He started being agressive and violent-hitting me with objects and threateningto kill me.I became didtant and couldn't evevn be in the same room as him so he suggested we split and we did.He lives over the road.He didn't think hitting me with things was violence as hedidn't use his hands.I don't love him and he does me still.Our little 3 year old is always asking why daddy doesn't live with us anymore.its heartbreaking.the other child is just a toddler so doesn't realise.i'm relieved we've split up.i'v also been out with a couple of men but shoud i try and love my husband again so our little boy can be happy.I know if we got back it would only be for the children and I would be counting the years till i could leave.i'm confused.
2006-12-13 19:43:52 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Stick with your decision. Do not get back together just for the kids sakes.
You would regret it in the long run and so would he.
That is my advice anyhow.
2006-12-13 19:47:09 · answer #1 · answered by superman in disguise 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stay away...it will only be a matter of time when he will replace the objects with his fists-so do you not think he was trying to tell you something in a round about way?!? You can always tell your 3 year old at a later date why you had to split up with his dad, and as long as they have contact there should not be any problem-especially as he is only across the road. Your children will be even more confused at you having other men around so soon after their dad was with you all, suggest you leave off the guy's for a while-for the kiddies sake?? You say you don't love him anymore, but he does you?-i am sorry, but a child would not a good enough reason for me to put my life,(and my childrens life!!),or my sanity in danger again. You are best off as you are.
2006-12-13 20:31:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't even consider getting back with him!!!!
Firstly, you said you don't love him, that on it's own should be enough. A loveless marriage is bad for all concerned! Counting the years until you can leave him will just drive you mad and make you miserable. Secondly, and I think most importantly he has been violent towards you! This is TOTALLY unacceptable!!!
So for that reason alone, don't even think about it!
I know how heart breaking it is to see your kids upset when they don't understand why you've spilt up. I went through the same thing when my partner and I split 6 years ago. Our daughter was 4, and would get very upset and ask me why I didn't live with her and mummy anymore, it even upsets me a bit now to think about it, but children are incredible little things! They very soon adapt to new situations, and soon accept things. Just as long as he knows that he's loved (which he obviously is!) he'll be OK. It won't be easy, but it'll be a lot better than being in a relationship that is damaging both mentally and possibly physically!
Don't be too keen to rush into another relationship, get yourself and your kids settled into your new lives, which takes longer than you'd think!
Just hang in there and things will work out!
2006-12-13 20:23:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My father was an 100% horrible and disgusting old man and now that he dead I have a better relationship with him. He abused my mother, and reaked havoc on the ilves of 6 innocent children (me and my siblings) he beat my mother, watched us go hungry so he could buy smokes and in general terms I have no good child hood memories at all. I asked my mother why she stayed with a person who was violent and angry and hurt us all the time and she said " I stayed for the sake of the children" and my response is "What sake?? and that is how I feel. When father was not there on the rare occassions mother ran away for a while life was realy pleasant and quiet. The word Quiet is the best word to sum things up - we were at peace but when he came back to terrorise us and deprive us it was not quiet anymore.
I think what I am trying to say is that this man has beaten you up - how do you think that his actions will affect your little boy?? It is a well known fact that perpertrators of violence are violent because they too saw their mothers violated and beaten and it effected them. children learn violence - do you want your son to be violent. Also this man who says he loves you nad the children threatened to KILL YOU and take away the children's mother right and he says he loves you??
Also this man takes no responsibility for his actions because he sees that he did not wrong because he used objects - so someone being hit by a whip is not assault, or a stick or a hammer - no he is just trying to convince himself he has done nothing wrong. as for loving you - he hit you thats not very loving. He threatened to kill you and take away your children's mummy. Yes it is hard for your three year old but children are adaptable but it will be harder if he hits you when your son is 6 or 8 and your toddler is 4 0r 5? No you yourself said you were happy and you dont love him. Go get some counselling and ask him to get some counselling as well and organise all the legals for custody to you and let him see the children but it sounds like you are happy . also you cant force yourself to love and respect someone who has done awful things to you. You are not his possession and if he hits you will he hit the children ?? Maybe he wont see any harm in hitting your son when he is 6 when he is questioning more and this fellow hitting him with a plate, or a towel, or a vase or a stick. Violent people can always justify their actions. Dont let him back in - and eventually maybe you could move so he cant be so close - living accross the road does not give you space. Good luck in your decisions.
2006-12-13 20:13:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
no no no. i understand you want your child to be happy, but i think he wants a happy set of parents. by going back to him you aint gonna give him that. you ex is an idiot. he know damn well that hitting with objects or fists amounts to the same thing which is violence. you plan on going back so he can finish the job and kill you? my ex was mentally abusive i wasnt as unlucky as you, but it kills the love and that is what your husband has done. he's killed your love for him. you should never consider going back. you go back and your showing your son that violence is part of a normal family and he'll grow up and repeat the behaviour. as long as your child see's his dad then there isnt a problem. sit your son down and explain why daddy cant live at home. not to much info, just enough, something like daddy was wrong to hit mummy and now he cant stay here. plz dont go back. the precedent of behaviour has been set and the fact he wont face up to what he did as wrong and violent says it all. he's a bully.
2006-12-13 20:07:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you get back with him for the kids, he will continue to hit you with things. then, when he can't find something convenient enough, it's an open hand. then, a fist. then he's throwing you. first it's just onto the bed or the couch. then, into a wall. down a flight of stairs. into the street. out of a moving vehicle. and after he's thrown you into the hospital a few times, you get to ask yourself that all important question. "what is he doing right now? the kids are home... and so is he." will you feel ok with yourself, knowing you did it for the kids, when your at your child's funeral? crying over the little casket that the abbusive bastard helped fill?
my advice to you is this. pack up the kids. leave. go somewhere very far away. start a new life. make new friends. find new love. give your kids a better chance at something resembling a normal life. if you don't... if you stay and wait for him... then let me know where to send the flowers.
2006-12-13 19:51:10 · answer #6 · answered by wrldzgr8stdad 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Dont ever go back for the sake of the children! They may not see and know now, but if you do, one day they will see their father hurting you, and that will upset and damage them more than the seperation. The fact that he has threatened to kill you, is something completely disgusting and I would be inclinde to actually speak with a social worker, as he may become a problem later! Your husband sounds dangerous, and I would clear up any visitation right immediately, as he unstable. Especially since he says he still loves you. You don't hit someone with anything, if you love them. I would arrange for supervised visitation! Please don't fall into the trap a lot of women do. Going back is not going to give you the chance of being happy, and your children deserve a happy and loving home. They are far to young to be subjected to this kind of behavior! Violence doesn't change ... it only gets worse! Think of your kids and yourself. Your husband had his chance. Good luck and be strong!!
2006-12-13 23:27:07 · answer #7 · answered by lynne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way. Your intentions and reason for doing so are good but until he is able to get his temper and violent ways under control, this is not good. Theres a very good chance that his abusive ways could overflow eventually to the children too once they get older and manage to "get" to him, and that definitely isnt good. It isnt your responsibility to explain why daddy isnt living with you guys, so tell your son that daddy is too busy working and cant always be home and let him explain the situation to him or tell him the truth later. Your best bet here would be to divorce him, which you would be awarded custody and child support,the house and possible spousal support too. Also just because he doesnt use his hands directly, its still spousal abuse and assault. You can get a protective restraining order against him if needbe. But cut your losses and move on and dont look back. Good luck
2006-12-13 19:56:35 · answer #8 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
THERE IS NO POINT TRYING TO LOVE A WIFE BEATER!,
A leopard never changes its spots so don't ever think about starting over ..
This idea that because he hasn't hit you with his fists doesn't count has being a beating is ludicrous and is symptomatic of someone who is in denial.
I can sympathies with you about your wish to bring your child up in an happy home with a loving mom and dad, sadly though from what you describe your house hold falls a long way short of this ideal and really is more harmful to your child's happy well being and emotional development. Kids see things and hear things even at very early ages that will effect them for the rest of their lives. so don't be fooled by thinking that its best to stay for the sake of the child, because its not!.
You should allow your estranged husband access to his son but also make it clear to him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that you want a divorce..
2006-12-13 20:45:13 · answer #9 · answered by robert x 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not go back to a violent relationship for the sake of your children, they would suffer more psychological damage long term seeing their parents in a relationship such as this than living apart from their daddy.
An awful lot of kids grow up these days with just their mother, if they can see him at weekends then all the better.
Just try to understand that you have managed to escape the violence - something alot of women can only dream of this Christmas x
2006-12-13 20:06:07 · answer #10 · answered by Poppy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't try and love him as he is. If you are thinkin gof gettin gtogether with him again - try and find out why did things tun that way. Why did he become agressive. It is possible that he cheated on you and became agressive to cover up his guilt. Who knows. You might try family councelling. I understand that you are considering to take him back mostly because of the children. But please realize that childern will be uhappy if you are unhappy. If you think getting together with him - think is it possible to make it into a good family. Think how would you feel if he became agressive towards your child. What would you do if you were to come home to find your child all beaten up. If you think you can turn it around than go for it. But I'd say, if he dared to lay his hand on you - keep him out of your house.
2006-12-13 19:51:44 · answer #11 · answered by Snowflake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋