My husband said he is tired of us and no longer loves me, then says stay and has become overly affectionate?

Question

We have been married for 8 years, 3 Kids. I thought things were great but he was a little down around thanksgiving. Then I pressured him to tell me what his deal was. Friday night he told me he is tired of us and no longer loves me & wants a divorce. "It happens" he Said. I asked all the typical questions (Why, Was it someone else etc) He said no one else and he didn't know why he felt this way & said he has been telling himself for 6 months he wasn't feeling this way, but yet he went through all sorts of trouble arranging a special birthday for me hotel and all. I cried, did all the usual. It was like he wanted to see my responces. I freaked out, went upstairs & started getting things together like (passwords for accounts etc) He asked me to come to bed and said that could wait. He waited in a chair until 3 am for me. Then he said we may have a chance if I stay.Then he has cuddled & become intimate with me, and every day since and done the same, but still says I don't know whats next.

I did ask about going to see someone and he said no, he didn't need someone to tell him he was screwing up. (Yes I know red flag) but I have been cheated on before in my first marriage (this is both our 2nd) and I don't have that gut feeling. (I'm pretty good about reading that.) I asked if he had talked to his friends or dad? He hasn't said a word to anyone about how he was feeling. I called his friend who he just went to visit and he said it sounds like he just wants my attention, but what a way to get it? I have recently lost a lot of weight and have been very secure with my self and I haven't been initiating much contact because I figured it was his turn for awhile. But maybe that has backfired? I am just so confused. I am not worried about the finance thing, and I know I can survive without him since I have done the single mom thing before and I am secure enough to know I could find someone else if I wanted to, but I don't want to (With all my heart and soul I love this man.)

I just don't want anything else to backfire. Do I be myself and let him keep being affectionate and hope this changes things?
or do I not give in so easily? I know someone had stated before men do want want they can't have (or a strong independent person) Not a needy one.
I just don't want to be so subbmissive it backfires. (Guys HELP me out here) What goes through your minds when you do stuff like this?

Answer 1

Just show your affection for him. It sounds like he is really trying to keep it together with you and you should do the same. Show him that you are more than willing to try it his way and in the meantime try to figure out why he lost his spark in you.

Answer 2

I think some marriage counseling may help. You both need to find out exactly what the problem is that has caused this to come up. Could be too that some younger woman has come and he really does love you but is entangled with her and confused. This may not be the case but it is a possibility. I think it is time that you two sat and thought of what it is that made you love each other to begin with and try to go back to that time so to speak to reclaim what you two love in each other. I do think he loves you and he just has the seven year itch.( seven year itch seems to be that about 7 years or so into the marriage some guys get either bored or worried that they are missing something and stray) See if you can find a babysitter and you two get off somewhere for a weekend somewhere. It does not have to be expensive as long as you have some quality time together. I hope things work out.

Answer 3

I am fully convinced there comes a time in all marriages when you look across the table and say.. " Why did I marry that person, or what am I married?" I think, as relationships change, grow, become habit, etc etc. we all at some times have some doubts and fears.. The test is what do you do about it. You can give in to the fears or doubts and abandon the relationship or you can work on discovering what is missing, what needs to change, etc etc. I do know for a fact if you get through this moment your marriage can be stronger. I would suggest you find a good marriage counselor, one that specializes in saving marriages not approving and justifying devorce. If you are Christian I would recommend a good pastor. But you need to be open and honest with your husband and he you about thoughts and feelings but also a firm commitment that you are not going to give in and give up.

Answer 4

Damn. I'm sure sorry to hear you're going through that. As much as it sucks for you, it's even worse for the kids to be deprived of a daddy. All I can say is to get marital counseling to see if there really is a chance to save your marriage. He's obviously conflicted, which is still positive.

OK... commenting further on some of your clarifications. It's very hard, but try to be strong and don't cry in front of him. It might be that he's toying with your emotions a little bit to see what kind of reaction he gets. Want to know what would really throw him for a loop? Smile at him, give him a kiss on the forehead and say:

"You know what, dear? We've made a life together and I'm pretty happy with it... If you're not, I'm sorry you feel that way, but you need to decide what you're going to do, and soon. Until then, we can't be intimate anymore because I only share my body with someone who loves me and is committed to me. If you leave, it will hurt, but I've been a single mom before and I'm not afraid of being one again."

Good luck to you, sweety.

Answer 5

Tell him that you love him and if he really doesn't love you that he should leave you in your tears immediately and let you come to terms with yourself. If he does love you at all than he will either be himself and take one day at a time or leave if he really has some flaw keeping him from cherishing every precious moment with you. Regardless of what anyone says you are beautiful and you can either be happy w/ mutual love and respect w/ your husband or find that one day You may marry someone more of
a caring and attentive lover that comes to you with nothing to offer but his love and make your life more memories to embrace
and treat you like a person and see you as though a strong women one he would protect with his life and give with his whole heart. Remember though divorce would be hard on the kids it will be harder if you prolong it especially with a huge custody battle.

Answer 6

In all honesty, I couldn't tell you what is exactly going on with him, but it may not even be you. Sometimes when people are depressed they tend to blame it on people or things that are in their lives because they do not know how to make sense of the unhappy feelings. Does that make any sense? His behavior after he told you that he was no longer happy, does not make sense at all. People also have a tendency to be depressed during the holiday seasons. Try asking him if he thinks he could be suffering from depression, if so, be willing to get help for him and you both could benefit from some counseling.

Answer 7

It sounds a little like he was trying to grab your attention especially since you said you backed off a little because you thought it was his turn. It's a dramatic way to grab it but maybe the little things he's been trying haven't been working. Set some alone time with him, like get the kids out of the house for one night and make him a nice romantic dinner and try to talk to him. Just have a nice night together.

Answer 8

Glad you mentioned the weight loss....of course, now it all becomes clear. He is freaking because of this new, confident woman who no longer initiates affection. That my dear is not your problem, that is his problem.

To threaten to end the marriage because you are more confidant and lost weight is pathetic....put this to him and tell him he is a fool and may very well have ruined a good thing cause of his stupidity....he will never do it again...call his bluff.

Answer 9

thats pretty difficult...
what are the chances that he was seeing someone else and he was disappointed or rejected by them, then changed his mind about you? who honestly tells when they have cheated unless they are cornerd or caught red handed? he cant play with your emotions like that... one minute he feels like this, the next something else. it could be guilt and you dont need to be his pacifier when he is in confusion. yes as a wife there are crtain things you can see your man through, but this? no... you can give all of yourself if only you know how to love yourself first unconditionally.

hope this gets sorted... tons of luck.

Answer 10

He still has those feelings, he's just hiding them because of doubt of the unknown future. Now is the chance to make your marriage work if that is your wish. Talk about counselling and working on your problems, because once the decision to leave is made, it's harder to go back.