Why is adultery unacceptable in this society?

Question

I was reading today's (12/13/06) column on Annie's Mailbox, and as much as I wish I could post the entire column, because of copyright considerations I won't do so. However, the letter writer wrote more or less the following, "A spouse who violates his/her marriage vows commits adultery. Yet, why is there no public disdain for a spouse who fails to fulfill the implied marital vows of intimacy?", for which the columnists answered: "Spouses should make every effort to maintain intimacy in a marriage. It is crucial to the health of the relationship."

Now, again, why does that go out the window when a spouse has been exposed for seeking elsewhere what he/she couldn't get at home?

My personal view is that both should bear EQUAL responsibility for the violation of marital vows in such cases, and society is doing millions of people a disservice by vindicating one spouse and condemning the other one.

Answer 1

I agree with the questioner. The so-called wronged party needs to accept his/her share of the blame. By saying that, I am in no way exhonorating the adulterer, but people shouldn't be so quick to think that the so-called wronged party is innocent.

People may say that we are responsible for our choices and basically it is true. But there are DRIVING FORCES behind the choices we make that shouldn't be ignored or discounted.

This is my view on adultery:

1) If you deny your spouse sex ON A CONSISTENT BASIS, you get what you deserve.

BUT....

2) If he/she is simply not satisfied with with you, because you've gotten fat or sick, DESPITE THEIR TRUE AND HONEST EFFORTS in or out of the bedroom, then by all means, shame on the adulterer, take him/her to the cleaners for all its worth.

Some of the self-righteous morons will say "if you're not satisfied, get a divorce", without realizing that it isn't always that simple, especially when you have been married for decades and have children and assets to consider. Sex is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and if a spouse consistently denies you intimacy, what are you supposed to do? Live without love?

We shouldn't have to choose between everything we worked for and a little happiness on the side, AS LONG AS we have communicated our dissatisfaction to no avail.

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Responding to BK's "And if you do it without telling me, this is a sign that you not only have no respect for me and my wishes, it shows you are a cowardly lying snake who does whatever they want and the consequences to others be d*mned. "

My response, respect goes both ways. When you deny me my needs on a consistent basis, you are not showing me respect for me or my wishes. So why should I respect yours?

As far as cowardly lying snake, I think it is a harsh judgment without knowing all the facts in every situation.

Answer 2

Every situation that ends up in adultery is different, therefore it can not be assumed that if adultery happens, that the spouse couldn't get it at home. In fact, many that commit adultery do so by lying to the person outside the marriage and saying they can't get it at home when in fact, they can. I think there is disdain for spouses who fail to fulfill the implied marital vows of intimacy, in fact, that is a two way street. If a spouse doesn't fulfill intimate needs, their partner needs to communicate their disappointment to them about this and find out why their spouse is unable to fulfill those needs. If the answers don't make sense and they are unable to work it out on their own, they need to go seek counseling, whether it be through a psychologist, religious person or other trained person. With the amount of assistance available to couples in crisis out there, there is no reason (other than fear) that issues can't be worked out together. There is equal responsibility for all issues in a marriage, but I have to say that the person who does not communicate their needs and desires to the other bears the heaviest portion of blame. People can't read each other's minds, and without information, can not do anything to fix any problems.

Answer 3

The answer to your question, is simple. Adultery is against one of God's laws. In a marriage, you make certain oaths, not only to the one you are marrying, but also to God.

Most people in today's society are God-fearing and while most do not live a life that is completely "Christ-like", there are morals and standards they still live by.

If things in a marriage are so bad that one person has to step outside of the marriage to fulfill a part of their life, then they have trampled on those oaths.

While situations vary from case to case, it typically comes down to a complete lack of communication between the marriage partners.

I agree with you in your statement that in SOME cases, both parties should bear responsibility. But, in most cases, it is only one party that is to blame.

Trust me, there is public disdain for the person who steps out. Would you rather have their names and photos listed in the local paper on a weekly basis?

If you would, then think it about it this way. Should everyone who sees a friend driving a new car and is envious be put on a list, as well? They are coveting a neighbor's goods.

Besides that, if the infidelity falls onto only one person's shoulders, is it fair to expose the innocent victim?

You have posed an excellent question. I am sure it will spark a lot of debate. But also keep in mind the Biblical saying, "He who is without sin, ay cast the first stone."

While the perpetrator may not ahve to answer to the public, he/she will have to answer to his/her own God when the time comes.

Answer 4

I think you are clueless. Read your own words. There is a big difference between marriage VOWS and an IMPLIED responsibility. Many people can imply many things, and it is all subjective. There is nothing ambiguous about a vow of faith.

Are you married? Are you hot? If so, want to go out with me?

UPDATE: WOW!!!! That answer right below mine is truly a piece of work. I think we are all much dumber for having experienced it. That is the most irrelevant, twisted, meaningless drivel I've ever read. And the answer above mine is excellent. You might be a little more insightful if you read a good book and spent (wasted) less of your life reading idiotic gossip columns...

Answer 5

If *both* partners are okay with one seeking sex outside the marriage, fine.

It's when *one* person makes that decison for both people without informing the other that trouble springs up. And that goes for inside OR outside of marriage.

Unless I give my okay, I don't want you sleeping with someone else, giving me all their diseases, kissing me with the taste of their come on your mouth (even figuratively), sharing intimate times with them, etc. I want to know about it. And if you do it without telling me, this is a sign that you not only have no respect for me and my wishes, it shows you are a cowardly lying snake who does whatever they want and the consequences to others be d*mned. It's that sociopathic element to cheating that I find so objectionable. Sex schmex as long as both people say go get some seomwhere else - but still I think we get attached to the people we have sex with and that's *another* problem.

That road is fraught with danger and pitfalls. And the least of those are religious or moral or self-righteous 'I would never do that' emotions. Better to say up front 'hey honey i'm f*cking the pool guy or the secretary.'

But if (usually) the wife changes after marriage and stops having sex - well g*ddamnher for that just as much. Better to say up front, "We're going to walk down that aisle and that's the last bl*wjob you'll ever see, pal. And maybe sex once every 2 months." And if you play that shrewish game, then the husband has every right to ask for and get sex outside the marriage.

Answer 6

you couldn't be more right ,two adults should work together as one to make things work and we shouldn't be vindicating each other with revenge and spite,but too many times our so called friends in this society interfere and influence our common sense a long with our weaknesses during the trauma as we medicate the issues with drugs and alcohol and then only to fall into the hands of the devil's work to commit the same sin that was inflicted on us,kind of like an eye for an eye,a tooth for a tooth, but that doesn't justify our actions in the end,we are still faced with living with the consequences of our own actions not so much the actions of others,Good Question!

Answer 7

Adultery IS acceptable in this society. What isn't acceptable is when two humans agree to a monogamous relationship and then one of them decides to break that agreement. There are a ton of groups that not only condone "open relationships" in the physical sense but they celebrate it. It's my understanding that only the biblical challenged have a problem with that practice. What I think your getting at is basically a break of an agreement or contract that two people have signed off on and then one decides to break without discussing it with the other person. Would I find that unacceptable? You bet I would.

Answer 8

I thought adultery was very much accepted in society because it seems like most married men and women are doing it. It doesn't married that you don't keep your intimacy thing because it's not stated in the marriage vows that you have to be intimate all the time. It just a part of marriage.

Answer 9

Um, when someone isn't being faithful, they are bringing a third party into their life. This third party can also cause one to create other offspring and cause havoc for the children involved. Intimacy is such a delicate situation, because it creates LIFE and DEATH (Aids, hiv, etc.) Anything else between the two of them... is just between the two of them. That's why it's so different.

Answer 10

Adultery is unacceptable, because when you are having sex with someone else you are not trying to work on your marriage. I have been the cheater and the cheated on, so I understand both sides of it. Still that doesn't make it right. The right thing to do is to get out of the relationship if you are unhappy enough to turn to someone else.