why doesnt my son understand when he has done soemthing wrong?

Question

My son ( who will be 3 in february ) doesnt understand when he has done something worng, like the other day he coloured all over the carpet with a permanent marker and when I went to see it he was all excited telling me how he made me a picture . . . . and even after I had him sit on time out and I told him that what he had done was wrong he was still excited that he had coloured a picture and he had no remorse . . . . . and then yesterday he pooed in his underware (hes been fully potty trained for almost a year) and he thought he had done something good . . . even after I explained to him that it was wrong he still thought it was a good thing and he wanted to call his nana and tell her about it . . . . . .

My son is very smart for his age but for some reason he doesnt understand when he has done something wrong . . . can someone please tell me why and perhaps how to explain it too him cause I have tried everything I can think of

Answer 1

He's still too young to fully understand what right and wrong are. Now is the time when you have to teach him this. When he colored on the carpet, he didn't do it to ruin the carpet. He did it to draw you a picture because he loves you and needs desperately for you to love him and to show your approval. It's not enough at this age to say it. You have to prove it to them. He absolutely should have gotten in trouble for the carpet incident, but you have to start giving him alternative solutions. Tell him it's not o.k. to color on the carpet. (Then get rid of the permanent markers. They make washable ones for a reason!) Tell him that his picture was beautiful, but it broke your carpet (They understand broke at this age, not ruined, spoiled, etc.) Tell him to ask you for paper next time and you will give it to him. Tell him it's only o.k. to color on paper and not on anything else. Only the paper you give him. Then he can still be creative without destroying something. Children don't know it's not o.k. to do something until you tell them specifically that it's not o.k. If it's o.k. to cut paper with scissors, then they think it's o.k. to cut anything. My son cut his bed sheets. He was just practicing something new. My daughter cut a chunk of her hair. Other people can do it. She wanted to know if she could too. It's a natural reaction. If he didn't behave this way at his age, then I'd worry that something was wrong. Put up things like, markers, crayons, pens, scissors, etc. out of his reach. Make him ask permission to use them. Then he will begin to understand that these items have specific uses at specific times. It will also help to prepare him for school. How many notes do think you are going to get from the teacher because your child continually helps himself to whatever he wants whenever he wants instead of asking for permission? They need to know their are boundaries.
As for the poopoo incident, this too is a normal thing. He is testing you and himself. He knows he has control over his bowel movements. It's probably the only thing in his life that he has complete control over. You can't make him go. No one can. Only he can make that happen. It's a power trip. Try giving him more choices. Tell him that since he is a big boy now that goes potty, can eat all by himself, etc. that he gets to help you make decisions. Give him small choices like... "Do you want to wear the shirt with the puppies on it or the one with the trucks on it today?" "Do you want cereal for breakfast or oatmeal?" "Do you want juice or milk?" When he realizes he has choices and some control, he will not revert back to doing things like pooping his pants. Make sure you tell him what a big boy he is and how proud you are of him when he does "big boy" things. If he slips, remind him that he is a big boy now and big boys don't do that and that if he wants to get to do big boy things then he can't do that anymore.
It will work out. Just try to be patient with him.

Answer 2

Well usually kids at the age of three do understand if they have done something wrong.
Now it is up to the mother or father to teach him this.
When you put him in time out do you tell him why he is being put there?Or do you just put him there not telling him why?
You have to get down to his level and let him know that what he did was wrong and that he needs to think about what he did.
After a while before getting him out of time out ask him why he is there and what he is going to do different next time.
He should be able to understand you just need to know how to talk to him.

Answer 3

it's actually normal for children in that age to behave like "What-ever they do is right"
Freud's teori about small children's behavior is like:

ca 0-1 year: The child needs the mother and it needs to be feeded by the breast to gain warmth and to be comfortable.
- if the child does not get any comfort by the mother it can end up later in life with megalomania and other mentally defects.

ca 1-3 year: The child WANTS to do everything by itself, and does not always respect the parents. This stage is where the child has to learn to things by itself (like potty training) and the child has to learn that when it's parent tells it to go to bed it has to obey. But the child still has to do things that it wants. Just tell it what no to do and make some clear limits what it can do and what it cant do.
- if the child is brought up to strickly it can end up later in life with less spontaneity than normal and it can be very shy.
- if the child is brought up without limits it can have difficulty by determine what is right and wrong. And it will have difficulty by listening to others.

ca 3-7 year: The child will be attracted to the parent of the opposit sex, and will "hate" / envy the parent of the same sex. This will change during this stage and the child will learn to be more like the parent of the same sex.
- if the child does not learn to be like the parent of the same sex like if the parent is an alcoholic (so the child cannot identify with the parent) the child can end up having trouble with deciding it's own sexuality - like homosexuals.
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Your son is clearly still in the 2nd stage, and you just have to learn hin what is right and what is wrong.
You also have to learn him that you are his mother and he has to obey you.
Dont worry it's pretty normal around children in that age to be like your son ;-)

...btw sorry for my bad english - i am from Denmark.
I hope you will be all right :)

Answer 4

The boy is three. He's still a toddler. A child at that age shouldn't have to experience harsh treatment to 'understand' what he's done 'wrong'. It seems to me that rather than explain what is undesirable, explain what is desirable behavior. Childhood should not be painful as so many posters on Yahoo seem to think. Any grown-up who talks of inflicting pain on a child to 'teach' him, should have be taken to the local penitentiary to cool his/her heels and head.

Answer 5

Maybe tell him things like "People wont like it if you do this" and "You wont be able to play with your toys if you do this", different angles.

Everytime he does something wrong you must take him an put him in a time out spot. He doesnt need to be trapped and he doesnt ever ever need to be yelled at. If he gets out of his time out area you just need to put him back without making eye contact. No matter how many times you have to put him back that shwta you need to do. When he stops trying to leave or if its been long enough you get down on his level and ask him "Do you know what you've done wrong?" and if he doesnt you need to tell him what he has done wrong and ask him if he can make sur not to do it again. If he says h'll do it again you should put him back.

Answer 6

First of all he is a child and children are trying to understand this new world they have been born into...constantly exploring and testing boundries.....Its sounds like your son has some special creative talents and they need to be released in some way.......is he in preschool??? If not I think you should consider putting him into one....sometimes other people help our children much more than we ever could....

Answer 7

Try the sticker chart, they love to learn through games. and usually when the child reverts to this kind of communication, it is emotional stress. I went through this with my autistic family members. the child tends to need one on one teaching rather often and repeated learning methods, be patient and attentive, use kind words and show love more than disapproval, the child is also testing you and the kind of boundaries you place for him/her, this gives respect for you and your teaching method which makes learning much easier for the child to understand.

Answer 8

He has no remorse because remore comes from frontal lobe development.That comes when he will be around 17, that's why you are there to be the child's conscious until he developes his own.

Answer 9

Yes, he might be a bit spoiled, sorry to say that, but most parents don't see this and do anything for their new born child (usually the first one) and kids get out of control. He might not understand yet or he might have mental retardation.

Answer 10

HE IS DOING IT FOR ATTENTION, AT THE AGE OF 3 ALL THEY WANT IS ATTENTION FROM THEIR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS SO GIVE HIM A FIRM NO AND PUT HIM IN A CORNER FOR ABOUT 15 MIN. AND TELL HIM THAT IS BAD, SOMETIMES IT WORKS AND SOMETIMES IT WILL NOT TRY IT THOUGH HE SHOULD LEARN THE MEANING OF NO.