My fiance was drunk the other night and confessed to me that she had an abortion with a prior boyfriend years ago. Should I be offended that she didn't tell me this earlier, or prior to agreeing to marry me?
2006-12-13 11:47:54 · 41 answers · asked by slap_shot69 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
What an interesting question...!
Should you be offended? Well probably not. First, she DID tell you. Second, as so many others have tritely noted, you weren't in the picture so it wasn't about you.
Should it matter? Possibly. Certainly it was legally her choice and within her legal right...and it had nothing to do with you.
However, our past decisions and actions may be a window into our character. For example, if you had asked if the fact that she had cheated on her taxes or embezzled money, or cheated on boyfriends it might seem clearer cut to you. If you feel abortion is taking a life rather than a choice to remove unwanted tissue it might matter to you that she would choose to take a life to live hers more conveniently.
On the other hand, we have all done things that we are not proud of and that are wrong even by our own standards. That is part of being human. We are not perfect. Those that think they haven't done anything wrong are arrogant and deluded.
If it were me it would depend on her attitude about it. The fact that she was reluctant to tell you might tell you she is not proud of it. If that is the case and she has learned and grown from it. Great. If she is is defensive about it and happy with her decision, personally, I'd take a pass.
2006-12-13 12:22:08 · answer #1 · answered by D K 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Obviously this subject is very painful to her. She needed to be drunk to share this with you because it fills her with fear. I would bet that she still feels horribly guilty over this and has really never gotten over the pain of losing this child. You have no idea what she was going through at the times and the emotional pain this decision this must have caused her. She is not the first girl to have an abortion and nor I am sorry to say is she the last. I think that everyone makes mistakes in their lives and the true measure of a man is to realize that move past it and to focus on making a future together. I can bet that you have done something or other in the past that still makes your cringe and I doubt that anyone would judge you over it either. The decisions we make when we are younger do not necessarily reflect the person we have become today. My advice is put this aside and move on. Good luck.
2006-12-13 12:15:03 · answer #2 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This has been a very traumatic event in her life, one that she probably wanted to forget. She made a very difficult decision, one that she has to live with (right or wrong) for the rest of her life. I wouldn't be offended. She has probably been looking for a way to tell you for a long time and it was made easier by the effects of alcohol. You obviously love her enough to want to marry her, try not to judge her just accept her for the person she is now and offer support when she needs it. She'll love you all the more for it. Everyone has a past and if we were all judged for the things we have in the closet before meeting our prospective life partners there would not be many weddings! Look to your future but if you still feel offended tell her in a calm way that she can confide in you and (if the occasion arises) you will do the same in her.
2006-12-13 11:59:51 · answer #3 · answered by Scotty 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
These things tend to come out in their own time but sooner would have been better than later. What you are left to consider is that if you two had to make that choice now would you be in agreement or are you philosophically different in your views? This area including weather you want children and a few of life's bigger questions are best discussed before marriage. You don't have to agree on everything but you should be aware of what you are getting into as marriage is for life...
2006-12-13 12:06:06 · answer #4 · answered by Pilgrim 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't be offended at all. However, I don't agree with everyone who is saying to keep your past a secret. If your getting married to each other you should know as much as you can about the other person and be ready to accept it. Blocking communication and keeping secrets is a fast track to the end of what you haven't even started. Don't come down on her. She told you. Use it to open up the lines and learn more about each other. The more you know about each other (and can accept) the more you can trust each other. The more you trust each other the better off you will be.
2006-12-13 12:02:53 · answer #5 · answered by Evolving 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Two ways to look at this:
1) It happened years ago in her past. She may have learned from her mistake. She may have changed and become a different type of person since then.
2) She is self-centered and thinks only of what will be best for her. She didn't want you to know because you will then see through her disguise.
Either way, it was wrong of her to not tell you before you became engaged. This is something really important in her past that you have the right to know.
2006-12-13 11:53:41 · answer #6 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I don't think you should be offended... It's such a deeply personal issue for some people that they don't necessarily share with anyone else. Most people who'd ever known me have no idea I had an abortion when I was 18. It is a delicate subject that doesn't exactly get brought up often.
Unless you had asked her before if she'd had an abortion, and she lied and said "no" - you have no reason to be put off.
2006-12-13 11:56:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
it seems to me that the only reason this came out is because she was drunk, which suggests to me that she kept quiet about it because she was embarrassed and ashamed. i think the two of you should sit down and talk it out before you do anything else. you should let her know that you're upset that she didn't tell you before, but she should also have a chance to come completely clean. get everything out in the open now, and your marriage will be that much better, because she won't be afraid to tell you things anymore, because you showed love and support when she confessed her deepest secret. i wish you the best of luck.
2006-12-13 11:59:59 · answer #8 · answered by missizzy 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
obviously this is an issue with you or you wouldn't have posted your question here for the public to scrutinize. it really SHOULDN'T matter to you, since the woman you fell in love with, obviously, had an abortion prior to meeting or loving you. check yourself. zoom out. does she make you feel good when you're with her? do you get a little flip-flop in your heart each time you hear her voice or see her walking toward you? when you think of her, does your heart feel love? if so, that shouldn't matter. she revealed that part of her life to you because she loves you and trusted you to accept her for who she is. abortion is a very personal and difficult choice for a woman to make, and for her to have "confessed" that to you took EXTREME trust and DEEP love. she wants you to know everything about her, and so what if it took a few drinks to loosen her up enough to tell you? it's obviously a very passionate subject for both of you. be thankful that she loves you and trusts you enough to have told you about that past part of her life. if you don't think abortion should be done, then tell her that, so that she knows that if she ever gets pregnant while you're together, you want her to have the baby. it's that simple. don't blow a good thing dude. appreciate what you've got...a truly loving, dedicated, HONEST woman who's devoted to you. hope this helped you, and good luck.
2006-12-13 11:54:36 · answer #9 · answered by vrandolph62 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
She might purposely got herself drunk so that she got the courage to tell you. Whether or not she did it for purpose, be a man brother, nobody is perfect. The next thing you should do is bring her for a checkup and see if there will be problem or danger for her to conceive in future. Let her know you still care for her.
2006-12-13 11:52:38 · answer #10 · answered by Fish Master 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋