i guess i failed in raising up my kids properly.?

Question

am very much disappointed. my kids are 21,18,16 years old now. i admit that am not satisfied with their behaviour. they allow themselves to shout,to decide without refering to parents,they don't follow house rules,and they like to do things at their convenience and never when i ask them to. however they are successful in their studies and careers. but this is not everything in life. what do you think?

Answer 1

I think you have security issues. At 16 (let alone 18 and 21) your children do not need to refer to the parents for every decision they make. Do you not trust that you raised them to the best of your abilities? You said yourself that they are successful in their studies and their careers. It may be time for you to let go and let them fly on their own instead of being overprotective. They are normal.

Answer 2

1st of all you're taking responsibility for their failures and not their successes. They have discipline which you gave them and it shows in their studies and careers. They are just not very respectful or considerate, which I'm sure
you required. These days kids are so influenced
by tv and their friends that if they spend more time with them then you, then they are going to follow them and be like them. So its not always your fault or parents fault any more. Families are just not getting any help from the world around them whether it be the whats coming out of hollywood or the music industry or the media and corporations. It use to be everything
was centered around the family values , so parents values were reinforced where ever kids were. You're not the only 1 who feels like a failure but you can't feel that way. By being strong with your values and foundation and showing them what you expect them to have and to be, hopefully when they grow up, they'll
come back home with a better attitude. There
is just no use getting into an argument with them, especially at their ages.A few well
placed prayers would help as well....
If they are still living with you, set your house rules and stand by them. No work, no food, no like, get your own..KEEP YOUR HEAD UP...

Answer 3

Are you still do things for them ie wash up after them, dirty washing...... My younger brothers are just like that. I don't think you've failed. You've made sure they have had a good education and that's priceless. The 21 year old should be leaving soon really anyway if he/shes doing well. Because they have had a good education this shows you've tried with good intentions. I think alot of bad behaviour comes from outside the family home. May be you give them responsibility to early ie going out late, i don't know. They might not get on with each other to which will encourage bad behaviour too. I don't know this to, they might get no fine. The longer you let them take the piss, the longer you'll have no control. Yet tuff. They might not understand now but they will in the future. i did and am grate full for it. time to learn some lessons in the real world for your young adults now i think. Hope this helps. You've done well don't give up now.

Answer 4

At 21, 18, and 16 they are old enough to think for themselves, with a little guidance from parents when they ask for it. i beleive that at those ages they need to learn from their own mistakes.......maybe its time that you let them grow up, and not try to live their lives for them. However, if they dont follow house rules, then they should be given a choice......either shape up or ship out, and let them fend for themselves and learn the hard rules of life. I know only too well how hard it is to parent teenagers and young adults, and how easy it is to emphasize on the negative, but you have something in your children to be proud of. Being successful in their studies and careers is to be admired. With this in mind, i am sure that they will grow into good mature adults. Stop worrying and praise them for coming through this far unscathed.

Answer 5

Many parents think they may not have done enough with the behaviour their kids exhibit because few reprimand them whenever they do wrong usually excusing this as part of natures way of raising children.
The unruly behaviour we see out in public may partly have been copied from home or from friends. Should parents detect this at an early age, I believe, great strides in improving the kids' behaviour would be made. Many parents rush to blame the schools and government yet it is their sole responsibility to ensure that their kids behave well in society.
Whilst as you say, they are doing well in their studies and careers, if their behaviour is quite uncompromising in society, yes they will need to improve towards attaining good behaviour. You played your role in upbringing them and since they are almost in their teens, they is nothing much you can do because it is difficult to teach old dogs new tricks.

Answer 6

At 16 kids don't come to there parents for every decision nor do what there parents want them to you have to let the 16 y/o know you are the boss and these are the rules they have to follow. At 18 and 21, they are adults and can abide by the rules or move into there own places. May seem harsh but if you continue to let them run over your authority they always will.

Answer 7

Being good in school is one thing. Being disrespectful at home is another. I don't know if you raised them properly, but if my 17 decided to not follow the house rules, he'd lose his car and cell phone, and if it continued, he would eventually come home one night to find the locks changed. And he knows that. Maybe you need to make sure your kids know that too.

Now, if it's a matter of them not jumping up and getting their laundry out of the dryer the second you say so, then that's another thing. If they are not doing drugs and stuff you can be thankful for that too. I guess it's a matter of perspective.

If your 21 and 18 year old kids are not in school full time, they need to move out--give a deadline of say, Feb 15. If they are in school and wish to continue living with you then they need to start paying $250/month each in rent.

By your question, I can't tell if things are really out of control or not, but if they are truly out of control perhaps you should forget to go Christmas shopping, but you found time to make a new "House Rules' book that you expect to be followed and they each get a copy.........that'll send a message.

Answer 8

This doesn't mean you failed. Just because you are disappointed doesn't mean they are. You're "not satisfied"? Sorry but you don't have a choice! They are grown up and you can't change them. If you try they will resent you. Why do they have to refer to you for their decisions? I think if they need to, they'll come to you for advice, but not permission to have their own opinions. Would you rather be happy or would you rather them be happy? If their are sucessful, you must have done something right. Their not drinking, not on drugs, not on the street so think positively. Are you proud of them? have you told them? Kids pick up on non-verbal cues, body language, tone, etc. I have a degree in Sociology so family roles are very important to self-esteem. Think about how much time is left before they leave your house, how much you will miss them, how excited you will be at their graduations, weddings, to be a grandparent, etc. Maybe that will help you create more positive feelings towards your childre. remember, they didn't ask to be born, so please don't chide them.

Answer 9

I think they probably haven't realised how this affects you. I know at that age, I was only interested in going to work to earn the pennies to socialise!
You can't beat going out with your mates. What kind of house rules are you referring to - what time they come in etc or things like cleaning? I can't imagine it will be on their list of priorities but that surely doesn't make them bad people and you a a bad mother. Just inconsiderate but at that age i don't think you have gone wrong at all!

Give them chance to make their own mistakes in life and just be there to pick up the pieces if and when they need you.
Be proud if them for being so independent - they still need you! Give them a few more years and things will change again and wil become more appreciative of you!

Answer 10

Being self-centered and rude is a reality of teenagers (and early 20s). I think what you are seeing is the normal rebellion of the age. If they are doing well in their studies and careers, then this phase will pass and they will be fine. I could not even start to explain what a rude, awful teenager I was to my mother, but I think I turned out to be a thoughtful loving daughter in the end- I just needed to get all my angst out at that time in my life, and I feel this is a normal process. Don't fret Mom! It will all be OK- you've done your job right and in a few years, you'll see fabulous results. :)

Answer 11

In all honesty l feel that describes most kids these days !! You did not fail with yours !! As long as they have morals and respect for themselves and others, the rest will change as they mature further. NO kids these days like being told what to do and when to do it, they all like to do things when they are good and ready !!They are successful with studies and careers and that proves that you certainly raised them with high standards. I think you have done well !! I think they will all make you very proud of them one day. Keep up the good work !! They sound like typical, normal well adjusted kids to me. Best of luck and merry xmas !!