can you help me creat 'mood' in my story? And make it better?

Question

can you help me creat more 'mood' in my story. And help me make it better in general:


A Canadian tourist worked hard over the course of two years to raise money for a trip to Europe. When the time arrived, he took three weeks of vacation and flew to Paris where he stayed ten days; he then traveled to Germany where he spent the remaining of his wonderful vacation.

While waiting in the boarding room at the Frankfurt airport, on his way back to Canada, he ate a sandwich and put an apple in his hand bag for later.

When he was on the airplane, just before landing, the steward handed him a customs declaration, which contained many questions, all of which were answered 'no.' He was simply a tourist, carrying no weapons, no drugs, or anything else of interest.

After landing at the Montreal airport, he was randomly chosen for the baggage search. During the baggage check, the agent found the forgotten apple in his bag.

“Sir, what is this?” the agent asked.

“An apple, I guess,” the man replied.

“You have declared on your card no fruit!”

”I'm sorry, I must have forgotten I placed it there.”

“You forgot?” she said with a mocking voice, “$ 400.00 then!”

“$ 400.00. For what?”

“$ 400.00 as a fine for a wrong declaration.”

“Madam, I told you before that I had forgotten it”

“Sorry, these are the rules”

“Madam, I have a solution. I will throw the apple in the garbage and next time I will be more attentive”

“Sorry, you have to pay”

Then the tourist smiled. He ate the apple and told the agent, “Prove to me that I had an apple.”

The agent was embarrassed, and understood that she made a vast deal over a problem that might end by a simple warning. Especially since the man had admitted and apologized multiple times that he had forgotten about the apple. Finally, to not look stupid, the agent smiled and let him go out.

**i would like to thank the people that previously helped me correct it.

Answer 1

If you want it to be a short story, you need to flesh it out a bit.
"Lance, a Canadian tourist sat, eating his sack lunch while waiting for the return flight from Europe. After 2 years working to earn the money for the trip, he spent ten days in Paris & 11 days in Germany. He sighed remembering ...." Also flesh out the character of the agent.

"That will be a $400 fine." She said it with the matter-of-fact tone, as if she was telling nothing more important than "stand in that line over there."

But it sounds more like a parable. If a parable would be OK, you would want to make it more concise. Cut out everything not completely essential to the moral of the story.

Send me a draft. I will not do it for you. But I will give you examples.

Answer 2

the start the place it explains that he replaced into from Canada and the place he went made it stressful for me to get into the story. you're able to start up via employing announcing "A Canadian tourist waiting on the Frankfurt airport to capture his airplane domicile purchases a waiting-made lunch. After ingesting the sandwich, he placed the apple in his pocket..." or some thing like that. That way, you get top into the beef of the story and the interest of the reader is captured. Too many information can kill a narrative as actual as too few. one thank you to create extra temper, is to describe your character extra beneficial, use extra adjectives. he's very clever, somewhat, and that i could say so interior the story. you're able to say that he absent-mindedly spoke back 'no' on the cardboard, which point out to the reader that there may be a situation. this could help readers who've by no potential long gone outdoors their u . s . and would not understand that on the assertion there may be a gap for fruit.

Answer 3

(1) First, I could easily prove that he had an apple. A nasty, yellowing, saliva-drenched apple core would be sitting right there (or in the trash next to the customs counter). Think about a fruit that doesn't have a rind, skin, or core that can't be eaten.
(2) As far as mood, what kind of mood are you going for? Funny, sad, dramatic?
Mood is set through description of surroundings; through adjectives. HOW did the customs agent look? WHAT did her voice sound like? What did the counter look like, smell like, feel like, sound like? Get it?
Two examples:
For a comedic mood:
After landing at teh Montreal airport, the man was furiously pulled out of line for what he supposed was a random baggage search. The customs agent was the epitome of a Canadian bureaucrat; his pudgy fat rolling overtop his government issued polyester pants. He squinted through coke-bottle glasses, sniffling snot in the way only someone who had mired over regulations all of his life could."
"Sir, what is this?" the agent asked. "It appears to be the fruit of ignatious opsererous [insert latin there], or a common, quote, delicious, unquote apple tree."
The traveler envisioned the agent's air quotes in his mind.
The agent sniffled. "This is mostly clearly a violation of Customes Code section 35 point 362 parenthesis a parenethesis c."
The traveler envisioned the parenthesis spewing from the agent's ratlike lips.

Get it?

Answer 4

You could add what emotions played across everyone's face and add more detail to the people. For instance, you could say, "Redness blossomed across her face as she realized how stupid she had been" etc.

Answer 5

Questions and answers are suppose to be quick and simple. No one is going to read your story and then give their ideas to finish your homework

Answer 6

Sure

Answer 7

im not about to give you credit for my ideas...what kind of dummy do u take me for?