How do you get over your wife at heart passing away?

Question

My late spouse passed almost 3 years ago of a brain tumor. My family are interstate and I have never built a network of friends.

I have since married and now have a 7 month daughter. I was desperate to move forward with my life. I am sure I rushed at this.

I cannot speak of this to my wife, we have spoken in the past about it, but all it does is end up hurting her. You cannot compete with someone that is no longer present and in someone's fantasy.

I still have her ashes in the garage, and obviously ignoring this does not make it fade away. I am unsure if I love my current wife, but I want to do the best for my daughter.

I still feel guilty and angry about her passing. She was such a greater person than me, and if I had a choice I would have died for her. All I can do about my anger is rationalize it, as no one was to blame, it never gets directed anywhere.

I don't know what to do

I have been staying later at work avoiding my wife about this for the last few weeks.

Answer 1

It would be helpful if you could see a counselor regularly. You need someone to process your grief with, and I agree that you cannot do this with your wife without causing pain. You probably did rush in because you were sad and lonely. You can't undo your daughter, so for her sake, see if you cannot work through your grief and salvage your marriage.

Also, a grief support group would be beneficial to you. Hospitals usually have lists of available groups.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

Wow, that is really tough. I know how it feels to loose someone you love, so know that I am praying for you. I don't know if any of the ideas I give you will help, but I hope that they do. Maybe having her ashes in the garage isn't the best idea. Seeing it is a constant reminder to you of her and it only makes you angry. She would not have wanted that for you. I think it's time to let go and start letting the healing in. Did you and her have a favorite spot you used to go to together? Maybe it would be where you 'popped' the question and she accepted. Wherever it is, take her ashes there and spread them across the place. I know it is hard to let go, but holding on to her like that will only destroy you. She will always be in your heart. If you are persistant and determined you will soon begin to love your new family more and more. Your new wife is not replacing her. Maybe you did rush things, but hopefully you've learned from that and you won't rush things again. Doing what is best for your daughter will also be the best for you and your wife. Stay together and learn to love again. If you divorce, it will only be another burden to you and your daughter. Trust me, I know. My dad left our family five years ago and I've been miserable ever since. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing that he won't be there in the morning to hug me and say he loves me. It hurts so bad. Letting go is hard. My heart is still trying to heal. It will take time, but I know you will prevail in overcoming everything that is hindering you to move forward.

Answer 3

Get counseling. You have brought an innocent child into a bad situation. You have not accepted your wife's death. You need to move on. You have moved on in body, but not in spirit.

Answer 4

It sounds to me that you need to go through the stages of grief. You are stuck in anger and denial, and you may need some help to move past that. Please look for a grief support group in your area, often the Hospice will have referrals for you.

I do understand your pain, but for you sake, and for you family, please get some help.

God bless you.

Answer 5

Seek counseling to help you accept your loss.

Answer 6

YOU LOVED HER VERY MUCH, YOU WILL NEVER "GET OVER" HER PASSING. OVER TIME IT MAY HURT LESS.
I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
I WISH YOU WELL.

Answer 7

Please go for counseling, or you will hurt your current wife terribly.