just moved house, hate where i have to live (married to the Navy!)......moved cos of HIS job,had to leave mine

Question

I have no job, tho am trying;I have no friends/family nearby, and last pm,i picked him up after his xmas do, he was embarrasingly drunk,in front of everyone, then proceeded to puke in our car,thru splayed fingers! He totally disgusts me,he is 44 not 17.. and has set a 'fine' example to our 16yr old! (please dont make the exscuse, its xmas!)
is it me... or is everything s#it?? please dont say its me!

dont say 'u knew what u were letting yourself in for..'You never know what its like till you experience it, and anyway.. ive been married 20 yrs to this guy!NO>>He isnt an alcoholic..i do love him, just dont like him!

Answer 1

Ignore all this "you knew what you were getting yourself into" twaddle!

I don't think people who have been through this can even begin to understand the sacrifices you make as a forces wife!

I am one myself. You can't help who you fall for!

It is very difficult at xmas with all the functions they have to go to. I don't think getting drunk to that excess is very nice for you or your children to see. My husband used to drink a lot until we got together but slowly he is getting there! Unfortunately it seems to be all part of the habits they get into doesn't it. I am sure your husband wasn't very proud of himself for being in such a state. I have to say i put my foot down with husband now as i don't like that kind of behaviour either.

As for the social aspect - is there not an xmas do for both of you to go to wher you can meet some new people?

Or any evening functions organised?

Perhaps once you find work once again you will feel better as you won't be stuck in all day? Keep searching for a job and in the meantime try and go to as many functions as you can.

I know a lot of the wives where we are based at the moment go to gym classes that are held here, perhaps omehing like that could help you find some friends?

Other than that talk to your husband and let him know you feel a little lost at this posting, I am sure if you give it chance you wil begin to enjoy where you are now. I do appreciate how hard it is though.

Good luck for the future.

Answer 2

It seems like you are unhappy and because you feel isolated (no family, friends nearby) it makes it a hundred times worse. Relocating is hard, being married to a military man/woman is hard, too. But from the sound of it, you've been married to this man for awhile. Did his behavior suddenly change? Or is it the recent relocation and loss of your job and friends that seem to magnify a problem that has been growing for years?

I'm no expert but I think that now that you have nothing to distract you like your co-workers/friends and your job then all you are left with is him and apparently this relationship is cracking under that pressure.

I don't think you should just up and leave him nor do I think that you "should have known what you were getting into" because you aren't a newlywed. I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with him and talk openly and honestly. Don't put it all on him by only saying "you did this, that, etc". Instead, make it personal - "It worried me when you were so intoxicated the other day. Is everything ok? Is there something you want to talk about?" etc. Tell him that you know this move has been stressful on everyone and that you think that maybe you and he would benefit from having someone outside of your relationship to talk to (such as a marriage/family counselor). It make take a little while, but I think he'll come around. Give the counseling a try. Also, consider getting involved with other military spouses in groups, activities, etc. Start looking for other jobs. If you are religious, get involved with your church. All of these things will not only help with your emotional and mental state, but it will also help strengthen your marriage as it will give your life more meaning and in doing so, give you a stronger feeling of fullfillment in your life.

Working through problems and tough times sets a far better example for your 16 year old than running from them does. But, if after you try seeing a counselor with him and you still are miserable and want out, then talk to him about taking that step. Whatever you do, it's not something that should be rushed in to! I wish you the best of luck and will say a prayer for you! :)

Answer 3

Hmmmmmm What an interesting topic. What we have to remember here is we're all in different kinds of relationships, some people cannot live without each other, some people are in a no hassle relationship etc. But until a person is in a certain group of a relationship I think it would be difficult to imagine what you're asking, it's like a situation. It also depends what a person has in mind if the couple were to live separately, it can vary, for instance you might have a special somebody you want to see whenever you want (this case is what most people would think) or you just want the freedom of making your own decisions on important things without seeing somebody else or perhaps you don't share common interest and goals so buy living separately and being married you can forthfill both the marriage and your freedom of choice. So would married people living in separate houses make their marriage last longer or forever? well would a married couple living together in the same house make their marriage last longer or forever. If that is you, I think that the answer lies deep in yourself All the best.

Answer 4

One of the most difficult things a person can do is relocate. IT's not you! You are mad, anger, hurt, lonely and alone.
You were pissed about his drinking however if you were home you could have gone for a coffee with a friend or relative and hash out some of this thing. Where now you can't making it that much more compounded.
Believe me my husband is not in the military however I have walked in the same shoes are you. Try enrolling in classes or clubs anything that will let you get out and meet people. Give it time and you will meet people. Not the same as your friends from back home and relative however it's a start.
It's not easy 5 and a half years later and I am still homesick.

Answer 5

Ouch! That is awful! I'm so sorry, I was in the Navy once, and it seemed a lot of people took to heart the "drunken sailor" bit, but it doesn't excuse anything.

I think that you need to have a heart to heart with him when he's sober, starting with how all this makes you feel, and then working around to why he feels it is necessary to overdo it like that. Having fun with your cronies is all fine and well, but he's either upset about something or the bottle has seduced him and he's at it's mercy. (You didn't say if this was an isolated incident, of if he has been drinking for a while now, so I can't answer with more clarity)

If he has been drinking a lot, meybe there is something that can be done to help him pin down the why of it, and work on unravelling the problems so you all can be happier. Also, I would let him know that it bothers you about having to lose your job, but that you understand it's not entirely his fault because the Navy tells him where to go. He needs to know how you feel, (he may know already, that might by why he tied one on, he might feel guilty about it), and he needs to know that you care about him and you don't like seeing him this way. Don't focus on blame, just make him aware of your feelings and let him know that you are worried about him as well, if he feels guilty about what is going on, he may turn that guilt into anger and start blaming you for his habits, so if you let him know your concern for him, that lessens the chance of him being angry.

The idea is to start up communication between you so something constructive can be done, not to assess blame or get back at one another. Try not to let your resentment about things get in the way, and worry about repairing what you have. If things were better earlier in your relationship, think about the things that made it better and work on re-instilling some of the things that worked. Not everything can be the same, every relationship changes, but it can be better.

He may just be burned out on the Navy as much as you are frustrated with dealing with it. The best thing you can do is communicate about it and remember the reasons you got married in the first place, you can still have some of that afftection back, but you both have to work on it, and drowning in alcohol won't help anything.

I have a little sign on my desk that says "faith, courage, determination, timing, patience, effort." When I have problems, I read that and think about the ways that I can approach them, using those tools with the addition of communication has really helped me a lot. I stress communication because if you can't communicate, you can't understand, but if you understand, a lot can be done to help things work, and communication is necessary for that process. Good luck to you and hang in there!

Answer 6

Surely at the age of 44 his time is nearly up anyway? If you are truly unhappy then move back to where your friends and family are, it doesn't mean ending your marriage just both making adjustments.
You have chosen to be a navy wife (no disrespect) my husband is in the army but I refuse to be an army wife - I have my own career and see him weekends and when he's on leave.
neither choice is easy but then again neither is any relationship!
I think you are down due to a combination of things triggered by your recent move, get Christmas out the way and see how you feel. Don't suffer in silence though - tell him how you are feeling.

Answer 7

Presumably your husband was in the Navy at the time you got married. His problem appears to be that he has failed to mature with age.
I think that if you speak to other Navy wives, you will find that this is a common problem. Navy ratings are used to having their time planned and being told how and when to carry out most day to day tasks. You must take him in hand and be his CO when he is on leave.
Some years ago, I had a girlfriend in Pompey and when her husband was on leave, she planned all his time, told him what he was doing and he appeared quite happy with the arrangement. Work to work rather than home from home.

Answer 8

i would tell him where to go in no uncertain terms, eventually you have enough, and decide that you have to do whats best for you and your child, they are going to think this is 'normal', and its not. People can go out and have a drink and then say 'no'when they have had enough, which obviously your husband doesnt know what to do.
Go with your heart, i did 6 years ago, and yes it was hard, i had 2 young children, and frightened of being on my own, but i am now happily married, and seen my ex for what he was, and wondered why i wasted 9 years with him. Go for it girl, you deserve to be happy,
and good luck to you, i hope everything goes well.x

Answer 9

I guess your just unhappy with his career choice, and would probably be happy in a stable place. This is a tough call the question is how long has he been in the navy and would he leave the service for a civilian job? as far as his drinking is concerned your just going to have to confront him on it. Talk to him honestly and, but don't argue that will get you no where. talk softly and tell him your concerned about him and your child. good luck

Answer 10

Its not you and yes EVERYTHING IS **** over there for you...at 44 he shouldnt be acting that way, and if you have a 16 year old...pray he doesnt end up a drunk.
I LOVE moving all the time, but I hate depending on a man, you need to find a job just to keep your mind occupied.
I wish you luck.