should i stay with her or leave?

Question

I am in a situation where a woman loves me and i love her. but she has kids (between 7&12) and i never saw myself as being a stepfather. I always wanted my own family; not the packaged deal. I know if this becomes permanent problems will occur because she wants me to spend time with them but it is dam near impossible for me to be the person she wants when deep inside i want something different for myself. (NO I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS OF MY OWN) but i do want kids i want to be there to see the first steps, you know the good stuff. what should i do. note i am 27 just in case age is a factor for u

Answer 1

The answer is really quite simple. If you don't want the package deal then this is not the relationship for you. Even if you love her and really want to be with her the relationship is in jeopardy from the start because you don't really want the kids. She is a package deal-- you have to take it that way an deal with the children in a loving manner or you have to just move on.

Answer 2

Yes, difficult situation... It is a package deal, and obviously you recognize it as such... and the reason you are reluctant, is a natural thing: Men just aren't big into raising other men's children. Its roots are in evolution -- there are no benefits to your genetics to do so. {We are not so far removed from critters after all. Male lions kill cubs of other males when they take over a pride, in part to eliminate the genes, and in part to bring the females back into oestrus. The female, on the otherhand delays ovulation for weeeeeeeeeks so that that new male will accept the new cubs as his (which indeed they will be). Never will a female zebra, horse, cow or any other herd animal nurse an orphan, even if it has lost its own baby.....}

So your feelings are absolutely understandable. In your place, you and she should seek some counseling together. You also should seek some advise, and bounce your feeling off of a professional. You need to know all the issues that will exist being a step-dad. And for sure you and she, and her children should spend lots of time together. And absolutely you should confess your feelings of your never having seen yourself as a stepdad. If the lady has all the qualities you seek in a wife, in your place I would not eliminate her as a contender. Marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, with a whole lot of lovies, caring, time together, shared experiences, and creating a loving enviornment in which to raise your children, hers as will as those you and she will have. But if you already know, that no way do you want a package deal, not even with some counseling, not even knowing all that you may face and this is not negotiable EVEN if the lady were absolutely perfect, then you need to tell her so, break it off, and get on with your life.... fair's fair: She probably wants to again be married. And you would simply be taking up her time......

Answer 3

Step kids are a huge challenge but very rewarding also. You may still be able to have kids of your own, it is just a matter of communication with your girl friend on whether she wants or can even have more children. As far as the kids don't get involved with them unless you think the relationship is going to work. Give the kids a try though, you find them a lot of fun. Remember you will never be a replacement for their real dad and that he will usually come first even though he does them wrong at times. Talk to your girl friend and talk through this matter. She wants you to get to know the kids because they are part of the deal and she has to be concerned with the kids first.
If you get involved with her kids you may just find it very rewarding, I know have found it that way. It is definitely a challenge at times but never boring. Good luck and remeber that the kids give up their hearts easily and they can be hurt easily as well. Be honest with them and you can't go wrong. Don't say things you don't mean and don't make promises you won't keep.

Answer 4

okay i had 4 kids when my husband and i met. We hit it off great. Most guys do want their own kids but it takes a truly remarkable person to take on a premade family and if you don't have then leave so she has a chance to find someone who can handle it.If you truly loved her it wouldn't matter how many kids she has or your age.My husband and I had another baby so we now have 5 have been together for nine years and I am only 28. It is sad that you feel step kids are not as good a REAL kids. Sure first steps are great but so is succesfully raising a person to love and be a good person.I wish you luck

Answer 5

If you knew you did not want a package deal , why did you even hook up with her. That was unfair to her and her children from the very begining! And to love a woman with children is to love them as well unconditionally. And if you can't find it in your heart to love other peoples children then you yourself do not need any.YOU SAID..when deep inside i want something different for myself....Then why are you still there? Leave now , before those kids fall in love with you , and then you leave just like there father , don't make those kids hate all upcoming men that COULD love them and their mother. You are only hurting that family.

Answer 6

I'm kind of in the same situation except I have my own already. Being a step parent is tough, I never saw myself taking on this role either. You have to basically weigh the good and the bad. With only 2 kids in is not unreasonable to think the two of you can have one of your own. Whatever you do, think long and hard about it. You are not only affecting your life but hers as well as her children's. No need to lead them on and then have them go through a divorce process several years later because you didn't think this out.

Answer 7

Yeah I agree, if you really love her, you have to love her kids also. If it's not what you want, she's NOT the last woman left in the world. I have a daughter, my BF has a daughter, and we want one together. It all depends on what you want. If you know that you don't want the packaged deal, don't try to change anything because it just won't work. Talk to her about how you feel, it may be hard but it's what you need to do if you believe in your heart that you love her! Good luck with everything!

Answer 8

Love comes in many different packages. If you truly love her and want to be with her, you'll have to accept being a father figure to her two children. Make sure that she is aware that you do want children of your own. Would it hurt to befriend her children? Get to know them? Allow them to get to know you?? It may not be the "perfect" family you imagined or wished for, but its an extended family and it can be just as wonderful!

Answer 9

Well if you love the girl you should love the kids too....especially if marriage is a concern of the future.....is she able to have children? Have some with her if she can....I too am not the ready made family kinda guy, however there have been a few in my life that I have loved so much that IT DID NOT MATTER regardless........you love her enough to think about marriage at all......then you need to step up and love them children of hers! have a good day, age is not a concern of mine...add 15 years to yours if it matters.......then you have my age! No one said life is easy, however a good womam can make it more bearable!

Answer 10

This woman is not the one for you. Her and her children do come as a package deal. So you will just have to choose whether you want the "package deal" or be single until you meet someone else.

When I married my now ex-husband, he had a son. I ended up adopting him and I can't even imagine my life without him and it never even crosses my mind that he's not my biological child.