Trouble achieving orgasm with boyfriend - not on my own!! How can i change this without hurting his feelings??

Question

Sex is great we have lots of fun, but i cant quite get there, it is close but then i lose it. Is it me that needs to be more honest about what touch works for me, I fake orgasm just so as not to hurt his feelings........which i know he would hate if he knew. Any tips or advise please????

Answer 1

I appreciate the other answers here, most really are trying to help you out with ths. However, I must be brutally honest here. Not mean, by any notion, just place some basic truth on the table. Some women do not get off via penile penatration. It is that siimple. Some don't because they have never been honest enough with their partner to take the time to explain exactly what it is which gets them off. Some don't becuase they simply fail to understand the normal developement of sexuality of women, and when they are young they are full of high expectations of romantized sexual encounters with fantasy lovers who can get them off in spectacular multiple ways, which cause rockets to launch and stars to burst, and bodily transportation to another realm. This expectation falls way short of reality, and due to this huge descrepecy woman fail to understand exactly what went wrong, and often think what is wrong is them. Then we have our fears of hurting our partners egos, and we have a receipe of disaster within the bedrooms of millions of woman across the world.

There are always the exception to the rule, so some young woman get lucky and get off easily without much effort on a man's part. Then there are some exceptions to the rule with young men too, and they are fortunate enough to have learned somewhere, from somebody, to pleasure a woman before allowing himself to get off, and to ASK her what she likes, and to REALLY SEE what is working and what is not.

With that said, let me explain a bit of how the developement of woman's sexuality progreses: Teenagers rarely "get off" via penile penatration. They are too stiff, to worried, to self conscience to allow themselves to "let go" and trust their partner to achieve orgasim. They can get themselves off without any problem, but a man is unable to take them over the edge. This creates great frustration as again and again they are brought to the peak, but are unable to take the plunge over the other side to culmination. Then there is the simple fact that most teenage girls are only having sex because they know their boyfriends expect it, not because they really want it themselves yet. Young women take longer to be truely ready for sex than young men. This descripency causes great angst and confusion. When we add in the fact these young woman rarely reach orgasim, well, you can see how this would create problems. To be specific about the problems this causes, just look at your own situation. You know you are able to reach orgasim on your own, but are unable to participate in any conductive manner with your boyfriend which will lead to him truely being able to assist you to fullfillement. Once the lies and fake orgasims begin, and the longer it goes on the harder it is to come clean. However, due to a woman's need to feel orgasims, they begin to wonder if it really is with the man after all and shouldn't he really know by now wether or not he is actually getting a woman off? This leads to the wrong conclusion that perhaps a different man would be able to, and this can lead to cheating or broken relationships while young women search for that man who can get them off without their having to explain anything to them. It creates a vicious cycle and brings heartache. Some women give up on ever reaching penile orgasims, and then they just reconcile themsleves to a lackluster sex life. Which is so sad as it is siimply unneccasary.

However, if women understand that their sex lives are different at different ages, if they knew that it is normal to really not acheive penile orgasims in their teens, twenties, this relieves them of feeling that something is wrong with either themselves of the men in their lives. They can focus on acheiving orgasims in the method which actually works for them. Men don't really care HOW they get a woman off, just as long as they CAN get a woman off. If she won't tell him what works, if she can't trust him, then of course it will not happen. Understanding through education, openess, and honesty is always what works in any aspect of life.

A woman must first trust herself before she can trust a man. Without full trust, there will be no penile orgasims. A woman is not made like a man. Duh, we all know this, but then we really don't. Men can get off just with a dream. A woman can't. She can become very aroused by a dream and wake up to feeling a strong desire for sex in order to bring her arousal to culmination, but the dream itself is only a verhicle, not the actual destination, like it is for a man. Men can get off just looking at a photo for goodness sakes!! LOL Women will become aroused by a photo, but won't get off by it. Men and women are very different physically and this causes problems. Men don't understand women and women don't understand themselves, thier own biological needs and abilities.

When a woman understands that self esteem, self trust, self confidence, and trust in the partner leads to complete fullfillment, they are abile to take that risk of actually opening up and reaching for the ellusive orgasim. As women age they slowly come into their own. Women who once were self consicence teenagers, slowly gain confidence in themselves. They discover what it is about themselves which is good and valuable, and in doing so begin to honor themselves. When this occurs they are able to trust themselves which leads to trust in their partner as they are making better choices now than when they were younger. It is difficult to trust a young man who you know is dating you mostly for the sex. The young woman wants companionship, the young man wants sex, and little talk. Which is a great indicator of why young women should wait to engage in sexual behaviors. If a young teenager just honored herself enough to not have sex just because her "boyfriend" wants it, and waits until she has grown up enough to begin to know who she is; is able to form mature decisions, and understand her own value, then she is able to know the man she is with is with her out of love and not the desire to have sex.

Anyway, I dont' want this to go on too long. The bottom line is that young women do not have a solid enough foundation of their sense of self to trust themselves, let alone trust their man. Without that trust a woman is simply not able to acheive an orgasim when having sex with a man. Trust is as neccasary to orgasim as air is to life. Without trust their can be no letting go to the point an orgasim can be reached. She will gain the crest again and again, but fail to fall over the other side, or come as it is called as that is exactly what she is doing, she is coming out the other side and allowing her body to go out of control. It is that out of control aspect of sexual orgasim that is denied when trust is not there. How can a woman allow herself to loose control when there is not trust, total trust in herself and her partner?

So, we begin the litany of lies and deception in bedrooms across the world. A lie once told is difficult to retract, for multiple reasons. For one she simple really does love her partner and doesn't want to hurt his ego. Women tend to put others before their own needs, and this is laudable, and wonderfully nurturing, but in this case is misguided and leads to misery and unfullfilllment and frustration. Another reason is the fear that somthing is "wrong" with her, that she is frigid, which is an accusation tossed at women like a bomb and has the capacity to cause nearly as much soul damage as a real bomb would have on a physical body. So. fear becomes a hidden trap which keeps a woman from expessing her needs.

If you want to acheive orgasim with your boyfriend, you first need to be educated about female sexuality. Goggle it for crying out loud, look up the studies, and empower yourself. Truth is very freeing, and once you begin to get an understanding of your sexual biology you will relax. You can then share what you have learned with your boyfriend and explain to him how this got to out of hand, and how much you love him and want your relationship to be all it can be. Once the truth is out in the open you can both work toward undoing the damage all the misconceptions have created. You will find it very satisfying to say the least. lol

Listen, if he loves you he will understand. Just arm yourself with knowlege and take that to him. If he does not really love you would't you want to find out now, rather than later? A man truly wants to please his woman, and if he loves her he will be very understanding and gental with a woman who communicated this situation in a healthy manner. I firmly believe any man who really loves his woman will want to work through this with her. How do I know this? Becuase I was once that young woman too. I once went through this exact same situation. I too was faking orgasims, and lying to my man. I thought I was frigid with men, but I didnt' even understand what "frigid" really meant!! It does not mean an inability to attain penile orgasim. It means not having any interest in sex at all. That certainly was not the case with me, so I was liberated when I discovered I was not frigid after all. I then educated myself further, did some investigaive work into what a womans sexual progession is, how it works, how it is different than mens, and I also educated myself about mens sexuality too. Armed with my newfound information my head swam with the implications and I went to my husband and shared it with him. Together we found our way to a place where we were able to acheive what the books talk about. Oh, no rockets go off, or stars burst, nor transportation to other realms, or out of body experiances, but good 'ol body spasming, rocketing down the other side of the waves, fullfillment, pleasure and utter relief. Boy is it fun too!! LOL Plus, women are capable of multiple orgasims, that part IS true. Can you imagine? Yep, it is well worth taking the time to educate yourself and then discuss this with your boyfriend. Don't wait as long as I did dear, get right on it and goggle this for crying out loud, don't take my word for it. You will find plenty of studies and articles on this issue and you will be amazed at what you learn. But, the main secret is trust, trust in yourself, and in your partner. Without trust women are unable to let go, and without the ability to let go, well, there is simply not any way a woman can reach that orgasim without letting go.

Good luck my dear, please goggle this and educate yourself, then take what you learn to your boyfriend and set yourself free to truly have remarkable sexual experiances with him. There is a lot of bonding you are missing out on too. Goggle away and have a good time doing it.

Answer 2

You have to get out of this pattern to make it better or it won't change. Since that seems to be where your at... here is how.
Tell him the following.
The way a woman orgasms is never the same. We are wired totally different than guys and for some reason, you are having more and more trouble getting there and need him to try some things to help you out of a rut. This is totally not about him so if giving him some suggestions for changes that will help you will offend him to tell you right now! You might instead like to say you want to see if he can totally read you and give you an orgasm totally from his own skill.
He needs to practice really watching your facial expressions and your body move in rythm to his touch. He needs to see what you like or not. My husband freaked me out when we first got togehter because he always gave me what I needed and when asked, he said he watches my face and my reactions and gives me what I like. He has learned the tricks but says sometimes he has to change them because what works usually may not every time, so when he sees it isn't working, he will try something else and when I like it, he increases or continues.
My husband also has a deep sexy voice and that really helps!!! So if yours has a voice you like, tell him to use it. And you need to try and raise up to his hand when it is good and back away or stop moaning when it isn't. If he does something really nice, reward him with a scream or moan so he knows he is doing something good. Good luck.

Answer 3

Oh man that's horrible. You fake with him! No wonder you're not getting what you want, he's never had to suspect otherwise.

If you can't talk openly and honestly in a relationship, about everything then you just don't have a good relationship.

You need to ask yourself why you think he would feel it would hurt his feelings when really what you're asking and wanting to share with him benefits you both. That's a symptom of a lack of trust. If that's true how can you have sex without trust?

Answer 4

loads of people have this problem, so dont let it get you down too much. try to avoid faking it, i know youre in the habit now but its your only option if you want actual orgasm with him. show him how you do it with his hand on yours. aside from hte physical the last moments of actually coming are probably more psychological than anything else. the more worried you get about it the more tough it will become. try not to let it ruin sex in general and the less you focus on it happening the more likely it is to occur. you'll be so much happier when you've shared it and didnt feel like you had lied.

Answer 5

Girl, first you need to stop masturbating because you did say you don't have a problem getting one on your own right. Masturbating takes something from your sex drive while having intercourse with your partner. I know it feel good when you do it but it takes away the anticipation and excitement of being with that man. Then next you need to tell that man what turn you on and off. And quit lying to yourself, the sex is not great you are just doing something to keep him happy not yourself. In the long you will be looking someone else to make you satisfied in bed. Because right now you are playing and not being honest with yourself. Don't ever sale yourself short to please someone else. You will be faking orgasm the rest of your LIFE!!!!!!

Answer 6

i faked all the time with my ex hubby, just sex aint enuff, its the foreplay that gets u going, you dont know what ur missin! my new partner wow! one i can talk too him, two he spends time pleasing me first, when he,s done he doesnt just get off , he knows i might not be done too so has a little after play too! talk, tell him you might need more than a willy for an orgasm! have fun trying!

Answer 7

since you have been faking them he probably thinks he has been doing a good job and isn't trying anything different because he thinks he is already getting you there. my boyfriend and i had the same problem. you need to just be like how about we try this_______ just kinda lead him into it without being like you can't do it and i need you to do this. ask him if he would like you to do anything for him as well. that way it's not really pointing out to him that he can't get you there. that would bruise his ego a little i am sure.

Answer 8

Um... yeah, if my gf fakeed it just to make me happy, Id be pissed. That is our goal. Anyways, back to you question. I think you should be more knowledgeable to your boyfriend and tell him what works. Massaging this, sucking that, spanking this and so on. My girlfriend told me what was needed to help, and trust me...I can tell! I dont think anyone can fake that emotion. Try different possitions or dirty talk.

Answer 9

Speak to him, mind you it mite be the partner!! It took me 5 partners and 9 years before i found a guy that could take me all the way and i ain't loosing him now i have had it i couldn't go without it!!!!! xxx

Answer 10

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Answer 11

I agree with ravensgirl. You can say when its right "Ooo..now thats it" and you can do a little "make me feel good right here" by showing him and hold his hand and guild his fingers and let him know by saying things like " when I get wetter it sure is better"...Enjoy!!!