How can I get out of an affair?

Question

I've been involved with a married man for about 4 years now. The man used to be wonderful, but he is obsessed with the notion that I'm with another man. If I don't answer his calls, its because I'm supposedly out with some guy. I really want to exit this non-relationship, but the emotional ties are too strong to break out of. He apparently hates his wife but he stays married to her for the kids and her money. I really want nothing to do with him, but I just don't know how to break out. Any suggestions? Before you go on the hate train, I already know what I am doing is wrong, so please don't bash me. I'm trying to do the right thing by leaving so please, if you can give me some thoughtful advice I would greatly appreciate it.

These are terrific answers everybody, thank you so much. He got upset with me last night because I didn't answer his call! When I finally called him, he yelled at me because supposedly I didn't answer my phone because I was with another guy! I was freaking sleeping! So he ripped me a new one for doing something I didn't even do! ARG! I started crying soooo much so I didn't have a chance to end things right then and there. I'm going to have to wait till I calm down. This is really driving me banannas.

Answer 1

call his wife and tell her to get him to stop bugging you! - also move and change your phone numbers

Answer 2

A) Why did you even start having an affair? B) He has no possession rights over you mostly because of relation to A. I understand that sometimes these things happen. If you just fell in love, then it’s great that you were able to. However, you should learn boundaries and limitations. Love is not the end all of all things. Love is basically a disaster in one shape or another waiting to happen. That sounds horrible, but you look at historical review. If he loved you, the he would have (not just should have) left his wife. Divorce is not going to change the fact that he is a father. His cheating reveals a possible bad habit. He may cheat on you with someone else. You state that you no longer have an interest in him and if this is genuine then you should just make a clear declaration of a permanent break. No being friends or hanging out. This could be a disaster waiting to happen if you do not monitor yours or his actions carefully. It’s a two way street, but only you can determine the side of the road you want to walk on. Take a safe and sure stance against the relationship if you truly intend on it. Like an exercise program, you just have to devise a steady plan and stick to it.

Answer 3

My first question is are you emotionally dependent on him? If you are that is why the ties are so strong. Do you have friends and Family? Also Do you spend allot of your time with him? Do you have a life outside of him? If you answered yes to any or a few of these this is where you should start your change and it will help you break and severe the connection. You can call his wife but do you want to deal with the saga? Take care of you focus on how you can full fill you. Married men have a tendency to prey on women who are in need because then they have a new home to run away to with out any resistance. Find extracurricular activities. Get involve with different groups that interest you for singles and you will meet someone.

Hang in there and don't give up it wont be easy.

Answer 4

Hey, I'm not gonna hate because I've done the exact same stupid thing. Let me tell you, the whole I-hate-my-wife crap is just that. CRAP. They might have a bad marriage (obviously) but anyone can leave anybody at any time. That's the oldest line in the book. Don't you think it's a bit worse to stay with someone you're cheating on for the sake of a child? That's not exactly parent of the year material. That being said, you made a mistake. That's fixable and you're not a bad person. If worse comes to worse (and I hope it doesn't) tell him straight up that this is a situation you no longer want to be involved in. Be honest with him. Let him know that you're the one who is free and has options. He doesn't. He made the choice to be married and that's his problem, not yours.Then tell him that you're so serious about ending it that if he continues to harass you, you will call his wife and tell her everything. It's a bit of an idle threat that hopefully you won't have to do but since he's not leaving his wife, you know he doesn't want her to know and he doesn't want to lose his money. Just be prepared to back it up at some point but more than likely, he'll let you go. Most guys that cheat are pretty cowardly and want to keep their cheating on the down low. He won't want that to upset his comfortable little life. Good luck and STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

Answer 5

HI,,, Seems you only have the Power to Stay... 4 years? thats shows He has complete control over you.... You have to break Free or you might get more mental damage that would be very Bad...

As they say Realizing you have a problem is a great 1st step...

He has this talent to build you up then be-little you to keep you hinden from everything... This will be hard but there are things you can do...

1st ...Cold turkey... Next time he comes over (have a friend with you) and YOU tell him its over.... If he pushes in have your friend ready to call the police... HAVE a plan before he gets there... You have to be strong tell the police he's a married man and he's stocking you. You have to make the 1st move because he is smart enough to turn the tables on you to try to make you look bad...

2nd ... Its the best plan but he calls you tell him its over... If he gives you the run-a-round call his wife tell her your very sorry but you JUST found out he is married and you don't think he should get away with what he has done to both of you for the past year...
But I don't recommend meeting with her in person... At this time you can inform him the next time you call that you are getting a temporary restraining order... And if you need to get ONE...

3rd MOVE start life over is this something you've thought about?
It might be the safest thing if he's a control freak...

Talk to more people in person, look at your life as it is today, is this how you want to live the rest of your life...

ALSO think about this if your Number 2 in his life YOU MIGHT BE 3rd or 4th He might have more on the side then just you... You think he has done this to someone else? Open your eye's it only takes a man like him 5 min's to ruin 2 lives or more...

GOOD LUCK....

Answer 6

To start out those who do things that are wrong always know they are wrong so nobody would be helping you out by telling you its wrong, I would just say hey I cant be with you anymore, I have feelings for you but I can;t see this relationship going any where for me or you. If he really hated his wife he wouldve left when he started cheating on her, and tell him I dont want to have a fling I want someone who is serious about me and If he doesnt stop stalking you when you dont return his calls and such call his wife then he will have more on his mind other than bothering you. there is no way to end things in a good way everything ends badly this isnt the movies, I was with someone and when I got back together with my husband the other guy wouldnt stop calling I just told him dont call me unless i call you,which will be never. I hurt him and myself by being so harsh but you have to do what is better for you and your life, Good luck it is a very hard thing to do especially when you have emotional ties with someone, just let it go. He has his own life, you need to get yours back. Good luck

Answer 7

The way this relationship started was on the wrong side from begining. However, why continue on the 'wrong' path by applying 'wrong' solutions? Isn't our aim in life to improve our lifestyle by improving ourselves from within? Dear, To divorce his wife is wrong. He has been living with her for 4 years while in a relationship with you. Do you think he was facking making love to her all this time? Trust me. I am a man and I know. He has feeling still for her. But, is that wrong? No. We all know that all men have tendancy for 'another' several times in his life. This is natural. It has to do with hormones and basic 'survival' genes.
Ask the question to me. 'Do you mean to say that we must let men go loose and wild?' the answer is no. Women have rights. Every man involved sexually in a relationship must grant the 'wife' all her rights. Marriage is the answer. This way men are under control. He must provide and held responsible. Same as for the wife, or in this case, wives. They too have duties and responsibilities. These all can be found in bbles and qurans. We don't need to reinvent the wheel. Nor do we need to rewrite the manuals that come with us. He, Allah, made us and gave us the manuals. It is when we deviate problems, like yours, becamoe the turning point to a very likely worse scenarios that have one thing in common, disappointment in yourself and not the others. It is your choice after all.

Answer 8

It's like quit smoking. You have to stop seeing him cold turkey.

I bet you already know what to do, but it's hard to do in real life since you are also emotionally involved with him for 4 years!!! But like you say, this is not a relationship at all. The man is not even a man enough to take his pick. I don't care how much he hates his wife, but if he really cares for you, this shouldn't be a tough decision. Also, to tell you the truth, I don't buy what he said he stays married for kids.

Leave him now before you feeling grows more intense.

Answer 9

You've revealed a lot about yourself.

1. YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE. Staying with someone in a relationship for as long as you have shows you believe in committment through good times and bad ones.

2. YOU ARE RESOURCEFUL. Keeping a love affair secret for 4 years takes a lot of creativity and discretion.

3. YOU ARE CARING. Even though you want this relationship to end, you still care about HIS feelings and HIS reactions to your ending the affair.

4. YOU ARE INTELLIGENT. You have honestly analyzed your situation and have determined that you have acted inappropriately.

Now, all that's left is for you to ACT.

The ONLY WAY out of a situation is to LEAVE IT. After all of these years, you have gotten into the "habit" of being with this guy so, it is difficult to just walk out of his life. My advice to you is to improve the status of YOUR life.

How?

1. FIND OTHER DISTRACTIONS. Be it people, clubs, a hobby or even a good book, find SOMETHING ELSE you have an interest in to distract you from being around (or wanting to be around) this man. This is what works for many additiction clinics and it is the same thing here. You are "used to" being around him during certain times. Change those times you used to be with him to develop YOUR interests instead.

2. DISCONNECT COMPLETELY. This is the hard part. You will have to (depending on your inner strength):
[a] Tell him you WILL NOT be with him IN ANY WAY any longer,
[b] Avoid him in every way, (phone, visits, emails, etc) and
[c] Associate with friends with whom you have no sexual interest.

3. FIND SUPPORT.
[a] If you feel threatened by him in any way, file a formal police report reporting such.
[b] Inform him that his "security blanket" (money, wife, kids, job, etc.) is in jeopardy if he continues to persue you.
[c] Tell friends what is going on and what you want to happen between you and this man.

This is a very troubling time for you; of that I am sure. However, I salute you for making a decision to find happiness - in whatever fashion that means for you. Just DO IT NOW. Life is too short for misery and apparently, this is what you are experiencing.

Think of it like diving off a high cliff into a pool of water. Is the water very cold or is it refreshing and invigorating?

You will never know unless you dive in and see. So, look down, take a deep breath, and take the plunge. After the initial shock of hitting the water, you just may be pleasantly surprised at the new sensations you'll experience.

Good Luck to you my friend, and thanks for posting.

Answer 10

Okay, no hate train here. You are human. But, you maybe need to meet someone else. Or more importantly, need to just be on your own. What you are doing is like a thrill ride. But now the reality is hitting. Start respecting yourself. You don't want that kind of man. If he does it to his wife, he'll do it to you. You know, the whole cheating thing. I'm sure his wife is real terrible (not). He's just a bored husband. He cannot control himself. Get away. You don't need this drama. Get away, anyway you can, for your own sake.

Answer 11

You need to sit down with him like u would any other man and let him know u are not happy and don't want to continue that relationship with him. If he keeps harassing u tell him u will involve the police or even threaten to tell his wife. Believe me he will change then and u will never hear from him again. Guys like that wouldn't take the chance of being exposed.