one you made a lifelong commitment to.

Answer 2

How do u know ur boss is happy? Does he tell u that? Bet it would be a different story behind his closed doors!!! Is your wife awful? Do you want revenge on her? If not, what has she done to deserve this?? So what if this woman is nice looking. I bet it would change if you had to worry about keeping house with her, paying bills with her, taking care of the kids with her!!!! Stop being so damn selfish and put life back into your marriage, dont start another relationship. Statistics show that a marriage from an affair WILL 80% of the time end in divorce. And why the hell would you put your kids and family through this!!! Maybe your wife should go find some hottie that looks good and will make her feel good!!! How would you feel about that? All I can tell you is you need prayer and you better think long and hard before doing anything. Think about what you stand to lose!! The respect of so many people. But if you really feel like you have deprived yourself (and carrying and giving birth to your children was a walk in the park for your wife, by the way) the GO FOR IT!!!! Enjoy the little hooch!!! If you don't think you ever really loved your wife, why did it take you 21 yrs to figure it out. You've wasted her life...she could have been with someone that loves and respects her!!!

Answer 3

Claudia, how true is he being if he is giving false love to his wife?

Seems to me you have forgotten one important factor, just because this other woman may like you, how do you know she is willing to break her committment to her husband? Right now you are feeding off the excitement of possibilities but there is no guarantee of what will happen down the line.

Only you can decide what you need or want to do. If you must let the relationship between you and the other woman develop and see if there is a future there, then so be it. You are the one that has to live with the guilt and the fact that you may be hurting those around you.

I am not saying that you should be unhappy. Sometimes we have to do what is best for us and you never know, maybe in the long run it will best for everyone.

Regardless of what you decide, you need to sit down and talk with your wife and let her know how you feel.

Answer 4

Oh... can you spell middle life crises?

It's easy to judge your wife and to believe that you never loved her just because you are attracted to this lady. After 21 years of marriage, of course things are wore down and lack luster, but you haev made it so far by being faithful!

First of all, she is married! So are you. Just because it worked out well for your co-worker, it doesn't mean that it will work seamesly for you too.

I agree that new love will inject life into you and make things more exciting for you, but I say, do the right thing and give your marriage a chance before jumping into having an affair and hurting your wife and children.

Try to go on a seocnd honeymoon with yoru wife, go to counseling with her, try new things to spice up your romance.

If all the above fails, then try to separate and see how things work that way.

Good luck

Answer 5

Wow, this is big. Don't divorce your wife, at least not yet. Don't risk certainty for uncertainty. Firstly find out if this woman actually likes you and would be willing to leave her husband foryou and at the same time spend more time with your wife so that you can have a better picture of the situation and determine if this is what you really want to do.Also think about your kids what is gonna happen to them if you just walk out of your marriage. I know you feel like you haven't got much out of your life and that you are always putting the well-being of others before yourself but you are an adult and like it or not that is what is required of you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that your suppose to stay in your marriage and be unhappy forever, I'm just saying that before you make an impulsive and life changing decision find out all the facts first. Remember ones man treasure is another mans trash just because it worked for your boss doesn't mean its gonna work for you.

Good luck!!

Answer 6

Take it from one who knows brother, the grass may be greener on the other side , but it is full of dog poop. If you do not love your wife, let her go before you find your true love, she may be thinking everything is great and here you are not happy. she deserves to find happiness as much as you do. Ask yourself, would you want a woman who would cheat on her husband after 30 yrs of marriage??? she did it to him she would do it to you. I have been married for 22 yrs myself, and I have thought the same way you are now, but I would give anything to go back in time and fix what I have broken, Take the woman (that is raising your kids, cleaning your house, washing your clothes, listening to you when you are just being stupid, and there when you need her) some beautiful flowers and try to make her feel loved and needed and maybe she will be that woman you have always wanted.

Answer 7

NO!!! stop, its infatuation. you're excited with the IDEA of this other woman. your wife has been there for you, and stick by you all this time, now because you see someone new who is "new and exciting" it doesnt mean it will work out for you like it did for the other man you mentioned.
besides you have to think of your kids. dont just think ... "oh they'll like her, they'll adjust" becasue even if they outwardly show signs of adjustment, they now have ammo against you and you do not want your kids to have that kind of power, you'll basicaly have a small army against you!
it sounds to me like you saw a new Corvett and your still drving the SUV and just want to hear that engine purr and wheels grip the curves in the road, and and the easy weaving in between the cars, but if you get into an accident at those high speeds, the Corvette is gone, and becasue you gave up you SUV that would have probably saved your life in the accident, your stuck out in the middle of the highway. see what i mean?
if you want excitment, take you wife on a vacation, do things you dont normally, go kayaking, take a helicopter ride, go rock climbing or horseback riding and go strawberry picking. something.
do not just give up becasue you saw something new and shiney!

Answer 8

even though this person seems to be what your wife isn't how do you know she won't make you unhappy in 5 years? Is it worth all the pain you will put your children through? You have been married 21 years, I would stick it out. I'm not one for open marriages or affairs, but I would consider that before leaving-- think of your children.

Answer 9

When our lives don't seem right (and yours, my dear is full of responsibility) it's easy to blame it on, and think we can fix it through, a change of marriage partners.

I'm not judging honey. I'm just telling you I think you will be trading one set of troubles for another and your self respect with it.

Let this inspire you to work on the marriage you have. I've been married 25 years so I do know where you are. sigh.

It's a hard one. But believe me. The one you are looking at will get old too. She just will. It's some kind of law of nature. Think of your kids and make the best decision. I'll be pulling for ya.

Answer 10

Don't be stupid fer Chrissakes. Look down...unzip your fly...reach in and unscrew the tip...remove your brain and place it back into the vault between your ears.
You are asking for trouble buddy and quite frankly why you'd want to trade love and security plus your entire family for a new lifestyle is beyond me.
Don't think that I feel like that sometimes? Sure...we all do. but why leave home for hamburg when you have steak.
Of course...you go right ahead. Then sit back and watch the wife go from crying, hysterical and miserable as she downshifts to angry, vindictive and wanting to screw you over in every way possible.

Here's alittle something to remember...and Barbara Bush said this (no kidding) "Ah yes, divorce. Ripping a man's penis off and emasculating him by way of his wallet"

Pretty good analogy if you ask me.

Answer 11

Listen...This subject hits close to home for me, my old man went for that woman he met in his office, well she ended up having a husband who shot and killed her when he found out, then he killed himself....my mom moved out because my old man was cheating on her. Now I'm 20 years old and I ended up becoming the only man in my mom's life. Your decision changes the lives of everyone. If you like this woman....my opinion don't cheat, end it with your wife before you do anything. Think about what the people in your office will think of you. You could lose your job over this. Put your kids first. They need you more than your wife, more than this new woman.....