Has anyone else ever felt this way before?

Question

OK, I hate to ask this here, but I keep wondering. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. Before we got married, I was having some doubts...I was thinking about calling off the wedding. (He had previously cheated on me, and well, we didn't really get along that great, anyway) Well, about a month before our wedding date, I found out I was pregnant. I felt like such a let-down to my parents. I felt that if I didn't get married, it would make me a bad person. I do care about my husband, but sometimes I wonder if I love him. We fight a lot, and there are times when I think about leaving. We dated for almost 5 years before getting married. I never broke up with him because #1 I lost my virginity to him and was terrified to be w/o him. #2 I didn't think I could ever get over him....I was comfortable with him and didn't know if I could find someone else. He's not that loving or affectionate....he's really selfish. I have my faults, too. I need everyone's comments/advice please

I just wonder if there's someone else out there that I should be with. Maybe it's just "the grass is always greener" thing. I don't want to break up my home, but should I feel head-over-heels in love with my husband? I don't. I've talked this over with my mom, and she's told me that she never thought we should have gotten married in the first place. Both of my parents told me when I found out I was pregnant that I didn't have to get married just because of that.

Ok, brain dead people. I'm 23 years old and this is a serious question. If you don't have a serious answer, move on.

Maybe I should answer my own question. When I think about reasons to stay, I think about #1 because he's a "safe place"- I know what he's like #2 he works hard at his job, he doesn't go out and blow our money #3 I'm terrified to think of him having "visitation rights" with our daughter if we divorced. I don't want him taking care of her without me around. "Because I love him" never really crossed my mind. I feel horrible for feeling this way...

Answer 1

You wouldn't be the first person to get married because of a pregnancy. How your marriage is really depends on you. I guess you need to weigh the bad with the good. All relationship get to the comfortable stage. Love changes. You don't keep that "I can't get enough of you" affection forever. You really couldn't stay that way and function. That said, there should still be some kind of spark. A twink in your eye when you think about him when he's gone or something. Are you still holding in feelings about his cheating? Maybe those feelings are poisoning the rest of your marriage. Is it more good times than bad or more bad? If I were you, I would try counseling, either together or by yourself to help you sort through things. It's not a doomed marriage unless you give up on it. If you want it to last, you'll have to do some soul searching and try to fix your end of it. Your husband will also have to change some things too. You need to talk to him about this and go from there. Marriage isn't always easy, that's why the vows say for better or worse. You can make it to better if you are willing to try.

Answer 2

Man, I hate to say it, but you got married out of a sense of low self esteem and obligation. Now that you almost 3 years into the marriage, your feeling your strength and self worth. I read this just the other day. You just got done baking a cake, and it looks and tastes kinda funny. You then realized that you forgot to put in the eggs. Well, you can't very well go back and add the eggs now, the cake is baked. So the cake is basicly ruined. You can still frost it, and it looks all pretty, but underneath it still ruined and will still taste bad. This is kinda like a what happened with you. You went into this marriage knowing that you were not marrying him for the right reasons, and now your feeling kinda stuck. You can't go back and add the things to it that you want, because it's too late. Now, you can start communicating better or go to counseling, but that is also not guarenteed to work either. AND you now have a child in the mix of things. This is a very difficult situation to really have a good answer for. You deserve to have and be loved to the fullest extent, and if your not receiving that it's not fair to yourself to not be able to have that. I guess I'd start with talking to your husband openly about your concerns, if you haven't already, and let him know that your not happy and that divorce has crossed your mind and see how he responds. If he does care about you, and you don't threaten him on a regular basis with the big 'D' he may very well take you seriously and start along with you, working on bettering your marriage. And if he doesn't, well, then there's your answer. Sorry your going through this.....

Answer 3

I believe you need to start by forgiving him for cheating.You have already married the man so there is no looking back.Move forward.#1 do you want this marriage to work #2Do not use the child as an excuse because you are afraid to live without him.The worst thing to do is fight in front of the child.Even if the child does not see the fights, they can still sense the tension.Some people are better living apart than together.When you talk to him,don't criticize him for his faults because you said for better or worst.Instead, let him no what hurts your feelings.If he loves you enough he will try to correct the problem that is causing conflict in the home.Get him to open up to you.Try hugging him from time to time.Give little surprises like a candle lit dinner you cook at home.Run his bath water.The point is do the things to him that you want him to do for you.In time he will catch on and feel secure enough with you to express his feelings.

Answer 4

Well I think that perhaps the best thing for both you and your child would be get divorced. It sounds like you were very confused at the time you got married, and your personal moral values, (while very admiral) were misplaced.

While divorce is a pretty radical step, it would also allow both you and your child to get a fresh start on life.

Sweetie, you are not alone when it comes to something like this. Having your parents support means so much.

I honestly feel that once you get your life settled again, and with this experience in hand, you will be ready to once more find that special someone. Believe me, there are a lot of very good loving men out there, even though it may seem that there isn't.

You see, we are hard to find because we don't make a lot of noise about ourselves, and perhaps that's one of our best features.

Answer 5

Well sweetie, you r not alone, i feel that way now and probably for along time to come, i married an A------ on June 17th, I do love him but, just like yours he is selfish, moody, controlling and mentally abusive. We also dated for 5 years, no kids with him though. basically, My mother passed away a few years ago and my father just passes in March. I have no one left and my wonderful brother sold the house on me while I had P.O.A. so we are going to court on the estate Dec. 20th. We fight about petty things and get so nasty with words. He bought me a conv. camaro and he signed as the lien holder and takes the keys away and locks it in the garage even now as i type. He also got me a 92 Low rider its in his moms garage, i never even got the keys, I am embarrassed or humiliated in front of what few friends that I have left by him every time they may some over. And last but not least...2 days before our wedding I tricked him to think I knew something he had done behind my back to find that he was with a hooker a few months before to punish me for giving a male friend of ours a ride to the bank. (thanks I needed to get this off my chest) all you can do is pray it gets better and try to make a plan. You can email me if you ever need to talk. Good Luck

Answer 6

I havent felt that way because I havent been in your situation. I am sorry that you are feeling so frustrated :(

Anyway, here is my idea

I think that even though you have the option of breaking up with him, and that your parents might be ok with the idea, the fact is that you have a child to consider. I would suggest trying as hard as possible to make this work.

Its possible your husband is responding to your lack of interest in the relationship. If you were affectionate, showed genuine interest in what matters to him and showed that you were happy to see him when he comes home from work, that your attitude might rub off on him. Maybe you could spice up your relationship ;-). Spend some special time together. Kids take up a lot of your attention -and as much as they are worth it- can be physically and emotionally draining. Maybe you could get someone to look after your child for a weekend and you and ur hubby could spend a relaxing weekend together. Find out what first attracted you to him, and re-aquaint yourself with these qualities!

Im sad that things arent working out as you would like them to, but I would love to hear that you guys have been able to make a real go of it, and are happy to be together.

All da best!!!!!

Answer 7

You were afraid you couldn't live without him, now can you live without him? Think about that. If you can, then you need to 'take a break'. Move out and see what else is out there for you. The answer shouldn't be another man. You are either unhappy now and need to leave or are just going through a phase of wondering what could have been.

Only you know what is best for you but you need to make a decision. Either leave and live your own life away from him for awhile and risk him being gone forever, or get over it, leave it alone and get that thought out of your head. Make your decision now before wasting another year doubting or wondering.

Answer 8

Most couples go through this,not knowing if they really love each other at some point in time. A marriage takes work. If your not willing to work at it you will never get a marriage to work no matter who it is with. Talk to your husband and tell him how your feeling. If he isn't willing to meet you half way then maybe it's time to think of the alternative.

Weigh out the good days and the bad days,if you have more good days it is definitely worth trying to save as long as he is not abusive. You can fall out of love but you can just a easily fall right back in too.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

sounds like you trapped him into marriage.if you didn't love why did you get married?because of the baby,I'm sorry but that was wrong.the baby didn't ask to be brought into this world.when 2 people have sex before marriage they should use protection,,,what would you expect to happen?women use pregnancy to trap a guy and that is wrong.if you love someone,,whats the problem?you turn it off and on like a water faucet,,,don't think so.the grass is not greener on the other side.life is what you make of it .your grown ,if you were in doubts about the marriage ,why do it?we all have marriage problems,but you don't walk out and throw in the towel,,,especially when kids are involved.you need to talk to your husband and save your marriage,for you and the child.children need both parents .
p.s if he's that selfish he would of done left.guess he wants you and the child.

Answer 10

It is common the feel this way. One: you feel "trapped" and wonder if you would have married the man if you hadn't been pregnant. Two: everybody fights but you only know how things are at your house. Men ARE selfish...never met one who wasn't, at least to some extent. I've never known a man who gave as much attention as a woman feels she needs. Stop and ask your self, is this man worth my effort. Where do you see your self in 10 years, 20 years, 40 years.
You can find someone who will show you attention, now, it won't last. Men are pretty much the same in those areas. If you search your heart and you love him work with him, expect less and talk more. Just remember men are just little boys.