Need some marital advice.....?

Question

I am a stay-at-home-mom with 2 kids, 2 and 5 months, and my husband works anywhere from 10 to 16 hours days, 7 days a week- the overtime is mandatory. The last time he had a weekend off, he had the flu. He also has an hour commute each way, so we rarely see each other. He doesn't have a designated lunch time, which is, at most 30 minutes- shorter if needed be. (He's in construction.) Lately, I feel I'm at my wits end. I am raising 2 kids by myself, taking care of the house, and am responsible for fixing (or having it fixed) things that break. I am breastfeeding my daughter, and she still wakes up throughout the night so I am tired much of the day. I have also gained a lot of weight since her birth and have constant back pains. My 2 year-old son is being potty-trained, but it's becoming diffucult because he has encopresis (severe constipation) and is on prescriptiion laxatives. Sometimes he refuses to go #2 unless he's wearing a diaper (like during his nap or at night.).......

So I'm getting off track here.... but my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. Pretty bad fights, although I'm sure it's really about the amount of time we see each other. I can't imagine being him, and working a physical job all day and never getting to see his kids (They're in bed before he gets home most days,) and having no time for himself really.

We have no time for each other. If we want to have sex, which is an amazing 3 times a week, it's really wham bam thank-you mam sort of thing. It really lacks intimacy and I'm quite lonely, and there is NO time to make up for it. It's really wearing me down, as I'm sure it is him too. Any suggestions on how to work through this?? Does everyone go through this and maybe I should quit whining?

There is no time to go out. Even 12 hours (average day for him) plus 2 hours driving time means only 10 hours for sleep, showering, eating dinner, etc. I also can't get a babysitter because my daughter is breastfed and wants absolutely nothing to do with a bottle- believe me, I've tried!!! Besides, we're both exhausted.

We just separated from the marine corps and just moved back to our home state and everyone we did know 4 years ago has moved.

It seems every time I try to take a step forward, I'm kicked back furiously.

Answer 1

You have "tough duty", as they say in the service. Is your husband's construction work seasonal? With these hours he should be making enough money to take some "down time" eventually?
I am wondering---as a La Leche mother who breast fed all four of my children for many months---if maybe your back pains are caused by lack of a supportive nursing bra? It might be good to get a bra with stronger support. I converted my underwire Balis into nursing bras and it really did the trick for back pain. I know you are concerned about your weight gain, but if you are eating well, and not overeating, your weight will go down gradually, especially if you are nursing.
You might ask your doctor or your pediatrician if there is a La Leche group in your area. If there is, that is a great place to find friends who are in the same phase of life and share your joys and problems.
Prescription laxatives for a toddler during toilet training? Well, it might be better to feed him prunes, prune juice, lots of oatmeal, veggies and other things to loosen his bowels naturally. If that doesn't work, could you possibly postpone the toilet training till the encopresis subsides?
As Ann Landers used to write, "tell your husband what you have told us." But, approach it first by counting your blessings, telling him how lucky you are to have a guy who works so hard to support you, and how lucky you both are to have two fine children. Then, detail the concerns you have written about. Tell him you need some tender romance, some intimacy, and more time with him. Together you can explore other ways of dealing with work and money issues. You CAN work this out. Things WILL get better. Best of luck!

Answer 2

Something has to change for you and your husband. I'm not saying break up - that should be an absolute last option - but your husband needs to consider the time he is sacrificing with his family at work, and you need to consider getting help with the children and house. Your husband and yourself are in a high stress situation, and it does your family no good if either or both of you have a breakdown.

Do you have friends and family nearby that can help? You may feel that asking for help makes you look like a bad parent (YOU'RE NOT!), but a regular visit from friends and family members will give you a break from what is effectively a 24 hour a day job. People close to you can also help in getting you out and about - extra hands are always good when talking the munchkins walkabout.

Can your husband cut back (temporarily?) on his work hours and spend more quality time at home? This way, time can be managed to help around the house, and to give you time together as a family and as a couple. While his work schedule may be designed to create a maximum income, NO money will replace time spent raising your family. Both you and your husband need to have time together.

These are only basic suggestions, and detailed solutions can be tailored for your specific situation. I would suggest you make the time to seek professional help too - a family doctor, family counselling, maternal health care - and let them point you toward any assistance.

(The toilet training is a little easier, and an extra hand will help there too. Try taking the nappy/diaper off, and letting your son walk around bare butt. Keep his fluids up - lots of water - and don't make a big deal out of 'accidents'. Eventually, he'll feel uncomfortable enough with wetting and soiling himself that the potty sounds like a good option. When he does use the potty, praise him, and reinforce what a good thing it is. (Hell, consider bribery if you think it will get the ball rolling.) Sooner or later, as long as you're consistent, it'll work itself out...)

Answer 3

You have created a situation where you don't see each other enough and this doesn't give you any time to grow together as a couple building your marriage and your family. Instead, it seems each one of you builds his life and expectations separately. Because of this you have become two individuals that share a house and a child, but neither a bed nor a dream.

By this we mean that you do not have any physical or emotional intimacy together which makes it impossible for both of you to be satisfied in your family life.

Without this intimacy you will grow even further apart. You may still find a way to enjoy life and do things that satisfy you when you are on your own, but you will not be able to build any intimacy with your husband and you will continue to grow further apart.

If you want to save this marriage, what we suggest is that you find the time to reconnect with your husband. Convince him that you need to get together again. You both need to know each other anew, as both of you have changed and you have lost touch with each other.

You need to take time to do things together like going out on evenings, taking a vacation together, and spending time doing something you both enjoy. You must talk together, listen to each other, and learn again about one another.

Answer 4

Often, "Married" questions are rather "People" questions. Its approximately how 2 PEOPLE can get alongside, it is simply twist of fate that they're married. So recommendation on how you can concentrate, from the center, how no longer to pass judgement on, how to not soar to conclusions to "details" that would have yet another interpretation, are all legitimate matters that an UNmarried character can carry to the desk. There IS an afternoon-in-day-out detail to marriage that's distinctive from traditional interplay, however permit's be sincere: we on the whole spend extra mindful hours with our coworkers than we do with our spouses. The enormous matters that the "Married" size provides is intercourse, and youngsters. These days, intercourse is not totally within the realm of marriage, so an UNmarried can possibly be simply as a lot of an "trained" as any individual. Kids are youngsters, and whilst you're extra emotional approximately your possess, that cuts 2 methods - having your possess on the whole clouds your judgment. As lengthy as you realize from near enjoy what youngsters are like, the well and the evil, then that is no longer a difficulty both. So by means of all manner, contriubute. Your voice is welcome. õ¿õ­ P.S. As a ways as I'm worried, you ARE married. In older instances, you might be, by means of Common Law. I've continuously felt that there are three marriages: A) Marriage of the Heart - in which 2 persons make a dedication to one another. B) Marriage of the Law - in which the State says what rights you could have and would not have. C) Marriage of the Spirit - in which you partake in something devout ritual you suppose is vital. Some couples have just one (regularly simplest A, however frequently simplest B) Some couples have simplest 2. Others all three. I have not visible in which having a million or two or three makes all that a lot change within the longevitiy of the connection.

Answer 5

Well remember your second baby is only two months old, last time you did not have to worry about another child along with this one, so that is adding more stress to your everyday life-

To ease a little more stress, do no pressure your two year old so much about potty training, if he feels more comfortable going poo in his diaper, let him- I let my daughter wear diapers until she was 3 1/2 but when it came time for her to potty train it was her idea, and she was ready, took a whole two weeks, now she doesn't pee or poo in her underwear and wakes up in the middle of the night to go potty- no effort on my part- oh yes the reason he likes going in his diaper at nap and night time is because he is relaxed and does not hurt as much, my son does the same thing- 2 1/2 and he likes to go pee in the potty, once in a great while, but still prefers diapers.

With your husband, talk to him about the time crunch- is it really that necessary for him to work so many hours? is there any way some one else can take some of the responsibility off of his shoulders? Is he doing it because of your bills or because hes the foreman? the time seems to be the biggest problem, work on that and a lot of your stress and bad feelings will start to work themselves out.

Answer 6

I believe your husband is working 10-16 hours a day,7 days a week so that you can be a stay at home mom.He really can not control company policy.When it comes to the hours.He has to work/lunch breaks he is given.I am sure he is not any happier about it then you are.He gets up everyday.He goes to work to provide for you and your children because that is.How much he loves you and your children?While he is at work.You take care of the house.You take care of the children.You make sure the things that need to be done/get done.Because that is .How much you love your husband and your children?It sounds to me like the two of you are working together to raise your family.even though it may not feel that way to you at times.You both sound very responsible and family oriented.It sounds like the two of you are wiped out at the end of the day from working to hard.Your upset because he is not there to help you more with the kids.He is upset because he is working so that you can stay home with the kids.Maybe you should try compromising.You get a job to help out with the finances.He will find a job closer to home with less hours so that way.The two of you can spend more time with each other/spend more time together with the children

Answer 7

Dear Punchy, you have my prayers. You have a life filled with challenges. You have no control over most things...but you do have control over how you choose to deal with them. Life is whatever it is. I know this isn't much comfort but, hey, that's just the way it is. All you can do is decide how you're going to deal with it. It's easy for me to say to lose weight, learn to meditate and get more sleep, give your kids lots and lots of love and your husband too. Trouble is, I'm not the one going through what your are. So, set an intention to greet each day as a new opportunity to practice patience, loving care with your children and yourself, and honor yourself. Take time for you. You are, after all, the most important person you know. Honor yourself. You have accomplished some great things...and continue to accomplish fantastic things every day. Celebrate your own greatness. Enjoy your opportunities and set an intention to love your life as it is. Merry Christmas.

Answer 8

My heart goes out to you, its a shame what we have to go thru to try to make a living these days. Do you have any family that could come in for a few hours and maybe give you a break? If not maybe a close friend that you trust. I know that you are ready to pull youre hair out roots and all , but hang in there things surely will get better. Don't see how they can get any worse? Right.

Answer 9

I imagine that with all that work your spouse is bringing home some reasonably decent money, so you could consider hiring some help from time to time to shovel out the house. But I think he needs to look for a different job which is not quite so demanding of his time. He doesn't have a life, and neither do you.

Answer 10

It is OK. Your husband is working hard to earn for you and kids and you are working hard to maintain the house and kids. After 2 /3 years you will feel better when the kids grow older. Some people have more serious problems with children. Your problems are not beyond your control. Pray if you believe in god. It gives mental peace and strength. For gods sake dont fight with your husband when he is back from work. Lastly try to lose weight. It is very important. Keep lying down in between work to ease your back.