My husband's ex-wife?

Question

My husband has been divoreced for 5 years now, and his ex-wife continues to send him emails on a monthly basis/she cheated on him. She mentions things like "I wish we had had kids", "are you doing o.k.??", "we are ALWAYS family", etc. The way she words these things in her emails makes it very clear she misses him. We just recently had a baby and I thought she would surely leave us be by this point. I have brought up many times to my husband how uncomfortable it makes me feel that she still emails him and says the things she says and he gets mad at me. Also - he keeps all her emails in his "drafts" folder in his email account - hopping I won't see them. Why would he want to keep them? I have to say - it is nothing dishonest going on in the conversations, but she is making it very clear that she is still there for him, and she really loves him. My husband has gotten very offeneded in the past when I asked him to stop contact with her. I donot know what to do. It does not seem appropriate

Answer 1

I agree that it is inappropriate. sometime's it helps to give people a taste of their own medicine. maybe u might reaquaint yourself with an ex and see how he like's it. ofcourse if he's the type to put his foot in your @ss u should definitely disregard this suggestion.

Answer 2

I'm a very jealous person so I'd be going off the deep end about this. If he doesn't have any feelings for her then you'd think he wouldn't have a problem ending the relationship. I'd be very watchful, since he doesn't seem to care enough about your feelings to stop. If he doesn't stop for you, you'd think he'd stop for the sake of his newly created family. Although I'd be deeply offended that I alone wasn't enough to make him stop. I found a porn site once that my BF (hubby now) was checking out & I came unglued & let him know I chalked it right up there with cheating! He apologized & to my knowledge hasn't done it again. He took appropriate action about something I feel enormously strong about & your husband should too. He should NOT be choosing his ex over you in any way. If it continues, well, it makes you wonder just how much he does love you & how strong your bond even is. You could try blocking her email after you've sent her a clear warning to leave him alone. If he gets upset, well, maybe that should tell you something, you don't want someone who wants someone else anyway, what kind of life is that for you or your little one? However, here's another angle...try emailing her yourself, being all nice & buddy-buddy with her. My mom used to tell me to "kill them with kindness." If you go on & on in your emails about all the husband & wife & family things you do & how great a guy he is & how lucky you are to have him & how great he treats you, how much in love you both are, maybe she'll get grossed out or think there isn't a snowballs chance & she'll move on to more available pastures! It really depends on how much energy you want to put into your angle of attack! You've got several options, but the outcome needs to be the same...their relationship has to end, one way or another!

Answer 3

I am an ex-wife and I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love completely, but I still keep in regular contact with my ex. We have three children together and were married for 18 years. He was a horrible husband and I wouldn't be married to him again for anything, but the fact remains that I "grew up" with him (We were married from the time I was 22 to 40). I do not love him, but he is like my brother now and I can talk to him that way. I miss our family and the "dream" family that I had in my mind even though I am very very happy in my new relationship..

I don't think that you have anything to worry about, it's just that it's not very easy to cut ties with someone that you've known so intimately and shared so much with.

I'm sure that your husband is only putting his letters in the draft folder so that you won't be upset. His ex may still want him back, or she may be like me and just miss "what could have been". Regardless, I think that she is no threat to you at all and they are just a kind of friends, who shared a past together and are helping each other move on.

I think that you should not bother your husband about her, which would cause him to have to sneak around to talk with her. He is being honest with you as far as allowing you to see what is going on and that should be enough to allay any fear on your part.

I don't think that he gets offended that you ask him to stop, just resentful - like you don't understand the relationship between ex-spouses. Let this go and he will admire your trust in him and appreciate it.

God bless and congratulations on your baby!

Answer 4

It sounds to me like either he still has feelings for her OR that by her telling him that she is there for him, she might be giving/offering support that you're not.

How is your marriage? If it's rocky, or if he isn't happy, he will look for happiness elsewhere (it doesn't mean he'll cheat) but if the two of you argue a lot, or if you belittle him or anything along those lines, he might be depressed on the inside, and reading those emails may be his own way of lifting his spirits.

Either way, it doesn't sound appropriate. You need to sit down and have a talk, and instead of demanding that he cut ties and erase the emails (which might make him act rebelious and do exactly the opposite) you should find out why he continues to do so (and PLEASE don't talk in a confrontational demanding way). If he continues contact because your marriage is lacking, I would suggest that you first be happy he isn't cheating, and second work on providing him with whatever it is that he is getting from his ex.

Answer 5

Initially its nothing wrong with be on friendlily terms with an ex especially if there were children involved. But no children there should be no relationship. Yeah she probably realizes that she made a mistake but he has moved on and so should she. This is how affairs start with innocent emails and then next they are meeting and then you are in the middle of an affair. You are right to be concern and wanting this relationship. I bet if he knew that this is probably how she started her last affair. Some women only want a man that is taken. Sad but true. Ease up a bit and maybe he will end this situation before it gets out of hand.

Answer 6

Hi jilljj11

Ex-wife is O B S E S S I N G and your husband is allowing it to continue for whatever reason. It’s time for YOUR husband to be YOUR husband and not the ex-husband. His life now is with you and your baby.

Sit down and tell him how you feel about this situation. Have an effective communication session(s) with him. HE has zero grounds to be “offended” he is the one encouraging the ex-wife not you!! He surely wouldn’t trade his life now for what he had then, if it was so great before he wouldn’t have left right? He has many unresolved issues with the ex but he has to mentally move forward with his life.

It's also very possible this situation is an ego thing with him,, having 2 women love him at the same time.......?????

Answer 7

Yes, something is not right. She's not over him. Either that or she is very spiteful and doesn't want things to work out for you guys. Either way, she is not the true definition of a woman. A real woman would not interfere and cause problems the way she is doing. She does not really care about him either, because she knows she is causing strife in his relationship. Bottomline, she probably wants him back. She has not found anyone else, and what do we do when we can go forward? Go backwards.

Answer 8

Its not appropriate!! And if just the fact that it makes you uncomfortable that he talks to her isnt enough for him to stop then he is selfish and is putting her above you. You could always try to do the same thing to him-start talking to an ex or a guy he doesnt like. Or you may have a serious decision to make. If you dont want to leave him over something like this, you may have to suck it up. Decide how important it is to you. I would definitely kick him in the balls and tell him to stop tho!

Answer 9

It is not appropriate. Period. I would tell him to go be with her and save the two of them all the trouble of typing. Let him know when she dumps him again you will not be there in e-mails or person to pick up the pieces. I'm not sure how you deal with this especially since they do not have kids together. There is no reason for contact to an old love unless they want to be together. He treats you like the other women...Besides how are you going to explain this to your child because it sounds like she is here to stay.

Answer 10

I have to agree with you that it does seem inappropriate. I could see if they did have children together and so there would be a need to continue to be civil with one and other. But the fact that she is an ex and continues to want to converse with him sounds kind of wacky to this old guy. If your husband refuses to listen to you and take your feelings into account then it may be necessary for you both to engage in some form of couples counseling. Best of luck with this situation.

Answer 11

If they are ex's then they should really cut all ties between each other. Sounds to me like he might still have some feelings for her and that could be why he keeps them. He probably isn't trying to hide them (if he was you wouldn't be able to get into his email account) but wanting to put them someplace where he can see them. He really needs to talk to you about how he feels...