I had asked a question regarding my stepchildren and a custody battle costing my husband near $40,000 in just under 4 years. Some answers were helpful...some were very honest opinions. I completely respect everyone's views...but the question was a tough one to ask and impossible to ask in a way that doesn't make me seem like a wicked stepmother. Perhaps had I explained that I raise my stepchildren as my own doing everything for them that I do for my own bio children, the answers would have been more targeted. I welcome the flaming that may likely follow these words but did want to explain. My stepchildren want to be with their Mom...the oldest 2 children are old enough to tell the courts that they want to be with Mom and I am at a loss...My husband insists he will NOT let his ex "win" so he continues the battle. So, my question now is: Should I stand by while my husband invests 20% of our annual income to KEEP the kids while they do not even want to live with us?
2006-12-13 19:07:24 · 16 answers · asked by just me 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
And once again...I WANT the children to live with us...but are we even in the right to hold them against their will? If we SHOULD keep them against their will do we explain WHY we want them to stay? As of this moment the step kids think we are just mean and don't want them to see Mom...and we both refuse to discuss legalities with them...We also would NEVER put Mom down..but this can leave them confused. We tell them nothing...Mom tells them we are too strict and they should come to her so they can be happier...do you tell the kids why we don't believe that will be the case? I can't imagine doing that without making it look like we don't "like" Mom...
2006-12-13 19:11:30 · update #1
no, divorce him
2006-12-13 19:09:46 · answer #1 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
We could write a book here, but for one, it depends on their ages. If they are teenagers, I would be less prone to fight the children's wishes. You can and should respectfully explain your thoughts and position, yet in a manner that doesn't go into legalities and also doesn't trash mom. Everyone is entitled to their views, including the kids. Despite what they choose, you'll always love them and be there for them. With all due respect, I'm afraid they view the strictness as a negative because there is something else missing. Is it possible that we've lost humor? Got to make life fun, while still being responsible. There is a knack in all of this, but as the stepmother, you should remain more a spectator and let mom and dad do the infighting. Your involvement is after the fact. If the kids stay with you, then it's your place to support and help dad and the kids so they can find their path to a good life.
2006-12-14 04:47:49 · answer #2 · answered by seattlego 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down with your husband on this one. Tell him that you do want the kids living with you. However they are old enough to decide and if they want to live with the mother than maybe he should let them go. Let the kids know that if at anytime they want to come back they will always be welcomed back however the courts will have to okay. In other words if you go today don't plan on coming back tomorrow.
You need to make the husband see that it's not the ex that's winning or losing it's the kids. They are the ones that want to be with their mother. They are the ones that can have this money go into a college fund etc. It might be best if he let the kids go to the mother so they can see how much better and happier they are with their dad and you so you can truly be the winners.
Hope that makes sense.
2006-12-14 03:38:25 · answer #3 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a kind and sensible person caught in a very uncomfortable position. I take it you have made you side of this known to him. If not, that's at the least a starting point. Point out that money being wasted on this could be the children's college fund and at least serve a purpose. Focus on the well-being of those kids and how this must be stressing them.
Clearly, he is letting his anger at the ex cloud his judgment and even the well-being of the children. The best thing might be to involve a good professional mediator who is unbiased and can weigh everyone's pluses and minuses. Some courts will require parties to use a professional arbitrator to settle an impass like this one. It also takes some of the heat off of you.
Standing by your husband means loving and supporting him, but it cannot and should not mean being forced to agree even when he is wrong. If you cannot be honest in this without losing him, it says something about whether you really have a healthy marriage and relationship. It's his job to support you as well, not to mention putting the children's needs first.
Good luck to you all.
2006-12-14 03:17:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that it's absolutely fantastic that you and your Husband are so willing to fight for your children you shouldn't be considering the money issues right now if you both really in your hearts of hearts believe that those children belong with you and not their mother and you have good reasoning in your decision then I say fight all that you can in order to protect those Children I mean there's a reason why your husband was awarded custody in the first place over his ex wife right?
As far as you saying that 2 of the children wish to not live with you, well that's to bad for them, they're children and they really don't have much to say about the matter, I don't know where you live but when my Nephew was going through the, "I want to live with my Dad" stage the lawyers said that even though he was 12 yrs old he has absolutely no decision in the matter, ultimately it is up to the courts.
I can tell you this though, courts really don't like removing Children from where they currently reside unless there is cause to do so such as neglect, mental, or physical abuse etc. etc.
I wish you all the best in your fight and thank you for actually being a caring step-mother that will really mean a lot to those kids, they may not act like it now but one day they will realize all that you and your Husband have done for them.
Happy Holidays!!!!
2006-12-14 03:26:56 · answer #5 · answered by nkkidw040602 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i think i understand what you are saying Amanda. if the children are old enough to decide for themselves that they want to live with their mom then let the courts and the children make the decision. it seems that your husband is basing his decision on the fact that he wants to spite his ex wife. his main goal should be the happiness of the children. you never know. in a few months they may find that they were happier with you guys and want to come home. but as for right now they obviously miss their mom. and it is an awful waste of money for no real reason. if she is a fit mother, and the children want to be with her...then i say let them go for a trial run.
hope this opinion helps you out.
2006-12-14 03:20:57 · answer #6 · answered by beckdawgydawg 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, no. he should act like a mature adult. he is the father of the children. she is the mother of the children. no one is going to ever change those facts. as long as the mother is not a threat to her children or herself they should be able to be with who they want to be with. it is hard for a parent when a child chooses the other one. the best thing for the parents is to love their children, work out a compromise. if the kids want to live with their mom and he doesn't let them, it could cause major problems later. it's not always greener on the other side of the fence, and maybe if your husband let the kids go, he'd find out, and they'd find out that they like it more with you and their dad. this theory may backfire, and he will find that the kids do in fact like it better with their mom, and he will have to deal with it. it doesn't mean that they love either parent less or more, just different, as we love our children different, yet the same. also, the money factor is interesting. for sure he should be held responsible for the support of his children, but so should she. there's no use spending tons of money on lawyers, when by the time the dust settles, the kids will be grown and their college fund just bought your husband's lawyer a new speed boat.
2006-12-14 03:19:10 · answer #7 · answered by iwondersoiask 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your stepchildren want to be with their biological mother then by all means go ahead. You or your husband cannot force those kids to be with you. Your husband needs to wake up stop being selfish and let those kids go with their mother. It sounds to me that your husband is hard headed "stubborn" and is willing to spend all that money for his selfishness which is pretty disgusting. You know whats the right thing to do which is let those kids go. Treat others as you would like to be treated...what if someday that is you.
2006-12-14 03:21:21 · answer #8 · answered by ♪♫♫♪ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, I think your husband is wrong. and he's wasting your money. if those kids want to live with their bio mother, they should be allowed to. and you shouldn't have to be put in the middle of the mess. I feel really bad for you because you are stuck in this situation. your husband is wrong for wanting to play the old "she's not going to win" game. that will just cause the children to resent him and eventually hate him. it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and hopefully you can talk to your husband and get him to come to his senses before more trouble erupts.
Best Wishes with everything.
those kids will always love you for sticking up for them.
2006-12-14 03:25:52 · answer #9 · answered by atiana 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously they're battling each other. I know other people who do this. It's their whole existance. So my opinion is NO, you dont stand by and allow your life to be squandered away. Do NOT remain in the middle of the war zone. Set aside a nest egg for you to go on. It's to be wasted on attny's anyway. And this war will go on until the kids free themselves......In the meantime, the attny's continue to get rich. It's utterly ridiculous.
2006-12-14 03:20:51 · answer #10 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do what is in the best intersest of the children. not what any of you want but what environment will be the best for the childrens upbringing. if mom is in no way an unfit mother, then let them go. they had time with you and their dad and now they want that time with mom. tell dad to make his children happy, if thats what they want then its fine. if he doesnt, when those kids are adults, they will be bitter
2006-12-14 03:35:13 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋