my marriage is falling apart.... how do you know if you should keep trying to make it work?

Question

I have been married for almost three years now. we rushed into marriage, it was rocky from the start. gradually our relationship became worse and worse. about a year ago i found myself doing something i never thought i would do, i became involved with a married man, secretly of course. the affair is just a companionship, there is no plans for a future, we enjoy each others company and other things. i feel like if i were in love with my husband would i have strayed? i am very angry at my husband because for the first couple years of our relationship he was a very mean, verbally abusive person. now he has changed and i am still bitter. i wonder if i didnt have this other person in my life if i'd be more inclined to try and work on my marriage? or has there just been too much damage it will never work out? worse, my husband feels guilty for my bitterness, which IS some his fault.. but inside i have my own secret that is eating me up. help, am i blind? is this fixable? or time to move on?

here is more... we cant even communicate with each other anymore without fighting. mostly because i am so angry with him all the time. i hate that i am feeling this way towards him. we talk about divorce all the time but he always says no, and that he remembers the old me and that he wants her back. i want the old me back too but i dont know if she is there anymore... at least with my husband. i often feel like too many fights arguments, hurtful things have been said. and i wonder if HE really wants to stay in this or is it just a fantasy that it will work out? as far as my affair goes, it ends if i become divorced. which i might have a hard time with because i feel like he has been my source of sanity over the last year.. or is he the source of insanity.. i am confused. i will never tell my husband about this, i dont see the point in hurting him. but do i wash my hands clean of my marriage and start fresh or so i stick it out and hope that the anger goes away and the love comes back?

Answer 1

I feel really bad for you. Getting involved with someone else has complicated your feelings.

If your marriage means anything to you, stop the affair and seek counseling.

God bless.

Answer 2

In order for your marriage to work u need to deal with his past abuse.Even though he has changed the scars are still there.They are not visible but unfortunately the mind cannot be erased.I recommend praying asking God to give u the ability to forgive him for the abuse.U have to forgive your husband if u want God to forgive u.U say this other guy is just for companionship so I am sure u discuss your marital problems with him.Do not allow him to embed negative thought into your head.Everyone deserves a second chance so u need to let the outside relationship go.He is married anyway and u both agreed to no strings attached.The relationship u have with him try it with your husband.Become your husbands friend.He did not change for himself so he must love u.Do something difficult and explain the other man to him.U said it was innocent so u need to go from there.I hope your husband understands the other man because when we are being abused whether mental or physical sometimes we need someone to talk to.man or woman.u seem to be a decent person.If u weren't you would have given up on the marriage a long time ago.We all run into a wall and need someone to talk to.Forgive yourself for having an emotional relationship with another man and I hope your husband forgives u as well.

Answer 3

If you have any thoughts of saving the marriage you need to end the affair. You need to seek marriage counseling together. You need to come clean about your affair. Believe it or not it can make your marriage stronger. You need to come clean and he needs to accept it and forgive. This does not mean forget it, just forgive you. Counseling is needed to rebuild the relationship. It is well worth it if the two of you love each other. It can make amazing changes in your relationship. But coming clean does involve risks, such as him not forgiving you.

As far as it being fixable, yes it is if you both love each other. If not, end it.

Counseling is the way to go if you ask me. Marriage counseling can really help find the love that has gotten lost and teach to two of you to build a stronger, healthier more compassionate and honest relationship.

Answer 4

is this affair phsical? or social? I have a neighbor friend who is female that I get along with very well just because she and I clicked somehow about 3 years ago. Both our spouses are so into themselves and their jobs that they crap on us. I see no problem having a friend. If it was a woman would people be saying get a divorce? No. Once you make it physical though, its a different story.
Look if you arent getting the communication with the hubby, whats wrong with bs-ing with whoever, man or woman.

Answer 5

If you are not happy remove yourself from the situation. If you cant move on from the past and move forward in your life with your husband then you are staying for all the wrong reasons.

A good relationship comes with communicating, honesty, sincerity, love, devotion and truth, but be true to yourself, you already have made the decision in your heart you already no the answer you don't need a forum to tell you, you just need to be honest with yourself and look inside yourself and the answer is right there!

Answer 6

You've got yourself into a tough position. You might want to ask what is important to you? You have a marriage that you know you can make work...if you're willing to work at it. You've got a relationship with another married man (what is this relationship doing to his marriage?) that you consider temporary. You're not happy with yourself and the way you've been acting. Let's start with you. Honor yourself. Clean up your act and start performing the way you know you should be performing in your marriage. If you can't find it in yourself to do that, then get out of the marriage...because you're not honoring yourself by staying. If you decide to stay, make a positive intention to work hard at making your marriage work. With all this means. If you decide to go, then look to yourself and learn to love yourself. You will find another man when you're ready. But be honest with yourself.

Answer 7

You can't make anyone love you and nobody can make you happy. Whew, is that ever hard to buy. I can already hear the screams of protest: "What do you mean you can't get anyone to love you? What a depressing thought! You mean there's nothing I can do to get my wife to love me? What are you saying? There's no love in a marriage? If so, why get involved with someone if they can't make you happy! Why are you telling us this depressing garbage?"

Well, the truth of the matter is, it's not depressing; it's liberating! Here's how:

First of all, we've all been hypnotized into believing that our true love will heal all hurts. All we need to do is find our handsome and brave Prince Charming or our beautiful and compassionate Snow White and magically all pain will disappear. Our perfect love will know how to give to us unconditionally; will be devoted to making us happy and will anticipate and meet every one of our needs and wants. Our perfect love will heal all our hurts and will be infinitely patient with every one of our shortcomings. This compassionate and giving spirit will have one goal in life: To give endlessly to make us gloriously happy

Answer 8

the first thing you need to do is end the affair make a choice to do things right and ask your if you really want to be with your husband, everyone makes mistakes were human and if hes man enough to chance and accept the consequences for his actions then you should put some effort and let go of the anger because its a choice, 90% of any problem is how we react to it
good luck

Answer 9

common there may be so many differences in husband and wife and solution for that getting involved with someone is bad.
Leave all the bullshit wih that man and take care of ur hubby. Love him more you will get love .
ok - And more over if u like that person there may be so many things which u wud come to know after u get more invloved with him that u dont like at all.

So common go to Church or what ever u worship , take deep breath and promise to r self that i have to make my home with abundance of love.
God Bless

Manu

Answer 10

You are lucky so far as your husband did not find out that you are cheating. If you want to be honest you should move on. Both of you will get a better partners in life. You should not continue cheating him. Ask this friend of yours whether he will marry you after your divorce. If he is just having fun with you he is not worth your friendship. It seems you dont have kids. That is a blessing.