I need suggestions on how to discuss the fact that I'm really close to walking out on my Husband. I've talked to him about his drinking and the problems that have arose this year because of it. Everytime I bring it up he says he understands where I'm coming from and swears he'll change, but he hasn't. Last night I woke up smelling smoke and found him passed out in a chair with a lit cigar. First of all we don't allow smoking in our house. Secondly he could have burned down the house.
I've told him I'm concerned for his health and our marriage, but this obviously is not working. I don't want to tell him to stop drinking just stop over doing it. It's always when there is something important going on,it's getting really old making excuses for why he acts the way he does.
I love my Husband, he's my best friend, but I can't go on living this way. Does anyone have any suggestions?
2006-12-14 02:22:58 · 19 answers · asked by LJ 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him that you don't think he has a problem, but he needs to get it in check. You are his best friend, and you love him, so be there for him. I think he is using drinking as a coaping macanism, and thats not good. But also to you are in the grind with him, not against him, so be his companion not his keeper. In the background be the strong one. When he sees this, he knows he can come to you rather then shy away, and go to the booze. I really hope you can come to a compramize, because at the end of the day you are there for one another.
2006-12-14 02:31:01 · answer #1 · answered by Tyler C 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should show him that you mean business. Start going to Al-Anon to help you deal with this problem. If you can afford it both of you need to go to marriage counseling - no excuses from him - he has to go. Issue an ultimatum and don't back down. Research everything, and have a plan when you speak to him. Speak calmly and firmly. Stop begging, nagging and arguing. From what you say, he knows he has a problem. You say he doesn't have to stop drinking. However, he has already demonstrated that he can't control his drinking. So, he has to stop. AA has a good record for helping people. You say he is your best friend, so do everything in your power to try and save both you and your best friend from any more pain. Give it your best shot, good people are hard to find. The Psychology Today website has a national referral service for counselors, and this might help you find someone in your area. AA might also have some information to link you up with a marriage counselor - ask. Finally, I only know your situtation from your question. At some point and I don't know if now is the time, but you need to ask yourself a question and answer it honestly - Are you better off with or without him?
By the way, I definitely wish you good luck.
2006-12-14 10:53:51 · answer #2 · answered by Pethy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wait a minute, if your thinking about leaving your husband, STOP RIGHT THERE!
He is your HUSBAND (remember that), you as his wife should be more supportive, as much as you say you love him, now is the time to really show it. Stop nagging at him & demanding him to change. Change does'nt happen over night, with an alcohol & tobacco problem, he will need several months of counseling depending on him & how much he can tolerate. Please do not put any pressure on this, his mind is not at a normal state right now because of his alcohol intake. If your so worried about your marriage, then take him to a doctor for help. Don't just leave him, what kind of wife are you? you say he's your best friend, but can he count on you to be HIS BEST FRIEND also? especially during this time of need. Of course, his problem will affect your marriage but it's no reason to run out on him. You should help him, don't yell at him & pick fights anymore, blah-blah-blah this & that....it can become annoying & he could be the one to end up leaving you because of your mouth. You need to learn to be more loving & learn how to talk to him in a more supportive way. I know his actions upset you, but your the only sober one here. Addictions come with excuses for his actions. Addictions always bring a person back where they started, especially if they don't have support of people who love them.
So, if your thinking about leaving him, then maybe you are just not the right woman for him. He's better off without you & I hope he finds a woman who will help him over come this obstacle in life & get him back to being normal again. You have to understand that sometimes people need patience. In reading your story here, it sounds like you don't have any patience. You can't change anyone. You can help them change but you can never force them to be what you want them to be, especially when they have an addiction.
2006-12-14 10:34:07 · answer #3 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband is not taking you seriously. Even though you Love him, you probably need to let him know that he can't get away with this behavior anymore! Put your foot down and ask him to leave the home until he can prove that he has taken steps to change his ways. It sounds like he is to the point of making it a dangerous living situation, falling asleep with a cigar. Tough Love is what it's called. You would be helping your relationship, and helping him by doing this. He will probably continue this life style if you don't do something to let him know that you will not tolerate it any more. Put your foot down and stick to your guns! I wish you the best!
2006-12-14 10:47:06 · answer #4 · answered by blmarkham 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If You love yourself tell him to fix his problem or you will leave because the next time he will burn down the house. My dad just use to drive us through ditches and that is not cute we managed to get ourselves home after he would pass out behind the wheel my brother was 11 years old when he learned how to drive thanks to my dad. So think about this do you want to live like that. So you know what tod you are not a child
2006-12-14 10:37:25 · answer #5 · answered by toofavorable 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most of the time, addicts and alcoholics can't see beyond their addiction. It takes a really hard fall before they wake up. They must realize they have a problem themselves. If I were you, I would get in my car and drive to the nearest Alanon meeting where you can spill your heart and feelings out to others who have been through it, and learn how to keep your own sanity. Alanon will teach you how to keep a clear head and make decisions based on what is best for you and your life.
I know it hurts and I wish you healing and peace.
2006-12-14 10:36:27 · answer #6 · answered by Victoria N 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is a very difficult situation. Have you suggested couple's counseling? From what you describe, he has some serious problems. He might be alcoholic, or on the verge of becoming so. Even if he is not willing to go into counseling, you might want to go by yourself, to help you sort out what you really want in the situation.
2006-12-14 10:28:03 · answer #7 · answered by AClaire 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1. Leave him. Now. If he's come this close to burning down your house and killing you, then his alcoholism has become a fatal illness. Leave him. He's not going to change until he wants to and clearly nothing he's done so far -- including endangering your life and his own -- are getting through to him. Leave him before you leave this earth by dying.
2. Seek out an Al-Anon group to help you understand that his problems are not your fault or your responsibility.
2006-12-14 10:26:56 · answer #8 · answered by Karen L 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ive been married for 11 years, he drinks a lot , he always has, he makes promises to stop or slow down, never happens it only gets worse, you need to leave and hope he relizes he loves you and needs help, dont live that way its not worth it
2006-12-14 11:33:21 · answer #9 · answered by paula_5150 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should tell him to seek help for his drinking. If not, then let him know that there's no longer any reasons for you to stay. He's so caught up in his own little drinking/smoking world that if you leave, maybe he will realize that he lost something good. You know how it goes, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." Good luck!
2006-12-14 11:20:27 · answer #10 · answered by pangfvlx 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋