raindrops keep falling
as if they bring a massage from the sky
and storm is slowly approaching
clouds still continue to cry
i look out of the window and think
how empty i feel inside
this darkness is scaring me deeply
my heart is my only guide
five years it has been today
your lips no more i kiss
your hand no more i hold
your touch the most i miss...
2006-12-12 14:26:04 · 16 answers · asked by redipsspider 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
its good, but i kinda dont like the ryhmesing, nad hte storm stuff is cliche... sry, but we jsut leaned bout poetry, so yea.
2006-12-12 14:33:38 · answer #1 · answered by Maggie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can I be honest. No sorry. The first line is a mistake I think. It will immediately make your reader think of bursting into song. These raindrops. Do they bring a massage? or was that supposed to message? I'm assuming message, but then I've no idea what that message is from the rest of the poem so perhaps it was a massage. That's an image that might be worth exploring. Rhyming poetry is very very hard to write well. The problem is that writers tend to twist the language to fit it in. For example "your lips no more I kiss" would you really say that? I don't think you would to be honest. I feel that unnatural language detracts from the poem.
You obviously have a deep and powerful message in there. And from reading what you have written I know you could bring it forward in much stronger terms than this poem does. Don't be discouraged by these comments. 2 things to remember
1. it's just my opinion, if you like it as it is, that's fine
2. If I didn't think this poem had potential, I wouldn't have bothered to take the time to comment on it.
keep on writing.
2006-12-13 07:40:04 · answer #2 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Decent, man... some parts may seem cliched, but you seem to write them as if you mean them, they can still be strong. It rhymes, it has a beginning, a middle and an end... solid.
Far be it from me to criticise, but I think the line 'this darkness is scaring me deeply' sounds a little awkward, and 'my heart is my only guide' sounds too familiar, it's definitely been said that way before, and you could think about making it a bit fancier... still, I think you've let your feelings out with this, they show up quite strongly, and that makes the piece as a whole a success in my books.
2006-12-12 15:27:49 · answer #3 · answered by Buzzard 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes I like your poem, it tugs at the heart strings
I hope someday you will find the happiness to write a poem of a new day dawning.
I am sorry for your loss
2006-12-12 22:49:48 · answer #4 · answered by st.abbs 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is very moving. I am sorry for your loss. My only suggestion: In line two you have used the word "massage" and I think you mean "message". Continue writing, you're quite talented.
2006-12-12 14:35:14 · answer #5 · answered by singlesolitaire1957 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweet, I almost cried. Your doing well, keep going and you can be the next Emily Dickinson. Good Luck! ; )
2006-12-12 14:45:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes your poem is beautiful, I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I lost my mum in March this year, so you can imagine how I am feeling, after reading it.
2006-12-12 14:49:03 · answer #7 · answered by Sierra One 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its OK, a few onfusing line but other thn that, its EMO enough lmao....just kidding! PS. dont go on about storms!
2006-12-12 14:53:27 · answer #8 · answered by SWIFT 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes very much so. Some lines are a bit awkward (3,7,12) but other than that... it's wonderful.
2006-12-12 14:34:23 · answer #9 · answered by Physicist 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is an awesome poem. for me it is so hard to write up a poem.
- puppyluv
2006-12-12 14:35:58 · answer #10 · answered by Just ME 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋