My husband of almost 17 years sat me down a few weeks before the birth of our seventh child to tell me he had feelings for a female co-worker. I thought I had the perfect marriage, to the perfect man, I completley adore him, I try to love him and each of the kids unconditionally. He said he loves me he just felt like maybe there could be something better out there for him, and that would be in addition to me. I was devistated, I am 35, very inshape, I take care of everything he needs, I dont go out w/ friends, or drink or act irresponsibly. I can't get over it. A few weeks after the baby was born I snooped on our computer and found that he had registered on Adult Friend Finder was looking at naked girls every day and asked some to meet him. He had a handle and profile on the site seeking a relationship. He had taken nude photos of himself for the site that he says he never posted. He said he made a mistake and now he is fixed, why can't I just get over it, it is no big deal. help!!
2006-12-13 06:18:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No big deal?!! The man you married, and bore Seven children to tells you he want someone else, and its no big deal? Wow.
2006-12-13 06:27:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
I think that you have been pretty nice about this hole thing, He has alot of nerve telling you to get over it. I think that you need to let him know how you feel and what he had done to you was wrong, let him know that the last thing you needed to hear before giving birth to your seventh child was that he was getting board in your marriage. I also think that you should tell him that he should of thought about what he really wanted before he married you and had SEVEN kids, your husband needs to know that he can't lay something like this on you during that most important time of both of you lives and then expect you to forget about as if it never happened. Its time for you to get back your identity and friends, its time for you to start living again and not just being there for him when he wants you. I know your kids have beenyour main focus for many years now and with a new baby it will be hard, but you need some time to go out and have your time as a person and not a mom or a wife. Let your husband know that you will not be his stepping stone nor will you be a matt for him to walk all over when he wants, let him know that he hurt you in a bad way and you just can't get over it. As to the quesion that you had ask, tell him that you do not want him to go to the party with this co worker that he has feelings for. Let him know that the way to get your marriage back on track is to think about seeing a marriage councilor, and then you will see if your marriage will work. good luck and stay stronge.
2006-12-13 07:00:05 · answer #2 · answered by BASHFUL 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all he shouldn't go. (But if that opinion doesn't get him.)Throw him a curve ball. Maybe he wants to see some girl on girl action. Tell him if this other girl isn't interested in both of you no deal. After 17 years that's too many to throw away over one feeling of lust. I watched many friends go through similar events and some make it and some don't. Your future in this matter is really up to you. If he has no intention of leaving then it's up to you but if he does it will ride on making your reaction count. Is he your best friend or just your lover? Best friends can share everything in life. Lovers have walls that never come down. Remember your vows for better and for worse. Sometimes the worse is the unthinkable.
2006-12-13 06:41:07 · answer #3 · answered by Kitty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is a big deal. There are two problems here. One is that he has a problem with porn. Not as big of a deal. The bigger concern is that he tried to take it further. And he would have if you didn't catch him.
If he's bored, there are things you can do to spice up your love life. I know it sounds weird, but maybe buying a porn that both of you could watch would be good. Or maybe allowing him to look at it without getting upset would be an outlet for him.
All men have this drive in them. If you don't want to try new things to spice it up, then maybe there is no way to keep it together, cause he will eventually try and spice it up himself. And if he is trying to get with other women, maybe he is no good for you anyway.
2006-12-13 06:47:00 · answer #4 · answered by sickblade 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If what you say is true and he's told you this and has taken the steps he has to search out new 'companionship" then I'll be frank. It doesn't look good.
I can only suggest that you may want to retain counsel and begin proceedings if he hasn't changed his way. As far as this party goes...which you haven't quite toucjed on other than the heading/question....you make your demands...not request....quite clear to him. If he walks out the door and goes to the party then the gauntlet has been thrown. That will tell you right then and there where you stand in the grand scheme of things in his life and how he feels about your feelings.
Once that occurs...you'll know which way to go with this.
2006-12-13 06:55:41 · answer #5 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well he either takes you or he dont go or you could start leaving kids with him and you goout with friends i think main problem is life getting harder and uninteionally your drifting apartand abit of bordem with your relationshipand dare say tired divorce is an easy way not too face problems but divorce in this case somany kids will make more problems you need to talk about what you both want do you feel like your missing out on this partof lifethats why you cant get over it Agood way tostart answer his ad and get him to book a 5 star hotel before you meet rromantic dinner then have sex all night he will be shocked and you will have a laugh and great nightout or get a loverand make yourself happy
2006-12-15 05:43:24 · answer #6 · answered by ariesfunram 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If i was you i would tell my husband not to go with her in fact let him go but insist you go with (try check out the competition), but in the mean time start going out at night with friends. Casually mention on your way out ,one time(after a couple nights out), where you are going and that you are meeting a friend . Come up with ambiguous name that could be misinterpreted as a mans name.Make sure you are dressed Super-Sexy(get friends advice on this one) and wear perfume . Dont give him any attention before you go out , act preoccupied.Then see what he does
If he goes to place to see what you are doing then you know he does not want you to "play the field". I would suggest then that you try get "alone" time, with him. Talk about something apart from the kids, and go out and do something adventurous. Maybe he is just bored with the routine of life.
.
2006-12-13 06:34:07 · answer #7 · answered by TakeNoticeNow 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reality is your husband is being unfaithful to your marriage. He is actively looking for sex (or more) outside of his marriage. He only told you he would stop after you caught him, but he will not stop.
With seven children he may thinking you dont have time for him. OR he may just be using that as an excuse. You married very young and he may be thinking he "missed out" on something by committing to you at such a young age. These are just a couple of excuses that he may use to rationalize his behavior.
I suggest you get counselling to help you deal with this. I wish you luck.
2006-12-13 06:31:30 · answer #8 · answered by Crazy Old Woman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seven kids!! wow I have one and he keeps me busy....I give you so much respect!! Now you had seven of his children and he is looking at other women,no no no. that is a big no no! Tell him to get on his caculator and calculat 17% from his check and another 17% and another till he gets the result of 17% for each child. That is the amount of child support he will have to pay...he will be lucky to have $50.00 by the time he is all done...then ask him about the girl again......the nerve of him after you went and bared seven of his children...I can't even imagine, I am speachless.....I am also very sorry he is doing this to you, you are a wonderful mother and should be treated as a godess!! remember that....best of luck
jenn
2006-12-13 06:30:32 · answer #9 · answered by Army Love 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to be blunt, but it is not looking good. Seven kids can drive passion out of a marriage if it isn't managed properly. Don't blame yourself. He's got an itch to sow his wild oats and he's going to do it with or without your consent. I speak from experience. If you want to keep him, are you are willing to accept the fact that it will not be a monogamous relationship? Is there something missing in the bedroom that's making him look elsewhere? Have you talked about sexual frequency and needs?
It sounds like you two are talking but not about the real issues.
2006-12-13 06:30:03 · answer #10 · answered by RightLeft 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a big deal, get rid of the slimeball. You are good enough for him but he is not good enough for you. To let any partner (Man or woman) in a relationship treat you in this way is wrong, you are being mentally abused and this cant be healthy for your child either. He may say he no longer uses the web site or now the problem is fixed, I doubt it. He has given you more than enough reason not to trust him
2006-12-13 07:10:03 · answer #11 · answered by cat00415 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋