Messy Husband?

Question

First of I would appreciate not divorce answers? Marriage is forever thats not an option for me. Here is the story. I believe that I share my house with my husband and that he should pick up after himself because he is a grown man and to ease the load on me. He works long hours but he will come home through the garage then through the laundry room which connects to the living room & instead of leaving his muddy boots & dirty clothes in the laundry room or garage he tracks it in the house & leaves his clothes all over the floor. I get frustrated by his slobbiness. Im not the cleanist person but i defiently dont leave my stuff all over the place. He would fluff his dirty clothes up 4 times instead of washing them. How can I get him to clean up after himself. he will let the dogs in & not watch them and they are puppies. Leaving all the rooms doors open & he leaves everything going when he leaves a room.Im about to take 13credithours in college. How can I handle this and a bigworkload

ps i have arugued with him constantly about this sat him down and wrote him a two page letter explaining that i think its not fair to me and that he should clean up after himself and its not working . this has been like the 10th time ive tried to get him to clean up after himself

I CANT AFFORD A MAID EITHER

Answer 1

Tell him like it is, Slob it is time for you to pick up and clean up after yourself...I am your wife not your mother

Answer 2

This is a hard problem - and I wish I had an easy answer. You two probably have very different, and probably incompatible, ideas about cleanliness - and that's rough, because you are married and share a home and you sound like the type of person who takes "til death do us part" literally!

You've tried the approach that a lot of women do - what men call "nagging" - the letters, the long talks (you've probably done the yelling, the crying, the pouting, the silent treatment ect) and I'm sure you already know THAT DOES NOT WORK.

Most men are very good at "tuning out" what we consider to be nagging - so you already know that when you complain, your husband is NOT LISTENING TO YOU.

And men hate it when women try to change them (I know I do)

So you might just have to accept the fact that you have a messy husband, that dirt doesn't bother him as much as it does you, and you will just have to learn to live in a less clean environment than you'd like..

Hey, that's called compromise - and that's what any good relatioship is about.

You can't make him clean up after himself

You can't make him wash clothes before wearing them again.

You can't make him keep the puppies outside

You can't make him close doors and turn out lights when he leaves a room

Basically, he is the way he is and you just have to learn to live with it.

Quit nagging him, that will just hurt your relationship in the long run and he'll end up secretly hating you (or maybe not so secretly)

And quit cleaning up after him - if he makes a mess, just leave it there.

Answer 3

OMG! My husband unfortunately does the same thing. I mean how hard is it to leave your ugly dirty boots in the garage before you come inside. He's constantly complaining about our house getting messy...did I mention I have a toddler too, but he can't clean after himself or give me a break. I don't know if this has happened to you already but once I almost tripped off his dirty boots! Look I've tried to explain to him but he doesnt listen...well thats unless I catching walking inside. I would suggest for you tell him...if not stop doing things for him when he ask. Maybe he would get the point.

Answer 4

I agree with the person above... "men cannot read minds."!

We also think differently... I usually do cleaning stuff on specific days at specific times and target specific areas for those days... that way I can plan ahead... I like to execute my cleaning in a particular way too... and keep things on a schedule...

I am also a all at once type a person vs. a pick up a little bit at a time. For example I have a bad habit of leaving empty water glasses all over my apartment... so every Sunday & Wednesday I collect them and wash them...

Sometimes people are steady meaning they can go at certain pace and keep that pace for a long time... Or sometimes people go hard core for a period of time, burn out, then go hard core, burn out, etc

Before talking to him ask your self these questions:
What kind of person is he?
Steady?, up and down?, all at once?, a little at a time over a long period?
What type of person are you?
Steady?, up and down?, all at once?, a little at a time over a long period?
Are you the same or different?
Are you super neat freak?
Is he just a super lazy and doesn't do anything?
Or is it both?
Or are you both in the middle?

If he is a all at once type of person that means he lets a mess build and then cleans it all up... vs picking up as he goes... If so be aware of that and try to let him get a cleaning schedule that is frequent enough for you to feel like things are clean or maybe have him do more long term cleaning things and you do short term cleaning... or vice verse?

I have lived with people in the past that are cleaning constantly, and because they clean constantly they get mad at everyone else because they haven't cleaned anything... Well sometimes it is difficult to clean something if you have already done everything for them!

Doing it for them makes it worse, because sometimes they will start leaving things around and not realize it because they are not cleaning it up... which makes them less aware of their actions.

I guess my point is... You need to allow that person to take responsibility for there own mess... then they will take more pride in their work and do a better job... If you boss them around it will only make matters worse.

ALSO everyone has a different definition of clean... I think you and him should come figure out what his idea of clean is verse your idea of clean.

Try this....

- talk to him first...
- then don't clean up after him...
- Let him get on his own schedule...
things maybe ugly for the first 2 months because he is not used to it... but once his schedule kicks into gear...
- Respect his schedule...
because if you give him a hard time about, or make fun of him because he is cleaning differently then he could regress back to his old ways

My recent landlord told me that single men usually keep their apartments cleaner then single woman... and she is an older lady that has been a landlord for ever... If she believes this then we have to be clean in some sort of shape or form, right?

Answer 5

Does he have any idea how you feel? Ask him to kindly assist you. Make a written list if you must. If he makes NO effort, I would go on strike, and do nothing FOR him. Take care of the things that apply to only YOU. He has got to get hungry and run out of clean clothes in a big hurry. Now the puppies are another matter.I am a dog lover. And they and I would be in the part of the house, that he is NOT. ;)

Answer 6

Some clues:
1) men cannot read minds.
2) men do not take hints
3) men do follow instructions when they make sense
4) tell him, repeat: TELL him that you need him to do this for you. Don't ask, don't whine, don't apologize. He is a grown man and I think he can handle it. There is no need for any feelings or dialog or some damn candy-a$$ed new age manipulation. Men are men. We use language to convey information to one another -- use it. He will appreciate your direct request for his help.

Answer 7

Simple. Leave the house messy when you Invite "HIS" friends and relatives. Normally men do not tollerate such Embrassments. Try for couple of times, you may get the result.

Answer 8

You just have to ease up. Accept it as it is, and as he is, warts and all. Consider it as just a facet of your life together, and it won't bother you any more. I think there is probably something more underlying this than you not liking to pick up after him - what else are you resentful about??? That's the real question, girl....

Answer 9

Try a trust method of reward for good behavior.

How about you give him a BJ everyday he does his part on the cleaning?

I bet that will get the desired results.

I dare you to try this.

Answer 10

my hubby was same when we first married, i just picked up his clothes and threw them in his cupboard and if he didn't have any clean clothes at the end of the week, thats his problem. it worked a treat. make it a new house rule that anyone who comes into the house leaves their shoes at the door. perhaps also if you have one part of the house just for yourself, for a while you will need to not do anything for him and he will eventually get the hint. failing that, tell his mother to have words with him.

Answer 11

Give him an ultimatum...either he cleans up after himself or you're hiring a maid service. You cannot go to classes and study full time and clean up after a slob