I have been married for 23yrs.I found out 3yrs ago thah my wife had a 2yr affair.I trusted her more than any thing in the world.Well she lied saying that they were just frinds,well it only happend 1 time,to the motel,s for 2 yrs.I want to make it work but how do I learn to live with thoes memories and learn to trust again?
2006-12-12 16:46:53 · 21 answers · asked by hardcopy_hrdcopy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Here is what you do...TALK ABOUT IT. If you love her and do not want to leave her then make it work, cheating is not going to help. It will only make it worst and you can forgive but not forget. But if you make it work you can not throw it in her face because that means you do not forgive her and taking her back means forgiving her. Secondly you need to let her know you have to rebuild her trust. Her are a few tips:
Communicate even if it results in an argument. Choose a private place and a time when you can discuss your issues without interruptions.
Outlaw any name calling, references to past history, and cheap shots during the argument. Stick to the issue at hand.
Listen to your spouse attentively without interruption. Pay attention to the emotions that lie behind the words and body language. Do not try to change those feelings or offer solutions, just validate them by listening.
Good luck
2006-12-12 16:59:36 · answer #1 · answered by Caleema L 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there and trying to make it work didn`t work in my case. The best thing you can do is take a break from each other soo this way you can clear your head and give her a chance to miss you also. Sometimes taking a break clearing your mind helps alot and gives you some answers your looking for. There is no excuse for cheating and once they do it chances are they will do it again so beware this happen to me twice. Both times we were working things out then I walked in on it and the 2nd oone I found a 6 page love letter she had written him. Take some time and clear your head. Go somewhere so you have no contact with her and don`t let her know nothing about what your doing. Don`t even tell her your doing this or even thinking about it. Just go and come back a couple of days later and let her see what it feels like when you don`t have respect for your weddding vowels. I left and didn`t look back the 2nd time around and now she regrets it. You might find that you don`t want to work it out and move on with your life but if there is a chance it`s worth trying. The bad thing is that you will always feel somethings going on if she is running late getting home or you can`t seem to get in touch with her when you call. It`s a bad feeling and something I could not get over so I left and didn`t give her a 2nd chance to do it again, No excuse for cheating in my book and I won`t let it happen to me again. A fling sometimes happens and some people can over look that and move on but 2 years I don`t think I give her a 2nd chance. I would try leaving without telling her anything and disappear for a few days to a week and then just show back up. Make her wonder for a while and think about what she did. GOOD LUCK!!
2006-12-12 17:15:29 · answer #2 · answered by bren_jim 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love her, try to give it a chance. Counseling would definitely help. Don't know all the details, but I was cheated on many times and everytime he swore it would never happen again, of course it did. This went on for 21 years. He'd tell me that it had nothing to do with me that it was him that had the problem, but he always wanted to work things out.
Finally I started cheating and left him. He was sick and still after being divorced for 6 years, he still cannot stay faithful to anyone.
If your wife only cheated on you once in 20 years there is a chance. Were you at fault to a point? Was she getting enough attention from you? I'm not trying to blame you. But if she's willing to work it out, please try.
It's hard to ever get trust back and forget what happened. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but a 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. was just stupid on my part.
Life can really never truly be the same, but maybe if you both really love each other, you won't take each other for granted and things can be better.
2006-12-12 17:04:38 · answer #3 · answered by Karen H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate cheaters~! well i was one myself-- was one-- only time can tell-- she has to change her ways not for you only but for herself and because she wants to change. 23 yrs is a long time- she should know better than that. Trust is a big thing- never give anyone 100% of it. You have to make sure she doesnt contact that person again-- because if she does it will never stop. I do believe in second chances but thats it. I have also been lied to and cheated on and its not a good feeling- I still live with those memories but am trying to build new memories so I can forget about the past
2006-12-12 16:51:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't! Just let her go coz most likely she will cheat again. How can a forty yr old woman cheat on you(You've been married 23 yrs and if you were married when you were 20 then you're 43 right?) I can imagine 20 /30 yr olds getting tempted but man she's a grandma.
It happened only 1 time in 2 years? That would hurt! They wweere at it for2 years straight.It must be very dry now ha?LOL
2006-12-12 16:58:17 · answer #5 · answered by wolfass 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I admire you for wanting to make it work. Yes sometimes people make mistakes and actually learn from them. 2 years is a long time to have an affair. Anyway, start your relationship out new. Ask her out again, rekindle the romance. Act like u are in high school. Its be good for her and it'll be good for you. Life is really too short to dwell on the past. Don't sacrifice your future because of the past that has already gone by.
2006-12-12 16:54:50 · answer #6 · answered by Nats 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As they say, you can forgive but its hard to forget.... Its hard, i know but if you trully love your wife then you'll focus more on other things and just forget about the past.... Its difficult to mend a broken trust but i think through time, it will be mended, plus of course your determination to stop reminding your self about that past.... You can also move to a different place where you can start all over again... erase the bad memories and start a new life with your wife and kids if you have any...
Lastly, pray... prayer is very powerful, especially when you have faith in Him!
2006-12-12 16:54:41 · answer #7 · answered by Ms. know-it-all 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
once a cheater always a cheater- she needs counciling. Plus if she cheated before and you didnt notice- how would you ever notice if she does it again, why did she feel unsatisfied enough to go to another man rather then to you- the one she loves and spends her entire life with. Is that the kind of partner you want? Someone you cant trust to come to you and work problems out. Why did she turn to another. Its something you and her would have to work out, but if i was you i would teach her a lesson- i would leave her for a seperation period. Dont let her think what she did is acceptable because it wasnt.,
2006-12-12 16:51:08 · answer #8 · answered by cats4ever2k1 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you can not truly forgive her and get past it with trust building more and more daily then it would be better for both of you to get out of the marrage. Beside, it becomes even easier to cheat after the first time.
2006-12-13 06:23:38 · answer #9 · answered by Just Me 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if you ever learn to trust in a cheating spouse again. Mostly you have to ask yourself if you can live with yourself and treat her without suspicion every time she leaves the house.
2006-12-12 16:52:56 · answer #10 · answered by heartminder2002 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋