What should I do with my husband's family? How should I react?

Question

We've been married for a year and a half now. My husband chose to marry me without asking his family basically (though I know that any guy theoretically is free to choose to be with whoever he wants) but his family is of possessive type. I am of Asian background, our meeting was like a fairy tale according to many friends, wedding was awesome, everything is perfect until my mother in law comes into the picture. She was so angry upon my husband's choice, that she felt he left her behind. She's a queen control type, she doesnt even know that her husband is seeing a psychiatrist d/t her appalling behaviour. I'm still studying in NY and my husband is working in England. So most of our times we spend living apart. Now I'm back to spend winter holiday with my husband but I noticed now that my husband is succumbing to his mum's unbelievable attitude. She calls him everyday, as early as 6am and evthg we do now, is all under the advise of his mum til he ignores evthg I say. What should I do?

Answer 1

I would suggest talking to your husband and telling him how you feel. This sort of thing can come between you and it is better to get it out in the open before it becomes too much of a problem.

Answer 2

First you must remember that the only people who matter are you and your husband and therefore you both need to come together to stand against your problem. Both of you need to come to an agreement about boundaries for your mother in law. Then maybe you should both be seeing a therapist for all and both your problems and not only his. Then find the damage it's doing to the marriage that way it's out in the open for both of you to acknowledge and be held accountable. Accept the fact that a good marriage is not without it's challenges but if each play by the rules, all issues can be dealt with with maturity and love eventually making your marriage a haven rather than a place avoided. Make sure that if you have anything that may contribute to the problems your marriage has such as low self-esteem, jealousy, insecurity or anything, be sure that you work on those issues also. My other advice is that you also try to understand (not necessarily accept) why your husband acts the way he does because that will show some compasion that will earn you brownie points from your husband. If you know in your heart that your husband loves you and right now may find it hard to make that clean break from his mother, then in due time he may wake up, take up his husband crown and treat you like a queen due to your support, patience and kindness. On the other hand if he continues to argue about his actions, makes excuses or blame you and never really grow close to you or improves...RUN!

Answer 3

I know from recent personal experience with a momma's boy that they may not be able to separate themselves entirely from their mother. Yes, a wife should always come first but I think there's a time of transition from mom control to wife control. And I don't mean control as in taking over everything. It seems, to me, like guys find it harder to work as a team in marriage when they have a dominant mother (and especially when the man has a passive personality). My own husband still doesn't get it and we're going to get counseling to help him open up.
Your husband is used to pleasing his mother and until he stands up to her and says that you are now at the top of his priority list then this will continue. Eventually it'll put a big fat wall between you. I think that if he explains that you are #1 but adds that she is still important to him and respects her then it may not be so bad. Who knows, maybe this will make your relationship with her that much better! She's most likely intimidated by you. Her way of trying to get control back is by pushing and pushing and pushing. My m-i-l freaked out because she couldn't make any of the wedding plans. My husband explained to her though that we were paying for it ourselves and we were making all the decisions. She eventually backed off. He just needs to be firm and repetitive with her. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

You need to take control hun and protect what is yours!

Tell your husband that a marriage has 2 people in it not 3. Explain how his mums interfering makes you feel and talk to him about the effect it'll have on your marriage. Sometime men are not really 'clued up' on things and don't see things the right way.......he may think his mums great for trying to help or taking an interest. you need to talk to him sooner rather than later hun.

Also maybe you should talk to his mum. Tell her how you love her son and want to make him happy but you need to be given a chance by the family to make this happen. If she loves her son she should see reason.

He needs to realise you are his main priority.

Good luck hope things work out!

Answer 5

Now it's you and you hubby who need a counselor. Newlyweds should not be spending so much time separated. In this case it has led to a possessive mother-in-laws being able to get control of her son again. He loves and respects his mother. You would not want to change that. However some boundaries need to be drawn. The Bible says "‘ ... a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’?  So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart (Matthew 19:5,6) if your hubby respects God or the Bible you could share this with him in a non-confrontational manner. You could explain to him that you feel your marriage is a sacred union of the two of you and it hurts you that he informs his mother about decisions that should be made between the two of you. Tell him that the two of you should consult on decisions and agree about seeking advice from others.

Answer 6

My Husband and I met in High School and have been together almost nine years now and married for almost four of those years. Even after this long my mother-in-law still openly admits how much she dislikes me. My husband and I have a five year old son and a three year old daughter now , so for the past five years i have taught myself to basicly just act as if she doesnt exist. That way my husband and our kids dont have to see us being ugly or hurtful to eachother. And the best thing about all of it is that after awhile my mother-in law started to back down and this Thanksgiving I finally got to beable to make dinner for my family myself. One last thing, Is your husband by any chance the youngest boy out of his siblings?

Answer 7

The problem with your mother-in-law is secondary. The primary problem is that you two are living apart, because any marriage, even a good one, will experience stress when you aren't living together. Talk to your husband, tell him that your marriage is more important than any job or college degree, and then come to a mutual decision about where you will both live together. Dealing with the mother-in-law will be much more manageable after that.

Answer 8

There's a phrase: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". What you need to do is become friends with her or at least build a bridge of tolerance.
She feels left out and there's also that old chestnut of "no-one's-good-enough-for-my-baby" attitude. (Er, that last word should be "baby but yahoo has cut it out)
If you got to know her, you would probably find that she isn't such a "Queen control type" but just an old lady who was left out of her son's marriage plans. He is her son after all.
I know it is hard but the easiest way to disarm people is to become their friend. In other words, you have to be the grown-up in this case.
Good luck.
Incidentally, if you are having problems with your mother-in-law, it is crucial that you look at yourself and face where you may have control issues. Those people who upset us the most show us where WE need to change.
Once again, good luck.

Answer 9

You are his wife, He is your husband, That is how it is.
It seems to me that you have tried to stay out of the situation and be as respectful to her and sympathetic to him as you can, but obviously he can not stand up to her by himself.
If you love this man and would want this marriage to succeed you have to assert yourself personally and without question,
First you tell him that you are his wife and you will have non of the six am call bullshit,
Second you call the Monster in law and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she does not back off you will make her life a living hell and once you have kids you will grant her zero access to them. If she does not stop harassing you tell the controlling wench that you will get a legal restraining order.
Your husband will respect you since he seems to respond to strong women and his mother will realize that you are here to stay. Lay down the law and do battle when you must, No one respects a push over and your husband also needs to continue his therapy regarding his abusive mother.
Best of luck
Irene

Answer 10

For me - it was my mum! You and your husband need to agree with each other, that you are each other's priority and that you married each other because you love and want to care for each other. Your husband needs to be the one to approach his mother about her controlling nature and firmly request some space (basically - butt out). It shouldn't come from you, as it will be seen as trying to 'split them up'. He needs to identify some ground rules - AND stick to them. Hope this is helpful - it worked for me and my husband, now he and my mum have a steady relationship - they'll never be best friends, but it's manageable.