Can I please get your opinions on this poem?

Question

I want some honest critiques on it. I made some changes to it that someone suggested but I'm not sure if this more polished version is better or takes away from the mood... all opinions are welcome but it'd be good to hear from someone educated in the matter bc I don't even know what this style is called and I'd like to know. thanks....


Your black is so beautiful, trimmed in that gold

Your life so short, your story should be told

Elegance of motion, when you take to flight

Regal dignity is what you bring to light

Places your ancestor's once called home, meadows and fields

soon shall be gone

Your kingdom is now made of concrete and stone

Serenity I yearn to see you so close, to fly by your side is

what I wish the most.





[I'd like to leave it open to interpretation but black and gold refers to a butterfly and concrete and stone may have to do with where it was written- in a cold prison cell (I thought I'd save that for after you read it)]

switch soon and shall?

Answer 1

ok. educated opinion.

1. if you are going to rhyme, you need to continue this through the poem. you faulter at the end.
2. you don't need to rhyme to make a poem.
3. edited version or your work:

black so beautiful, trimmed in gold

life so short, your story enfolds

Elegance of motion, when you take to flight

Regal dignity dancing in light

Places your ancestor's once called home,

meadows and fields now filled with chrome,

Your kingdom transformed, concrete and steel,

but to fly by yourside, such freedom, such zeal.

what you have, has alot of potential. you could try to loose the rhyming and open up the poem to more freedom of thought without the constraint.
good luck dear.

Answer 2

I really like your word choice. "Regal" and "elegance" are very good ways in which to describe a butterfly and its motions. However, you might want to polish up the rhythm a bit; this would make the poem flow more smoothly. I especially like the rhythm of the first line, since you've put the accent on "black", the first syllables of "beautiful" and "trimmed," and "gold." You might make the rest of the lines like that, except for the two short ones. You might also put a period at the end of either "gone" or "stone," since the last two lines adopt a more hopeful and less dismal tone. The rhyme sounds very nice in the first four lines; you might consider keeping rhyme throughout the poem. Also, there should be no apostrophe in "ancestors." I don't think you should switch "soon" and "shall."

You have the beginnings of a very well-written poem here, and it's good that you're always looking for ways to improve your writing. These are just my suggestions, so feel free to keep what you like and change what you don't. Good luck with your future works! :)

Answer 3

I agree with the third poster but if you do make those changes i think you should also remove "is what" after "regal dignity".
i had imagined the concrete and stone as being in the city instead of out in a peaceful meadow until you said it was a cell. Keep it up I love poetry

Answer 4

Honestly coming from a reputable poet, it sounds rather compelled. Do you believe it's compelled? Truthfully this can be a very well first try. You have the capacity to place your emotions available in the market. But is does have stretched far and wide it. You simply must allow the phrases float. Do no longer MAKE some thing pop out. If you do it'll seem like a pen exploded far and wide your web page. and ... EDIT EDIT EDIT my expensive. The key to a well poem is more than one copies.

Answer 5

This is SO freshman. A rhyme scheme so appallingly predictable dashes any hope of transcendance. Unbelievably, the awful thing even includes the word, 'serenity'. What could be less serene? Well, yes, 'regal dignity,' a word combination that is both redundant and, frankly, pedantic.

A poem shows; it does not tell.

This thing grabs the ears in a fierce grip and pushes the poor reader's nose unwillingly through it.

I draw your attention to Charles Bukowski, who urges would-be poets to consider at least 16 alternatives to the writing of poetry, including the following:

"Play the violin with your head in a bucket of cold water."

Take wisdom, too, from Robertson Davies' Samuel Marchbanks Table-Talk, in which Davies' alter ego offers a sarcastic retort to the dreadful amateur poems he was forced to endure as a Freshman English professor. It goes something like this:

Ugh!
Take it away!
Life
the thirty-cent breakfast...

If you're serious about writing poetry, start reading good stuff from the literature section of your local library.

Answer 6

i would make medows start the new line and to fly aswell, i think that knigdom may soud awkward for the vocabulary used int he rest of the poem and it would (with my changes be) aabbcddee

Answer 7

I took it to mean something else entirely, but it still flowed gorgeously. It was very eloquent and drew me in....hope this helps...[don't be ashamed of doing something useful in a cell..]

Answer 8

Hi, I am from Argentina, so I cannot understand all of what the poem says. Well, anyway, where did you get it?

Answer 9

remove "that" in the first line. remove "to" in the third line remove "the" in the last line. GREAT ! ! . really touching. do you have more ?

Answer 10

i thought that was amazing,
really it was!
it was just so good!
wow....
just....
wow

Keep writing! keep up the good work!