Boyfriends Mother Stressing me out!?

Question

I am 8 weeks pregnant and excited. well trying to be. My boyfriend is excited and so is his mother. She just will not let us have a moment to share with eachother. At the time being, he lives 2.5 hours away and i live down here by his mother. This is exciting news and we are want to share it with people, with eachother, let it sink in alittle that we are having a bundle of joy, but she beats us to it. She is already trying to put claim on everything and she is stressing me out. She is the kind of woman who wants to be a friend to her 2 kids and not a mother. I am 24 and have been with him for 5 years. So this is not something new. I know she is excited but it is getting really hard to deal with. Whether we involve her in things or not, she always somehow finds a way in. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just needs to lay off alittle. Can someone please let me know if you ever had problems with your mother-in-law or soon to be mother-in-law? I don't want to be fighting with her.

Answer 1

Yes.

My fiance's mother is exactly that way. I think ALL mothers-in-law are required to behave badly by law. Or something like that. How else do you explain it?

Anyway, I've gotten along by not breathing a word of ANYTHING to her. She's hurt when I tell her last, of course. But I've explained many times that I prefer to speak to people in person, and not be gossiped about either (like when she tells her bingo friends about my sex life ... as if she'd know anyway). I learned this lesson when I told her we were engaged. She immediately TOOK IT UPON HERSELF to send out announcements. Without asking.

I was livid. We weren't planning on telling anyone but close family (and don't count 4th cousins as close family ... yeah, she sent announcements to some of those) until right before the wedding, because they weren't going to be invited. We wanted a SMALL ceremony and were trying to avoid the nasty calls about who's invited and who's not.

THEN she tried to talk me into having a huge wedding in her church and inviting all the people she'd already invited. Ugh. My fiance and I are not even the same religion. How dare she assume we'd get married in HER church? We weren't getting married in ANY church! Then she told her hairdresser that we were getting married in that church. That was the last straw. I spent 5 hours calling everyone she'd sent announcements to, telling them that we were NOT having the big wedding she'd promised and that it would NOT be in her church. A few people were insulted, but I snapped that it was her fault. She started getting mean phone calls the next day.

So then she was angry with me. She didn't understand why I couldn't just give in and go with the flow (as everyone else does when she gets a hair up her butt like that). My fiance's sister and I had to sit her down and have a talk with her.

Here's the 'recipe' we used (my sister-in-law came up with the name and actual instructions):

Breathe deeply.
Bring mother-in-law to room temperature (if she is angry, she will either need to be thawed or warmed to achieve this temperature).
Begin negotiations as following.
"I know you mean well, but I would prefer to tell people important news myself, in person."
"I'm sure you felt that way when similar events happened in your life. Did your mother-in-law ruin them for you? I feel as if that might be happening to me now."
"Of course you can share your feelings with friends and family, but I would like to break the news myself. Can you wait until after I do to speak with them about this?"
If the ingredients do not combine correctly, add a pinch of "Please butt out and shut up." This is not recommended and should be attempted at your own risk. Another option is to repeat the process as many times as necessary.

I tried repeating those things several times, and yes, she did get BETTER. But it still wasn't good. She still told strangers things ... like her hairdresser, the lady behind her in line at the supermarket, the cable guy, etc. And we live in a small town, so gossip gets started that way. She refused to understand not to tell ANYONE. We had to add a pinch of "Butt out and shut up". So now I don't tell her. I let my fiance tell her after I've informed everyone else.

And I really mean AFTER. Because of her tongue, we decided to elope instead of having any kind of ceremony with guests. And we won't be able to tell her until we get BACK. If we call her and say "Hey, we're in Vegas and just got married, see you after the honeymoon" she would be ON THE NEXT PLANE to Vegas. And calling everyone she knew to gripe about how mean it was for us not to invite her to come. Is that kind of how yours is? LOL

So I know that was kind of long, but that's my story, and it sounds like yours is turning out to be similar. Maybe she's redeemable! Give her a chance by explaining how it hurts when she tells people your big news before you can absorb it yourself. Appeal to the part of her that is still a young woman your age, dealing with her OWN mother-in-law. If it doesn't work after a few tries ... well, that's the solution I found.

We don't really fight anymore because I don't discuss important things with her. She just prattles on about gossip, church, and crafts (she's into crochet and painting ugly wooden yard figurines ... I have a collection of ugly wooden yard figurines in my garage if you want any, but most of them are the old-people-bending-over-butt kind).

Good luck.

Answer 2

Hmmm, better lay down the law now before that meddling extends to every aspect of your parenting. Just let her know that you are glad she is excited, but she has to back off and give you a little space. Really sit down and talk with her about it. Just tell her she is stressing you out (maybe even throw in a little guilt trip that that is bad for the baby ; )

Answer 3

Girl just go ahead and prepare yourself. I lived with my boyfriend and his mom at the time I got pregnant with my son. At first she was trying to talk me into having an abortion. When she realized I was going to and when she saw the ultrasound pics, she was excited. She told everyone. She gave me her opinion about everything. After I had my son, we continued living with her. She would constantly pick my son up at the very second he cried and just did things totally different from how I was. This eventually got old and i flat old told her look, I appreciate your suggestion, but you had you time when you raised your two sons, and I would appreciate it if you would allow me to raise mine. She kept her mouth shut from then forward and now we have a great relationship, eventhough her son and I are getting divorced.

Answer 4

Ah, the M-I-L. You have to remember, that she is just as excited, too. Ask her nicely, while having her over for coffee, if she wouldn't mind you giving the good news out to people. This will put in perspective for her that she has gone over bounds. Best of luck.

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Answer 5

i have that extact same problem. i have been with my bf for seven years and we are having a baby any day now. his mother was a horrible mother to him his whole life, and now she wants to be a part of his life. she moved in the same apartment complex as us, and is constantly stressing about this baby!!! she called the hospital three times this morning thinking i had went into labor and not called her to tell her just because my car wasnt at the apartment, i was that the doctor for heavens sake! she wanted to be in the room when i delivered but i told her no! i want my mom and bf in there not her! im not putting up with this crap after the baby is born, it gets to a point when you just have to tell them to back off!

Answer 6

Well you know what had the same problem and i did not tell her how i feel and so it just got to me one night and we started fighting and now she is trying to take my baby i can not stand her so just tell her so it does not get like that Good luck and Congrats

Answer 7

Well for a start does he smoke, drink or do other street drugs because if he does that could be a reason, also if she does not believe you invite him for dinner and prove to your mom if he has changed.

Answer 8

It's what in-laws are for. It has to come from her son, not you.