When it happened it was so close to wedding I forgave him and didn't treat it like a big deal. Now I look back I do think it was a big deal that he went to a strip club under a promise that he would not get a private dance, got one then told all our friends to lie to me about it before I finally figured it out. Am I a hipocrit for feeling bad about it now?
2006-12-13 02:36:56 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you are questioning the fact that he remained faithful, it's a problem. Your problem.
I've been married for 17 years and go to strip clubs, bachelor parties with overnight stays in Vegas, sales parties in New York with just men and don't get home until 3-4 in the morning, but don't cheat on my wife. She knows I am faithful and believes it. The best way to end a good relationship is to fight about money or infidelity. Ask him if he cheated on you. If he says no, you gotta drop it. If he says yes, you already forgave him.
Good Luck.
2006-12-13 02:42:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You certainly aren't a hypocrite for feeling bad about it now. You just didn't expect it to impact you this much as it has, just prior to the wedding.
Strippers are trained to be, and are very good at, drawing a customer into these "services" where they actually make their money. What they do on the main floor is just a teaser - they don't make much except for those few dollars that are slid under their g-strings. Strippers can be very charming and pursuasive.
And when around friends, esp on a bachelor party kinda night, it is pretty difficult to go against the stream and say "no, I'm sorry, I won't do it because I promised her". Not that it was intended to disrespect you. It was a momentary impulsive reaction. And his requesting his friends to lie about it was because he may wanted to have not make a big deal about it, and not wanting to hurt your feelings. He does care for you ~ hence didn't want you to know about it.
What's critical is the repetitive nature of that behavior. If he makes that a habit of frequenting strip clubs and have private dances and tries to do it behind your back, then it's definitely an issue you'll have to deal with. But, one stray incidence at a bachelor's party shouldn't be that big of a deal for you.
It's natural you feel the way you feel. You're also going through big changes in your life right now and it's emotionally tough on you. Don't question and second guess your decision to marry him. You had good reasons to do so in the first place. Trust yourself. Communicate your feelings without coming across as whining. Good luck.
2006-12-13 02:52:58 · answer #2 · answered by houstonian352000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough situation because you know you are about to marry this person and you dont want ruin the relationship with someone you love enough to marry. At the same time he lied to you. I know that a lot of guys do stuff like that right before they get married because its the last chance to do something wild and crazy before tying the knot. I guess you have to decide what is important to you. Do you still trust him... Is this something you can put behind you and move on or is it something that you constantly think about. I mean you can look at it like he went outta his way to lie so he could have a good time or you can look at it like whats done is done you are his wife now and that's that. I think that you should talk to him about it, tell him how you feel and let him know that infidelity will NOT be tolerated. If he does something like that during the marriage my advise would be to leave him because he doesnt take this commitment seriously. I dont know if this helps ......
2006-12-13 02:47:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you aren't. It's the normal feeling that any woman can feel before her guy did some that he was promised don't do it. I think you forgave him because your wedding was so close and maybe you have scare to end all the stuff that you had lived with him, but if you forgave him, he has to behave better because he lost 1 oportunity and you shouldn't forgive him again, he gave his word. It's very hard that your guy had lied to you, but isn't forget like that.
If you want to live your life happily now, you don't have to think in that situaation because it will bringing bad memories to your head, it's better let it go, while he doesn't repeat it again.
Good luck and take care! ;)
2006-12-13 02:48:16 · answer #4 · answered by Delosly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you see yourself with him 10 years from now? What do you see it being like? Is he essentially a good person?
If you see yourself being with him in the future, you have to let go of it or it will end up creating a rift between you. I would make it crystal clear that this is not something that you would want to happen again.
My ex-husband lied to me about this behavior for years, so I know how you feel. I personally can't stand how our culture says this kind of behavior is "normal." If it creates disunity in your family it shouldn't be done.
The truth is you're both going to do stupid stuff to varying degrees during your marriage; draw the lines that are important to you and make sure he knows where those lines are. Invite him to let you know what things upset him about you, too. (Scary and hard, I know.) My current husband and I know where the other one stands, what's okay and what is not okay. We talk and we are happy.
I think it's normal and expected to feel what you're feeling now. I personally would be furious. But marriage is not the place to hold grudges. Focus on the making the future strong and united. Remember that it takes both of you to create a good marriage.
2006-12-13 02:53:51 · answer #5 · answered by Claire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel your pain but if you forgave him then, try to forget it, and move on. though it may seem hard to do that especially because you have realised he wanted to hide it from you, just try and your marriage will work out. if you keep stressing yourself with this you wont be happy and comfortable in your marrige and this will end up in divorce. try to rediscover the love feelings you have for him, and all that made you accept to marry him and see if they are more important than the mistake he made.. which you forgave him..for before you wedded and make your decision.
see how he treats you too to make certain that he still loves you and the mistake he did was just part of being human
2006-12-13 02:54:18 · answer #6 · answered by sonai 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i think it is pretty natural you feel the way you do but, as long as he isn't still lying about things i bet time will make a difference. My "boyfriend" and i had been together six years when i got pregnant and we decided to get married. I wouldn't have minded him going to a strip club if i could have had my own bachlorette party but, at four months pregnant it wouldn't have quite worked out! He told me he and his friends were going to play lazer tag but, he was laughing. He wasn't trying to be a good liar, i knew what he was up to. I was pretty upset about it. Ten years and three babies later it isn't a big deal and there is no emotion attached to it anymore. I hope you start to feel better.
2006-12-13 02:47:17 · answer #7 · answered by C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no you're not; but i made more than a few mistakes before my wedding though, and not just strip clubs! i tried to put myself out there, unsuccessfully, though she never would have known it but to see my body language when we both ran into her at the grocery store! it was my first time though.
i eventually got away from the strip clubs, which was a lot easier than i thought. as far as i know I'm forgiven, for what that's worth, but you have to figure out what it is that you're willing to forgive and live with or what you can never forget? why is the strip club such a big deal, do you think that he was in a position where he could have taken it further and cheated, do you think that perhaps he is cheating or did at that time, are there other, larger issues with pornography that are to be considered what exactly does that mean? if it's about having everything out in the open and knowing everything that may not be entirely realistic; eventually you'll have to trust him and know that time he spends away from you, by himself or with his friends, isn't going to lead to a situation where he'll do something stupid. some of us are in a work in progress, others know exactly what we want and never, ever, put ourselves in such a compromising situation, you have to figure out which one of those two extremes, is someone that you want to live with for the rest of your life ...
2006-12-13 02:45:19 · answer #8 · answered by collard greens with hash browns 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you need to talk to him about it. Communication is THE key to a successful marriage.
Yes, he is wrong for lieing to you and you have a right to be angry with him. But don't end your marriage just because of a stupid arguement like this. Yes, I can understand how him getting a private lap dance could make you feel insecure, but you should trust him. If you don't trust him to keep his pants on, then you'll never have a happy marriage.
2006-12-13 02:46:55 · answer #9 · answered by Ritz Grimarren 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no, its okay to feel that way now. im sure he went to a strip club things got out of hand and he didnt want to hurt your feelings. it was probably just a one time thing before he said his vows . guys can do some skanky things and that would bother me too. but dont worry about him doing something like that again and if he does than you should put your foot down. if it happens again than you hve reason to worry and be really pissed. like i said though you are probably just feeling paranoid and i would too. just tell him its been on your mind lately and see what he says if he says baby im so sorry for hurting you and i promise strip clubs are a thing in the past then you dont have to worry if he says all that and then sneaks out to one the next night then kick his ***.
2006-12-13 02:46:20 · answer #10 · answered by chandal r 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋