I am so mixed up right now. I have plans to leave verbal and emotional abusive marriage(physical in the past) and I am feeling so damn nervous and scared about my future. Kids and I are going to live with my mom and house is in foreclosure. He doesn't seem to care and seems happy to get rid of me one minute then so calls loves me the next. I am so unhappy with him because he is so mean! He's like two different people. Counseling doesn't mean much to him. Didn't work. Together 13 yrs., 2 little kids(6& 4), and he hollers and calls me names and wishing me dead in front of them too. I don't know why I still care for him when he obviously has serious issues( not to mention his porn addiction and secret drinking; found liquor bottles stashed in the garage). I can't seem to please him by being a good wife. He says he can't wait to find a woman with a head on her shoulders. I feel so bad about myself I'm wondering willI be happier leaving or staying. He says no one else will want me anyway.
2006-12-12 18:10:14 · 31 answers · asked by Veronique 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
maybe hes just trying to put you down because he knows hes doing wrong.......my father used to hit my mother and yell at her when she would do nothing wrong while he stayed out all night with random women but i think u should stay with your mom and make him think that u r over him cause then hell get jealous
2006-12-12 18:16:18 · answer #1 · answered by layla 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It seems to me you basically put up with him all these years because of your kids. But besides you suffering and being unhappy, so are your kids. You need to leave him before things really get uglier than it already is.
If he is threatening you in anyway where u feel fear, go to the court and get a restraining order against him.
Its obvious you tried working it with counseling and talking to him and he's not changing. 13 years of unhappiness is too long , leave now. If he didnt change then or now he wont ever.
Its going to be tuff in the beginning, nothing is ever easy, but you will be happier, ur kids will be happier and your life will get better as days go buy. He says no one will want you because he knows that if he loses you nobody will want him. There are many good men out there, and just cuz you have kids doesnt mean u can get a good, loving, respectful man.
He's disrespecting you and degrading you as a women and as his partner. You dont want your kids to see that.
Stand your ground, ask god for guidance and you should go to counseling on your own to get the strength you will need to leave him and get your self esteem back.
By leaving the only thing u have to lose is being unhappy if u stay, god knows u can end up being hurt or worse.
Think of your kids and leave him, he's no good.I wish you luck and will send u a prayer.
2006-12-12 18:44:03 · answer #2 · answered by gonzalezleon3022 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Veronique,
I have been in the shoes that you are wearing. The first thing to remember, that will keep you from going back? Is : THEY NEVER CHANGE THEY ONLY GET WORSE. I know it's hard and if you have any other place to go without going to a home that is being foreclosed on then go to the other place. You don't need to go to a place with another set of worries. Your kids need to feel secure and you need to feel secure. If there is no other place then you have to do what is best for you and your children. Maybe you and your Mom can live together and work separate shifts to cut out daycare. You WILL get your self confidence back when you have the world lifted off your shoulders. It will also make your children stronger and enforce in them that the way their father is acting is not acceptable. You don't want your kids growing up to be abusers or ones that think that it the way it is supposed to be, because Mom and Dad lived like that.
Don't go back once you leave. You or the kids could get hurt or worse end up dead. Veronique, if I did it...I KNOW you can. Then try to seek some family counseling for you and the kids.
Good Luck to you...it's time to exhale!!
2006-12-12 18:42:06 · answer #3 · answered by luckygecko1231 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's an insecure manboy. Get out while the gettins good. Worry about housing later. No state agency will allow an abused mother of two to live on the street. I've been through your situation before, although I have no kids. I've learned through counseling the reason we stay. Hope is the reason. We constantly hope that they will change and the behavior will stop. Neither will, ever. You will find happiness and you will find independence. You'll find a new person to share your life with, too. But, in order to do this, you must be a new person. Every day look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are wonderful and beautiful and you deserve the best. It's called thinking positive and it works. Your relationship right now is not healthy and potentially dangerous. Save yourself, Darlin', before something really bad happens to you or your kids. Good luck to you my dear.
2006-12-12 18:22:12 · answer #4 · answered by queensassey 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to leave as i dont think he will ever change treating you that way and trust me, you deserve so much better. No one ever has to stay in a marraige if your husband beats you and treats you that way. It is not a marraige if so. I was in the same situation as you few years back and i can understand what you must be going through and it must be more harder with children being in the picture. Just ask yourself do you really want your kids to grow up in such an environment with him treating you like that?? No, you would'nt want that and you know that.Only losers would ever say that no one else would want you. It is an abuser's behaviour and does'nt mean it is your mistake. If you leave him i assure you it will get so much better in time, it may take a few months for it to be all fine but you will get there and it will be all worth it. I am sure you will make the choice that is right for you and in time we will see you happy and enjoying each day with your kids and (any special someone by that time) and people will look up to you and be proud of you for being a joyful expression of life itself :)
Good Luck!!! I shall pray for you.
2006-12-13 04:54:39 · answer #5 · answered by GUESS GIRL 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a beautiful desirable woman. How do I know that? You stuck by his side for 13 years through abuse and good times. You have tried to save you marriage which shows good character. Now you have the strength to leave an abusive marriage that is not going to get better. A round of Applause please. Warning for you though. Leaving and staying gone could very well be the hardest thing you will ever do, at first. After time you will be amazed at how happy you will be. And your children will have the mother that they deserve. You may want to seek counseling and have plenty of supportive relatives close by. I am so excited for you for leaving. You GO Girl!
2006-12-12 18:37:26 · answer #6 · answered by Wenz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get out of this relationship ASAP!!....It WILL NOT get any better.....I believe that's part of why you are so nervous. It will hurt in the beginning, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get a better life with someone who will love and cherish you AND your children. This is not a good environment for them either. If he can't see he already has a good woman with a head on her shoulders....who takes care of him, the children and the home life of the family, he never will. Many men use these things to feel powerful and "control" a woman...when in fact, they can do a lot better when not being emotional about the time spent together...and thinking about the kids...keeping the family unit together ect. I could share so many stories......
When I was young, my mom and step-dad went thru this. If you want someone to talk to.....or just someone to listen...you can email or IM me, I am on line almost every night. Take care and keep your chin up!!
2006-12-12 18:29:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. It is not you that is a bad wife, it is him that is a bad husband.
2. No one mother and father should ever put down the other in front of the children
3. You have every right to feel the way you do
You need to get away from him. He may say he loves you but he is not stable. Face it, you need to be strong for your children.
It seems your mother is willing to take you in. I would take it...for your children, her grandchildren
Bull!! Men want strong emotional stable woman..He is saying that no one will want you because he is torn. I bet you will find someone
My ex said the same thing..13 years ago..I have remarried and and for 11 years and happier..
You will be MUCH HAPPIER if you leave..better mentally for you and your children..I have been there...
2006-12-12 18:26:00 · answer #8 · answered by giveu2tictacs 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that last statement he made was just his way of saying don't leave me. he knows that u can find someone else but he doesn't want u to. u need to go b4 u end up dead. no one should have to go through what u do. it take a real woman to take it but it take a bigger woman to know when to leave. u have kids that are watching this. leave for the kids and their future. they might think it's ok to do things like that, because they are still learning how people act at that age and they are taking it in. trust me will not feel miserable leaving. u need to show him u can make on you own, raise kids, and find someone else. he is not irreplaceable. 13 years is along time. i think the only reason u still love him is because u think he can change. he will never change if u are still with him. show him that u don't have to put up with his bull. please leave b4 something happens and don't give in to the temptations of going back to him or if he said he changed. no one changes fast. don't be alone with him far from help. good luck and god bless you. i will prey
2006-12-12 18:30:16 · answer #9 · answered by nates_baby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Emotionally/mentally you are a mirror of your abuser's abuse.
You have to shatter that mirror.
You have to stop thinking and feeling, reacting, thinking and feeling and just shut down. One day at a time. Don't look forward or backward. You are on survival mode - living for today. You just have to get through today. No thinking, feeling, reacting to yesterday. No thinking, worrying, feeling about tomorrow. Today you have a plan and will be safe - that is all you have to think about. You are stronger than you know. You wrote this question - you're reading this answer. You have a plan. You are wonderful and special and you are not alone. You have the whole world at your disposal and all you have to do is reach out past that storm your husband created. Reach out and go. Fear lives where he is. Go.
2006-12-12 19:30:26 · answer #10 · answered by Quest 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is saying all the classic things abusers say. It's totally normal in your situation to be nervous, scared, second-guessing, all of that. But do not listen to him, or to that little voice inside that tries to keep you in his cage. You are worth more than this. Your kids deserve to see their mother be strong and show them that they don't need to stay with someone who is mean. Leaving means your children won't grow up thinking this mess is what a marriage is supposed to be like.
Contact a local women's shelter or the United Way office to find a counselor who specializes in helping abused women move on and heal. And whatever you do, do NOT go back to him, no matter how much he pours on the sugar. He will not change, unless it is to get worse. Good luck, you can do this!
2006-12-12 18:18:29 · answer #11 · answered by SLWrites 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋