Should I stay in this broken marriage, or should I go?

Question

I've been married for almost 28 years. Finally figured out about a year ago that I am a worthwhile person, and deserve much better than to be treated like dirt and a doormat. Never came first with him, calls me stupid, dumb, swears at me, yells at me. Sex has been on again/off again. He had a 4 yr affair in the early 90's I didn't find out about until 2000, while he was overseas.; during that time he really treated me poorly.
I thought that was what I deserved, all I could expect. Now I know better, and have changed a lot. He is still the same. Do I continue to give him more time to meet me where I am now? To become who I need him to be? Some days I think he is trying to become a better person. We go to church every Sunday, for one. He asks my opinion about some things; never used to. Yet... we are more like roommates living in the same house, who to sleep in the same bed than a married couple.
No job, major health issues, my vehicle needs repairs, I feel trapped.

Answer 1

I really feel for you; and the pain that you have. There are many great suggestions given above, and altho I can't tell you what to do, I will tell you what I think. This type of thing happens to alot of women, and they deserve to be treated with love;... the reason you got married. What seems to happen is they start feeling as worthless as their mate makes them feel. Inside, they start believing, as he shows them, they actually are not a person who deserves respect and love. Some people call it "abused wife syndrome"...and it's tough to get past it, as long as you lie down without a real fight, trying to prove that you have some self esteem left. ( which is what they have taken away) Having an affair, as he did, probably would have ended it for some women; as that is really an emotional betrayal...not to mention the pain fro you. You are really a forgiving girl, and altho that is good to forgive, the reward should be that he is sorry, and will treat you as you deserve to be treated...sounds like he hasn't, and probably never will... Sounds like a fault of his, not yours.
You say you've finally figured out that you are a worthwhile person, and that now you know better, and that is good. But, I would say that 28 years of you trying to get him as he should be, is really enough of a chance for him to realize what a great person you are. You have been patient, and hopeful, but haven't received much reward; and who really knows IF he will really change? Does he love you? Do you love him? or don't you know?
If you don't love him, and feel that he can't really change to the way a loving married man should behave, I would seriously start thinking about your next move. And...keep it all to yourself; don't discuss any of this to him, just move along towards your goal, quietly.
I would pray to God for answers.
I would start trying to get my health problems under control, if possible.
See if you can get your vehicle repaired and get a bit of a social life, just to keep your perspective and your sanity. It will help to have friends or family to talk to, and have a carefree time for a few hours, every now and then,
If you start feeling better, get a part time job; as having a purpose, like working, and being with other people can be very uplifting and help to give you more self confidence. As you start getting a new life, you will then, after a while, be able to make the most important decision...should you leave, or do you really want to go? Maybe getting on with your own life, having a sense of worthiness, and maybe someday finding true love, is what God has in store for you.
God Bless you and I pray for the best for you...you really deserve it.

Answer 2

Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. List ALL the bad things on the left and ALL the good things on the right. Assign each thing a number from 1 - 5 based on its importance, to you -- with 5 being monumental and 1 being virtually insignificant (e.g. leaving dirty socks on the floor might be a 1 whereas belittling you in public might be a 4 or 5.) Keep the list around for a couple of weeks and add every single thing he does that affects you to it in the appropriate column with the appropriate number as it comes up. Try not to do any assessment during this time -- just keep adding to the list. When the time is up, add up the numbers, and the answer should be staring at you. If you decide to stay, get counseling, preferably couples counseling. If you decide to go, get counseling -- the goal would be to learn enough about yourself to know what will make you happy and what isn't likely to so you can make the right choices in the future. One thing to remember is that time really does wound all heels. Best of luck!

Answer 3

If you're not blissful then no of direction you shouldnt keep. And congrats on your weight loss i know how complex it may be. You'll be a modified character very quickly and dont ever let any individual step all over you ever again. Be robust and hold your head up,,you can do some thing you place your intellect to. But i believe should you arent joyful then you definately must get out. You're going to see as soon as you might be for your possess how much less stressful your lifestyles shall be. And you might truely have some piece and quiet. Im sure being unhappy contributed to a couple of them illnessess. Excellent good fortune and congrats.

Answer 4

You have given this man more than enough time to change his ways than you should have. Hes going thru some good motions but unless these changes come truly from within then nothing else can change. Words are easy but actions are hard and only you can tell that after all these years. You can try seperation to force him to change and see what happens, otherwise its time for you to live your own life and follow your own dreams and quit wasting time on him before he takes everything from you including your dignity and self esteem. Move on. Sorry, good luck and Merry Christmas

Answer 5

in case you at the instant are not satisfied then no of direction you shouldnt stay. And congrats on your weight alleviation i comprehend how confusing it quite is. you would be a replaced guy or woman good away and dont ever permit everybody step throughout you ever lower back. Be stable and save your head up,,you're able to do something you positioned your recommendations to. yet i think of in case you arent satisfied then you definately could desire to get out. you will see as quickly as you're on your very own how much less demanding your existence would be. and you may actual have some piece and quiet. Im specific being unhappy contributed to three of them illnessess. stable success and congrats.

Answer 6

He has taken you for granted. The last 28 years you had given him everything, and now you are complaining. Good, you have finally woke up. Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself 'are you prepare for another 28 years'.

I strongly beleived that he will not change but lady YOU CAN CHANGE.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Dont hurt your self. Try to find out what you can do best for your life. Give him a chance. May be in the past he was nt good for you. And if he is changing it is a good sign for you. I beleived you both are made for each other ths why you are still together.
good luck & try again .. every thing will be going to okey soon.

regards,
Love

Answer 8

First Seek counselling.
Secondly upgrade yourself by getting a job,education or something worthwhile to do. This will enhance your confidence.
Thirdly engage in a soul-searching-trip. What do you want? How would you improve this relationship? How have you contributed in the deterioration of this marriage?...e.g when he verbally abuses you how do you react?

Though you have not mentioned children, if you have them what would be their reaction?...I mean 28 years is no mean feat.

Answer 9

If its been 28 years and you feel this way, then you have your answer... people get into routines, and this sounds like its been a 28 year routine, hes probably not going to change now. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

First get a sense of independence , if you feel confident enough to stand up on your own two feet then you don't need him as a support system anymore. See if you can find any classes nearby to boost your confidence because you need others to empower you to let you know that you can leave.