I do not know why people do this to me...maybe because i am nice...?

Question

?????My husband was in a "fatal accident many, many years ago"...people will still ask me.."How did it happen"...NOW I FEEL THAT IS AN INTRUSIVE QUESTION AND ALSO RUDE ..Don't they realize that it could cause me to grieve all over again...when i have finished with my painful grieving??? Plus when i answer politely.."i do not re-live it"..they will go and ask someone they 'THINK' knows what happened??? why do they want to know...it is none of their business and if it were to happen to THEM THEY WOULD DO THE SAME>>>> please honest answers please...and what would you say IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO EXPLAIN ANYMORE...it is not good to re-live that sad stuff....

Answer 1

Perhaps the people were trying to be COMPASSIONATE to you!

If you said you didn't want to re-live it. I would honor your request and change the subject, after humbly apologizing!

Answer 2

Firstly I'm sorry for your pain...unfortunately, some people are of the notion that it is best to talk about the tragedy (sort of akin to a theraputic session) however there is only so much that they be privvy to and asking for details whether recent or distant, is something that has to be taken and given on a person by person basis. Many don't see their inquisitory attitudes as rude but rather as displaying concern and interest for you...there are those tho, I'm sure who are simply interested in all the details of everyone's life so that they can "fit in" to a circle where they may have little to no personal experience or reason to be.

Some people may feel that talking about their loved one's tragedy allows them to ensure they don't forget the loved one, or they somehow feel closer to the loved one by doing so...others, such as yourself, have great difficulty in bringing yourself to speak of this painful past and you are more able to cope by not reliving things over and over for the benefit of someone who is just now learning of the heartache.

By answering these particular types of people my tendency would be to simply say..."I hope you'll understand when I say I simply don't wish to discuss it. It was a long time ago and I'm still very devestated by it. I'd appreciate if you not ask me again and if you could tell others who you think might be planning on asking me...to not do so."

Anyone who has even a half a brain should understand that it is not their place to force this issue with you...by stating the above, it's almost certain that anyone who cares for you will pass your wish on to others so that they can help to lessen the intrusions further.

I hope you find comfort in the loving memories, take care

Answer 3

I'm sorry for your loss. You must have loved him very much, and it sounds like you still do.

The problem is, people are asking because they are concerned about you. If something traumatic happened to someone I know, I would want to know more so I could help them. The more information I have, the less likely it would be that I would hurt you. For example, if I knew a friend was a recovering alcoholic, I wouldn't ask them if I could buy them a beer.

Unfortunately, other people's concern is causing you pain. And it seems that you haven't quite dealt with that pain yet.

Just politely say, "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to talk about it. It's still very painful for me, even though it happened a while ago. I hope that you can understand that and accept that I want a little bit of privacy in this."

Answer 4

I think it's just curiosity. Car accidents can happen to anyone, so people are curious what happened so that they can understand. I would just say, "My husband was in a fatal accident but I don't like discussing it". Let that be the end. You can't control what someone is going to ask someone else.

Honestly it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues regarding this horrible tragedy and I think you would do well to invest in some counseling. Perhaps you could try a group for widows or maybe a therapist, depending on what you are comfortable with.

My deepest sympathy on your loss.

Answer 5

If it was so long ago why are they even asking about your husband? Do you tell people you are a widow? If you do, I would ask why you tell them that. You are single period, no one would know your husband died if you don't tell them. You don't have to tell them anything, its perfectly acceptable to look at them and say, "Its really none of your business". It just seems like it would be easier if you avoided it all together. I wonder if you are not in some way holding onto the fact that your husband was killed unconsciously.....if you tell people your husband died, or that you're a widow you might not have let go of it as much as you think you did. If that seems possible I suggest a book called "Letting Go" by Guy Finlay. It teaches you about facing it, feeling it and letting it go....that goes for everything....not just your husbands death. I honestly think if it has been many, many years as you say than it should not be reliving it to talk about it.....which I think sweety means you still need to let go of it. Hugs...

Answer 6

You are right, the less you need is to re live it all, and people do not understand it since they have not gone through such situations, therefore they do not know what it is like. I think it is likely that everyone will want to know what happened, so I think you should ask them not to ask any more! it just happened and now it is in the past. You could ask them to respect that for retelling it is not good for you. You should get yourself together, and your family overall, and demand respect.
I hope you get my idea clear, and also hope you do better!!
my best wishes

Answer 7

I'm sorry about your husband. You need to let these rude and intrusive people know politely it is something you don't want to discuss. Being a broken record is my advice and also being with people that respect your choices not to discuss it. I had a failed move because of my disability and a friend's death and I had people continue to ask me I had to be a broken record and keep repeating No I can't discuss this good luck

Answer 8

You can just say :

He is in heaven now and that's all that matters.

or

I don't believe that that is an appropiate question, I just made your acquantaince.


or

Please be sensitive and don't dwell into my pain.

or

best of all...



So, how did YOUR mother died?

That will shut off the noisey, rude, insensitive people... how dare they?

Maybe you should skip that information when introduced to new people. If you tell them that you h died years ago, your are tickling people's curiosity. If your are not asked, then don;t tell them, or you can say that you are a widow and that's it.

Good luck

Answer 9

Actually, it can be good to re-live it. It will get it out of your system and you can accept it easier, instead of being a ticking time bomb when people just want you to let them in. Besides, they may have gone through the same thing to and may be able to help you cope. Or, you can just get mad at every new person you meet, caz not everyone knows you don't want to talk about it, until you blow up in their face. . .

Answer 10

Girl... I think they're trying to give you respect for what happen to your husband (R*I*P).... and then once they turn there back on you, they'll start talking... everyone does that.... your not the only one... but it's life... let them have something to talk about... because in reality it's not there business what so ever.... if they think they know what happen then let them think of what they think they know.. but only "GOD" who is our Heavenly Father will judge those who talks about others.... all you have to do, is stand yo' ground and smile.... because in the long run, your husband is smiling down @ you from up above... Guiding you with is shining star.... so smile... May the good Lord be wit' you always and to continually shower you wit' his unconditional love... much love to you girl.... peace out.... :o)

Answer 11

You are perfectly within your rights not to want to explain what happened. Sometimes people can be so insensitive. You can still be nice and tell them in a polite way that you care not to discuss this very painful chapter in your life and that you are trying to move on.