is it okay for a married man to go to a bar ?

Question

My husband goes to a bar after work to shoot pool w/ friends. He's trustworthy but I feel that sometimes he should just come stright home. he gets off work at 12 am and there is no reason to go to a pool hall that late. I feel that I work and take care of the house, 3 kids, and go to school as he does is work I feel that he needs to bring his *** home after work. Now before you answer, I do want to say that when I get off work if im 10 minutes late getting home I get 20 questions and the 3rd degree. if I can't go to the gas station after work he should bring his butt home afterwork too. U know

Answer 1

I don't drink, so I would say NO, but let's get real: Your question is loaded with some resentment about how he treats you for doing something you believe is not only less offensive but necessary (like getting gas after work). His response sound like a 'King of My Castle' mentality...and he's forgotten the Queen and the royal subjects (your kids) also make up the kingdom of your marriage.

I think your question is really about roles and responsibilities in a marriage, and whether your husband is being responsible by going to a bar to shoot pool with friends instead of coming home to be an active part in your life and your children's lives.

I have used these in another answer, but I think they'll work for you as well:

A) I'm not you: The things I do and enjoy may not be the same things you do and/or enjoy. Just because football/internet/playing pool at the bar with the guys are your idea of excitement, they may not be mine. Can we set a schedule of when we do your things for a reasonable amount of time and then we do my or our family things?

B) Not sharing = not caring: I won't know that you care about me (or our kids) if you aren't sharing some of our activities or spending some time doing things WITH me (AND our kids) and not just FOR me (or our kids). Maybe you didn't remember but this is MY home/room/special place also and I'm not going to put up with having you occupied solely with what you want to do when you want to do it. It's not fair to me or to you if I let you think that's all I (or our kids) will be happy with.

C) Do you really know how MUCH this activity is taking up in your day? You might be able to demonstrate this more visibly by actually taking the opportunity to check the clock when he begins and ends using the Internet around you. A week is probably all it would take -- you'd have the evidence to support your assertion that the Internet IS occupying more of his time than you (and your children) are -- and not just in a casual so-so way.

Don't think you are alone, ma'am. Just about every other wife in the US also has a gripe about something their husband chooses to do without them. Maybe a relative (like his mother or an aunt, or his sister) could be more sympathetic than he is to your concerns and (horrible as it sounds) may be able to impress upon him how inappropriate it is for him to just assume his actions are just and your being ten minutes late is a breach of responsibility to family.

Answer 2

Well before l read the last bit of your question l was going to say perhaps he likes to unwind a little after work and as long as you know you can trust him, what's the problem ?? Not every night though ofcourse. After reading on however, l think if he can't give you the same courtesy, forget it !! What is good for the goose is good for the gander in my book. If you are getting the 3rd degree for being late then he has a cheek not coming straight home after work and l would be complaining also.

Answer 3

The only solution is open communication. Have a discussion with your husband about this matter.

There are things you need to understand:
1.) Don't tell him he can't go to the bar. Instead, ask him that on busy days he should put his family first than enjoying the night out with friends. It must be clear to him that there are shared responsibilities in the household. Responsibilities first before pleasure.
2.) Be reasonable. Don't demand too much.

Communication, communication! that is the secret.

Answer 4

I wouldn't say it is wrong that he goes out, I mean a married man is allowed to go out but not every night like it seems he does. And he should also allow you to go out aswell. To tell you the truth when I finish work the first thing I want to do is go home and be with my husband. I have gotten tired of going out etc.

Have a talk with him and use the fact that you can't even get gas on the way home as leverage

Good Luck

Answer 5

Your right your husband shouldn't be out that later after work. If he has energy after work maybe he should get a 2nd job. I don't think its right for a married man with 3 kids to be acting like a young stud...too late dude. He's just opening himself for an opportunity to meet somebody...that's if he hasn't already. Maybe that explains why he's so manipulating and jealous towards you. If I were you I would have my eyes and my ears open. You need to tell him that this needs to stop because its very disrespectful. If he doesn't I would suggest you start taking serious measures.

Answer 6

It's alright for a married man to go to a bar with his friends as long as he behave himself and keep his hands to himself.Boys night out alright but not all the time cause he should know he's married and it's time for him to stay home with the family tell him buy some beers and put in the fridge so he can drink when he gets home from work.If he likes playing pool table with he's friends layby one and a beer fridge.

Answer 7

You totally have a point, whats good for the goose is good for the gander!!! Ask him if he has a guilty conscious or something??? If he is being that way with you, I see no reason why you can't insist why you can't be the same with him. I hate games in a marriage, but if he insists on going out after work with friends, maybe you should tell him you are thinking about equal time out with the ladies!! Fair is fair in love and war-right????

Answer 8

I have to wonder if he is giving you the 3rd degree about being late 10 minutes. The guilty often worry that the other person/spouse is doing the same. You say you trust him, but could he be messing around? I think that you are in denial.

Answer 9

Technically it is not forbidden for a married or un-married man to go to a bar. Obviously you are upset that he goes there instead of helping you out and there si also nothing wrong with that. Voice your concerns, his approach is clearly not working for you. Try to split the work-load on different days durign the week so he still has time to hang out with his friends, but so do you. Good luck!

Answer 10

Girl please....first off, if he doesn't come home after work, and goes to the bars, he ain't playin pool, he's just playin....and you got the proof right in front of you, he doesn't trust you. That's because he's the liar. Everything you described is typical of a cheater, and that's a fact.