How do I deal with my ex-husband's e-mails?

Question

My ex-husband and I have been trying to work on changing custody of my child. She is 14 and lives with her Dad in another state. He is not able to manage her (teenage years) and wants me to come back and live with them. I don't think that he has changed so I don't hink I should go back.

However, he sends me e-mails saying that I am selfish, stubborn and dishonest and don't care about how my actions have ruined the lives of others.

How should I react to these e-mails? Is it best to ignore them or try to defend myself or understand why he is saying what he is saying?

Answer 1

He is only saying these things to try to get you to come back--just treat them like a feather and blow them off your shoulder. Talk about more meaning things--your daughter. That's the subject between you and you ex anyway, and if he has such a problem with her teen years--and can't handle it--then maybe he ought to send her home to you where you can handle her.

Answer 2

He's probably finding different ways to get you to do what he thinks you should do - go and live there with them. He seems like a child at a toy store - first asking, then pleading, and finally when none else happens, throwing a fit/tantrum to get what he wants to get.

First, he's being just too selfish about his own career, life, house, etc. He doesn't suggest moving over to where you are or discuss other alternatives of your visitation.

If you completely ignore those emails what he might do is to use that as a point to tell your teenage daughter how insensitive a person you are. Reacting to his emails will only lead to more emails and more accusations and more pain.

The best way is to ignore his emails and language but communicate with your daughter about what the situation is. By being expressive to her and honest with her, she'll definitely understand your situation. The key is how well connected you are with your daughter - who's probably more important to you than anyone else.

Answer 3

Sounds like he just wants you back. If he can't manage your teenage daughter then the best thing would be for her to go live with you. Most likely he is worried about paying child support. He is just trying to wear down your self esteem by sending you the messages that he does. He sounds bitter from the divorce. He is really the one that is stubborn, selfish and dishonest. Just ignore the e-mail message and don't respond. Make sure you save all of them(e-mails) in case he drags you to court for something.

Answer 4

See a therapist for non-judgemental help. They don't give you answers, they help you sort through your wants to make decisions you can live with.

It's always good to consider the situations of the other person. In some cased it can show you he may just want someone else to deal with things that he doesn't want to deal with. On the other hand, I believe there are always things we can work on to be better people. Some of the things he's saying may have an ounce of truth that you can work on even if they may be said in anger.

So basically, I don't see that living together with someone you agreed to seperate with as a good idea for the two of you OR the teenager who you will be sending huge mixed messages to. Your teen is learning about life from you two: learning how to argue. How to stand your ground. Learning compromise, and how to work together when appropriate. You probably won't see the fruits of your labor until she's well into her late 20s though. That's just the way things tend to go.

Set your email box up to route his emails to a specific folder then only go into them when you're emotionally able. Keep them for worst case scenarios but be sure to read them first. They probably contain updates on your daughter as well as all the nasty stuff. Try to step back from the emotion of the situation so you can think clearer then consider the choices you have as they relate to you and your daughter's future and well-being.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I'm gonna tell you that it is best not to ignore them, that will probably make him madder. I would not even recommend talking by email, because people say things that they normally only THINK when they are on email.

I would talk to him on the phone. Make him know that you are available to talk to him, that will calm him down a lot. Tell him you want your daughter to grow up calmy too- but some kids have trouble divorce or no divorce. She could have had those problems anyway. Tell him you got divorced because of the problems you had with him, and the problems are serious and they don't seem like they are going to change, but you both have a chance to make each others lives a lot more livable if you cooperate around your daughter.

Answer 6

I think the best way to deal with a problem is to face it. If you ignore the problem it will not go away. You need to talk to him and by emailing you will have time to think befor you say anything to him. I think you should try by one of you moving closer and stay seperate to work on your relationship with him and your daughter. You can get her every other week or weekends to try and help them out. This will build a stronger bond between your family too. If you don't move in with im right away, you will show him that you are independant but would like to try and bond with your family. Other wise not putting yourself in a bind before you are ready. Especially since you do not think he has changed. Good luck on finding what works for you!

Answer 7

Who says you need to move back in with him? Sounds like you're considering moving back to the area, so apparently changing jobs isn't an issue.

Just because you go back, you don't have to live in the same house as him, and if it's one of these "he needs to change first" issues, it's probably not a real smart idea to move in with him anyway.

Smartest route would be to consult an attorney or child's advocate, see what they would suggest since he's insisting he can't manage the child he was granted custody of.

Answer 8

First of all, he is the same person you divorced. He needs you, but that doesn't mean he cares about you. You can tell by his selfish e-mails. I would not even open the e-mails. If you want to take the responsibility of your 14 year old, then discuss that, nothing else. By the way, she is old enough to tell a judge which parent she wants to live with. Good luck!

Answer 9

Okay did you do something to break the marriage or did he??? Call him and ask why he is he saying all these things just because you don't want to be in the same house with him? If he is having that much trouble managing the 14 yr then he can just send her to live with you for a while.

Answer 10

Tough situation.... A lot of times people say things they don't mean because they want to invoke an angry reaction....other times, they are hurt and they want to hurt the person back....neither of these are correct...but is it possible that he loves you still? Is it possible that you love him? Is it possible that you can work with him for the best interest of your daughter. I don't know the details surrounding divorce, but young girls need their mothers.....they need security and love....If it is at all possible, consider going back to live with them....try to build a different type of relationship....maybe you could both go to counseling together to learn how to just "work together" for the sake of your daughter.

Times are so rough now, our children need us more than ever. If we don't take the opportunity to mold them during these impressionable years, we run the risk of losing them to the negative influences that are so prevalent today.

Tell him in his e-mails that you would prefer to discuss things after you have had some time to think things over. You are faced with some very tough decisions....I hope everything works out for you and your daughter....