Hi, my hubby and I were both divorced before we met and both had a child from the previous marriage. I have custody of my son but he gave his mom custody of his girl when she was 6 months old (now 6 years). 2 years ago when we met we would go visit her at his mom's house but she never allowed her to call me mom (even though my son calls him dad) and would not let us see her outside of her home or church. My hubby's job caused us to move several hours away about a year ago. A few months ago his ex wife wanted custody and his mom started demanding we move back, we didn't. Now when we asked to visit with her for xmas his mom says we shouldn't bother and that she will be with her mother. She sent a really ugly email about how he abonded her and she doesn't want her to ever be hurt (although we weren't allowed to see her much before anyway and really I think it is all about his mom not liking me) Now my husband is all upset and all I can think is to tell her where to stick it...
2006-12-13 12:42:06 · 10 answers · asked by sissy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Of course I'm sure that's not the right thing to do. How can I help him feel better without wanting to tell her off? I don't think it's right and she won't accept our kids together much less my son from before so why I am so upset about his daughter. I want to go take her christmas gifts back and spend that money on my kids and just say screw her. Any advice would be of some help, thanks
2006-12-13 12:44:34 · update #1
This is a really sad situation and the only loser here is the MIL unfortunately. She has not idea of what she is losing out on by alienating her son and his family from her life.
Because she treated your family as outcasts it's very diffcult to let her into your life now. Your husband needs to take a stand on this issue as it is his mother. He needs to speak to her about her past treatment of him and his family. He needs to tell his mother that you and the children are his family and she needs to respect that. If she can learn to respect his family including you and the children - only then will she be allowed into your family circle.
If your husband cannot got his mother to change her views he cannot expect you to embrace his mother - that's just not fair to you. As for the gifts for his daughter - please don't penalize the duaghter for the actions of her grandmother. Send the gifts to the daughter directly with a short note hoping she enjoys the gifts.
No matter what this child is still your husband's daughter no matter who is raising her. He needs to stay part of her life. He may need to speak with a lawyer fo find out his rights where you live.
Hope this all turns out for the best.
2006-12-13 12:54:52 · answer #1 · answered by junebug 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a mess !!!! I am sorry you have to deal with this during the Holiday season, but Please try to remember that there is an innocent child in the midst of all this. She didn't ask for any of this to be going on and it's not her fault that all the grown keep screwing it up worse.
Why do think this girl should call you mom? The difference with you're child is he lives with the two of you, and you're husband is helping to raise him( like a dad). It doesn't sound like you have spent much time at all with her( you're faults or not-- that's not the point)
The grandmother has raised this child- you're husband gave her custody. She has the right to do what she thinks is best for the child. Right or wrong, he gave her that power. If he wants it changed he will have to do it in a court room.
But please don't blame her. Don't take back her gifts, this is not her fault. If they wont let you see her, ship her gift to her. Make a family movie , tell her how much you all love her and miss her.Tell her that you all wish she was there with you and ask to see her soon. Let the Grandma see that you're hearts are in the right place-- even if hers isn't.
I will keep you all in my prayers. God bless!
2006-12-13 13:16:40 · answer #2 · answered by dreamteam 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, the answers will not be pleasant, but here goes. You did ask for help.
1. When your husband gave up his daughter, he gave up rights to his daughter. So his MOM has every right to keep the two of you away from his daughter. She just needs TACT in telling the two of you this. Threats and anger does not help anyone. EVERYONE needs to think what is best for the daughter, not what is important to you husband and his feelings of today. What about what he did to his daugher when he left her. And what about his own mom; she had to raise another child after she raised her son.
It is not about mom liking you. It is about mom protecting her second child. The daughter. Hubby is a grown up now. He and you need to focus on your son and let go, again, the daughter he let go before. When the daughter turns age 18, she will decide on her own to visit, or not, with you. Don't turn the daughter into a tug of war between mom and your husband and you. Daughter will loose in that battle.
2006-12-13 12:55:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Look, I don't know you and I don't know your hubby from a hole in the wall. So please don't see this as being judgemental, just an objective point of view.
Your hubby gave up custody of his child. He signed custody over to his mother who has already raised her family and should have been able to enjoy retirement. Instead, she chose to raise her grandchild because she loves her.
Your hubbys mother asked you both to move back for the sake of that little girl and you refused.
Your hubbys mother IS trying to protect this little girl.
If your hubby signed custody over to his mother, there had to be a reason why. When a man does this, it's usually because he loves his child enough to see that he isn't capable of taking good care of the child for whatever his reason. That is a sacrifice of love. His mother sacrificed her life for love. Don't judge that woman. Love her for that. Maybe she doesn't like you because she sees that it's all about you. Maybe she sees that you will never care for this little girl more than you care about yourself.
There is nothing in this world that would keep me away from my child. Even if I was only allowed to see her for 1 hour a week. Even if it was supervised visitation. Even if I had no gas in my car and I had to walk there on my hands over broken glass and hot coals, I would be there with a smile on my face. When she asked you to move back there, did you ever consider what she may have been going through? The stress of this child's biological mother threatening to take away the child that your hubby's mother has been raising for the last 6 years of her life was probably ripping your mother in laws heart out of her chest. For you and your hubby to say no to her after everything she has done for your hubby and his child. How dare you get angy at her. She doesn't trust either of you and rightfully so. How dare you consider telling her to stick it anywhere! Perhaps you and your hubby should clean up your acts, get your lives together and show an interest in this poor child. Perhaps you should move back there. Go to church every week because if ever 2 people needed religion, it's the two of you. Visit with his mother every week. Provide financial support to her. Do nice things for her for no reason at all. Above all else, thank her for taking care of this innocent child for all these years. That is the least you can do!
2006-12-13 13:01:54 · answer #4 · answered by Goddess 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you know what would've been a lot better? if you'd used birth control and gotten married *before* you had a baby. that way just always seems to work so much better. now that you've put the cart before the horse... you simply have no rights. if your weenie boyfriend wanted to marry you, he wouldn't care what his mother said. but actually, she's right about not financing a stupid ring when you have a baby to support. you should have gotten the ring FIRST. he has absolutely NO respect for you at all. he's a mama's boy and isn't going to change and will probably never marry you now. and you're *NOT* his fiancé, you're the baby-mama. dump this douche and take him to court and get court ordered child support... he NEEDS to support his child. he'll probably want visitation set up but that's good because it puts boundaries in place for everyone.
2016-05-23 22:20:00 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't quote me on this, but when custody is given over I don't think it means that your husband has no right to visitation. Custody is one thing, as long as he didn't sign over "Parental Rights" then I would contact a family court lawyer and see what rights your husband has. I only say your husband because this is HIS fight. I wouldn't suggest ticking off your mother in law either because she is holding the cards right now. Bite your tongue, be the bigger person and be there to support your husband.
2006-12-13 13:03:37 · answer #6 · answered by Miloree 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you got into a mess. His mother is a control freak. She got his daughter and thought she could control her son by it. He proved her wrong when he married you. She will NEVER accept your marriage, you or your kids. Let him handle it, there isn't anything that you can do. Just be there for him. Good luck, she sounds like a piece of work!
2006-12-13 13:14:58 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only problem is that little girl of his is the one really getting screwed. I will keep you all in my prayers. Have the father and his ex talked at all. maybe she would arrange so you can see her if she is the one with custody now.
2006-12-13 12:50:01 · answer #8 · answered by outnproud27 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband decided to move far away from his daughter. He has ruined any chance to have a relationship. This will badly affect his daughter for years to come. Congrats for your role in this.
2006-12-13 12:51:26 · answer #9 · answered by Jennifer D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to a laywer, then tell her where to stick it =)
2006-12-13 12:45:51 · answer #10 · answered by andrew646 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋