Wife is nagging me to have children......?

Question

My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. Last night she told me that she feels unloved because I do not want kids with her. I do want kids but the relationship has never really worked since the marriage. We are both much older and she is at the end of her "clock is ticking".

She told me that she loves me but doesn't totally trust me and feels no affection from me. Again, partly because of no kids. We have been many times to marriage consuling with no success. I love her but I feel that we should work on our relationship prior to having kids. I feel like I am in a "Catch 22" - - She will not be happy in the marriage without children but I feel the relationship is not strong enough to have children.

Help!

Answer 1

Gosh your story is Dejavu for me. I went though the similar thing with my EX. He was in his early 30s And i was in my late 20s. As we were getting older it seemed like we were going on different roads. We went to counselors also. Talked with the family. Family thought if we had a child it will get better. (IT GOT WORSE).... at least for me!!!! His drinking became worse and eventually we were sleeping in diff. beds. My daughter was 2 and a half when we filled for divorce. You guys need to work on your relationship first. If you guys don't get along now.... Kid (s) won't make it better. the one that gets hurt the most is the kid if you guys get separated. Work out all your problems first. Make sure you two really love each other. Don't cheat on each other. And please let your wife know that the BIOLOGICAL CLOCK thing is a bunch of Bull ...... A lot of women now days are having children in their late 40s early 50s. And if she can't have a kid of her own later, what's wrong with adopting and giving a loving family and life to an orphan?
Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

I think that it is very important to come to a decision that will satisfy both you and your wife, otherwise, resentment will almost definately result. That decision will need compromise from both sides, and a licenced professional should be able to help you two come to a reasonable conclusion.

I, personally, would never bring children into a marriage that was not stable. It's not fair to them and it will most likely exacerbate an already difficult situation. Marriage is a lot of work and so are kids! Besides, 2 1/2 years is not a long time to be married. My husband and I have only been married a year and although I can hear that tick tock myself, I'm not quite ready to share him and I won't be for a few more years! You two should be enjoying your time alone because god knows when you have kids there won't be anymore of that!

Also, and please don't take this as an insult, it seems kind of weird to me that your wife is seeking validation of your marriage through having children. There are plenty of married men out there with kids who still cheat and, regardless of what she thinks, having kids will probably make her more paranoid; not less. It kind of sounds to me like she may have some self-worth/esteem problems. If I were you, I'd try to get her to go to a therapist alone so that she could work some of that stuff out.

Answer 3

You know, nothing says "I love you husband of mine" more than pouting and pressuring you to have kids when you don't want to.

Okay so her clock is ticking. Her clock will keep ticking for another 2 decades. What's the rush?

You had better sit down and tell her right now that although the idea of children is great, you want to fix your own relationship FIRST. Having a child DOES NOT make things better. It makes them WORSE - the stress, lack of time, sleep, sex, etc. makse early infancy responsibilities very tough and stressful.

Step up and tell her you guys have to work it out or decide to even stay together - and that decision HAS to come long before any kids are in the picture.

Answer 4

Look, she's told you how she feels--she feels unloved and she feels no affection from you. You say you don't want to have kids until your relationship is happy, but I ask you: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MAKE IT HAPPIER? If she does not feel affection from you, why don't you be more affectionate with her? Ask about what that means to her. Does she want to talk more about her feelings with you? Does she want tokens of affection? You should read Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages and see if that helps. Honestly, it sounds like you want the relationship to magically get better; it won't unless you try to things from her perspective. In a sense, I would say you should just have the children unless you're ready to divorce her. Children won't save the marriage, but what else are you going to do to make her happy? And why don't you tell your wife what would make YOU happy as well?

Answer 5

Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. You shouldn't have children if your relationship isn't strong enough to support the stress. Your wife needs to understand that having children will not fix the situation but only make it worse. I would continue counselling. If the problem gets fixed after her "clock has stopped ticking", then you can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there that need a good stable home.

Answer 6

Oh my, oh my. Tough one. Make sure she takes her birth control, or else have a "surprise" baby.

Tell her, just like you told us, that the relationship is not strong enough. Tell her that if she feels that she cannot trust you, then youshould not have kids on that enviroment.

I say, cut your loses and separate. If the relationship doesn't work, then there is no point of keep on torturing each other. Do HER a favor and tell her that if she is really into having kids and you are not willing to compromise, then she should find someone else to have children with while she can.

Good luck

Answer 7

Having children isn't going to solve her unhappiness it may only add to it which of course is a dangerous thing. If your wife isn't happy, nothing is going to make her happy. She needs to find it from within. It doesn't sound like a smart thing to do to bring a child into a marriage that is on rocky ground. A child is a blessing that comes with ton of work and a much sacrifice. If you can't fix the marriage, how can you take care of a child. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 8

I don't understand how your wife equates kids = affection from you, but having kids is not the answer.

Kids will actually strain the relationship with the amount of time and work needed to look after them.

Imagine the amount of fights you'd have if both of you were more tired from late nights with the baby as well as arguments over money, family, housework...

Sounds as though you need to work on communication, honesty and trust before you should even contemplate having kids.

Answer 9

Children will not resolve the problems you have in your relationship. Your wife's desire to have kids is understandable, since it seems like she's hitting the point of "now or never", and is not as concerned with her marriage as she is with having kids - even if the marriage itself will not last. Be honest with her and with yourself; you can't be "working" on your marriage forever. If it haven't gotten better by now - face it, it ain't getting better. Having kids, if anything, will derail your marriage completely (children can be trying even for healthy marriages). If you're dead-set on not having kids unless you're certain that this relationship is going to last - then let her know that, perhaps she may choose to go her own separate way and pursue having kids with someone else.

Answer 10

first fix your marriage if anything is worng.then have kids, and I tell you if you are not that young it is better to start your family soon. it will get harder later.

A good marriage is an intimate and loving relationship which gives both partners security, friendship, companionship, support, comfort, and deep love that penetrates every aspect of life. None of this can be achieved without work and sacrifice.

Marriage may be compared to a plant that requires daily nurture, daily attention, daily care and cultivation. It will not develop of its own accord; only as effort and will are exerted will it grow and mature. For a marriage to succeed, both husband and wife must be committed to its success. They must build an enduring love relationship that is centered in the heart of their consciousness. Their relationship must be nurtured with the water of loyalty and love.