I have one of those 'feelings' my husband cheated with a neighbor/friend, both act funny... how can I catch?

Question

We got married really fast, have only been married a year, it is a struggle all the time. He doesn't work, on disability, but can make so much extra, he won't. He has major depression problems and also is bipolar, which since I got married so fast, I wasn't smart enough to even check this area out. He is also an alcoholic, but has no family around. He went on a binge last week and left me, but came back. I tried to stay and work it out 2 days later came home from work at lunch, already drunk and passed out. I left, with no intent of coming back(of course). I have a neighbor who is a friend(?)and I called her so I could keep check on his whereabouts (he's also VERY suicidal). She told me to call as many times and all night if I needed. All the sudden she was going to bed, early. My husband called me FINALLY the next morning, begging for another chance. Yeah I thought it might change. Hoped. He hasn't been 'interested' as normal, and now I think the phone call was more guilt

Answer 1

First off, I would forget the neighbor, maybe she changed her mind and doesn't want to get involved. If you love him, and he's bipolar he should be on medication. If he's on medication he should not be drinking. Managing depression is a big part of managing a bipolar disorder and alcohol makes it worse. Sit down, and try to have a conversation with him. Tell him he's got problems, he needs help and you're willing to assist with finding him the help he needs. However, if he doesn't want to help himself you can either divorce him or watch him continue to self-destruct.

Answer 2

Is he on medication for the bipolar? If not he cannot control ALOT of his last second choices! He can control alot but some just make him go wild and the alcohol totally DOES NOT help and can actually make his medication not work as well for him. If u think he is fooling around always make a few surprise visits home during the day when u are suppossed to be at work. Pop in at her house as surprising too. Look for little signs such as lipstick-receipts- hit redial on the fone to see who he last talked too. Check cell fone logs......set up a camera- they come in all sizes now and let it tape each and every day just so u can see whats going on! You have a right to know especially since on top of everything else u have to put up with him disappearing-drinking-suicidal.......find out so that u can move on to a happy and normal life! My heart is with u

Answer 3

In any event, whether they did something behind your back or not, what does it really matter at this point? This guy has huge issues, greater than you are able to contend with. It's never going to end. When you left with no intent of coming back...that's what you should have done. We are human, prone to mistakes. You made a big one here. Run like the wind and don't look back. What he does to himself isn't your fault, so you shouldn't accept blame for whatever happens to him. If you're luck, your friend/neighbor will take him in and you can wash your hands of the whole thing.

Answer 4

Wow... I'd say you have more issues here than just wondering if your hubby's cheating on you.

First, let me say that I, like your husband, suffer from major depression (but not bi-polar) and I am on disability. And from experience, it's very hard to maintain healthy relationships during depressive episodes. HOWEVER... there is a lot of wonderful treatment for depression. I myself am currently on two different anti-depressants, and have participated in counseling therapy on and off for several years as well. If your husband isn't getting treatment, you really need to encourage him to do so. Especially since he's suicidal.

Second, you state that your husband is also an alcoholic. Again, impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. Unless he's willing to make some efforts toward recovery, your relationship will continue to suffer. To say nothing of that fact that drinking just makes depression worse, and often time counteracts the effects of any medication he may be taking.

Thirdly, on to the issue of him possibly cheating on you. This is something you clearly don't know has taken place. And you have so many other issues to deal with in regards to him, that you shouldn't allowing the fear of him cheating be one of your main focuses at this time. I'm wondering if you're just HOPING to find out he's been cheating on you so you have an excuse to get out of the marriage, given all the other issues your husband has.

Lastly, not only would I recommend counseling and treatment for his depression, but counseling for the two of you would be wise if you are to continue working on the marriage. That's an awful lot for the two of you to deal with on your own.

And let me add, whatever you decide to do, don't let his suicidal tendencies or threats persuade you. A lot of people will use threats of suicide as a means of manipulating people to keep them in relationships and get what they want from them. But no matter what, it is never anybody else's fault when someone attempts suicide. It is their choice, and you can never be to blame for it.

Sorry this answer ended up so long, but you really do have a lot do deal with. I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out well for you.

Answer 5

I can empathize with you. With everything you have said about him, why would you want to stay marrired to him? I am going through a similar situation. My husband has on and off jobs, I have paid his child support, he has stolen money, he cheated with one of our friends that he worked with. I even went on dr. phil, which was a joke. ipaid $1000.00 and started the divorce. Then he said and I said we loved each other and I stopped the divorce. Then it just went back to the same old thing. Last night I told him that I was going to continue with the divorce. He agreed. All this time wasted! My girls have suffered all because I didn't want to get a divorce and Iwanted to make it work. I was in love with the notion of marraige, not him. I kept it going, believing that was my purpose in life to take care of everything for everybody. It's not when your in a partnership! so good luck to you. Don't wait too long. It's more miserable and you feel more stupid the longer you let it go on. Take it from ME!!!

Answer 6

I don't think anything happened between the neighbor and him, maybe she just told you she was going to bed because she either didn't want to be part of the drama, or she thought it would make you come home and have to talk to him about things. BTW in my opinion, based on the way you phrased things, you are looking for an wexcuse to run, and guess what, it's warranted.

Answer 7

That neighbor is the least of your problems. But you need to be tested for STD's and then you need to get out of there---you might want to find a good counselor to help you stay strong during this time too...you've been through a lot in a such a short time.

Answer 8

You will not like what I am about to type, however it is chicken soup. You have an addiction, its called DRAMA. Why would you want to CATCH your hubby and neighbor? Your life shouldnt be like desperate housewives. If you are suspicious, and if these things about your hubby are correct, point him in the direction of treatment and possibly bow out of the marriage. Anything else is uncivilized. You arent capable of maintaining a healthy lifestyle if you are surrounded by sick people.

Answer 9

Is there trust in this marriage at all? did yu come into this situation suspicious? Its hard to say but if I were you I would try to monitor everything. Invite her over for dinner, and watch them both, are they really uncomfortable? does she have an excuse and wont come over? You dont want to come outright and accuse, feelings will be hurt and all that jazz, but you need to find out. If it was me I would confront them together, if she is at your house she will feel more guilty and most likley will come clean. When she does I would kick his butt and kick her out of my house, and not talk to her anymore and tell everyone what kind of hussie she is. But kicking her butt wont solve nothing because you didnt marry her, even if she is supposed to be your friend. People are evil, they cant help them selves. dont let it eat you up, confront them today

Answer 10

If he wasn't honest enough to tell you about his bipolar before you married him what other secrets does he have. I agree with everyone else. You could try to talk to him but if he isn't prepared to help himself then get out of the marriage and don't feel guilty about it. He is selfishly putting himself first all the time, now it is time for you to put yourself first