New Hubby and my 4 year old butt heads?

Question

I got married to my second husband in March. My son and I have been alone for 3.5 years after my divorce from my first husband
( his father)..so this is a big change in our home. My husband seems to want to change everything about my parenting. He doesn't like the way i discipline. I have let him know he can't come into the house expecting everything to change as this has been our lives for the past 3 and a half years. Plus things have been very calm and well handled in the house.So I think my parenting is very good. He threatens to spank him and punish him over the silliest things that he usually instigates. It's like dealing with two 4 year olds. It's putting a real strain on our marriage. Anyone have any advice on how I can calmly handle this situation without taking sides or seeking a divorce attorney?

I can imagine it's hard to come into all of this- however just like I took that oath- he also knew what things were like before we married.. He wasn't like this before. And i don't mind if he takes things from my son or puts him in timeout- but I do not feel it is his place to spank or tell me what I am doing is wrong. Xpessally since he has never had children. You can expect everything to change to his liking in 7 months. He may be the man of the house - but it's my house.

I can imagine it's hard to come into all of this- however just like I took that oath- he also knew what things were like before we married.. He wasn't like this before. And i don't mind if he takes things from my son or puts him in timeout- but I do not feel it is his place to spank or tell me what I am doing is wrong. Xpessally since he has never had children. You can expect everything to change to his liking in 7 months. He may be the man of the house - but it's my house.

Answer 1

A 4 year old does have the ability to behave reasonable.
A 4 year old acts on emotion.
A 4 year is not capable of understanding the changes around him.

Your new husband needs to have his A** kicked. He is an adult and should be the one going out of his way to make this easy on the 4 year old.

Answer 2

You seriously need to take sides here.The 4 year old is still just a baby. He is still learning how to do things . your new hubby is not a child and he shouldn't behave toward you child like he does.I know you don't want to hear this that you want to have a good marriage with your husband. But you need to seriously think about the message you are sending you son.You let someone else come in and start taking over and you don't want to take his side.By not making it clear to your 4yr. old that you are on his side you are making it clear to him that you are not and that you agree with this other person.You brought this baby into this world he should be your first concern not a grown man.I don't mean to sound like a *****.But I am so tired of mothers who worry more about the man in their life than their children.I have a little boy myself but my situation is diffirent because my husband is his father and I have had my husband around 17 years and my boy only 8 but my boy still comes first.My husband spanked my son for something stupid one time and that was the first last and only time he did. I made it clear to him hitting is not an option.And if he ever did it again he would be gone.No one has the right to put their hands on you child.He has no right telling you how to raise your son period.He isn't a parent and should keep out of it.Has you said you and your son did just fine for years with his input.You also need to ask yourself if he treats you son this way infront of you how will he treat your son when he is alone with him.And I will gurantee you that his treatment of you son will worsen if and when you two have a child.

Answer 3

To tell you from experience, this is a power struggle. Not just for whose in charge, but for your attention. You as the child's parent should be disciplining the child not the step father especially physically, HOWEVER you should support your husband on any discipline decisions he makes (outside of physical discipline). If you notice the child not listening to your husband, it is your job and step in and correct the situation. Your husband has to have your support and your child must see this. You have to be consistent or the child will feel he can say or do anything to "Bob". Your husband should come first. You are not use to this and neither is your 4 year old, since the it has been just the two of you for a couple years now. It will be an adjustment for all but you decided to marry this man. If you wanted your child to be first in your life you should have stayed single.

Answer 4

You both need to do some serious reading on blended families, step-parenting or go to counseling. I'm surprised that you didn't talk about child-rearing practices and values BEFORE you two married. BIG MISTAKE.

You may have to do some serious backtracking and lots of conversation, as well as some limit setting on your husband in terms of how you expect/want your son to be handled/raised.

Your husband sounds like he's got to be "the man" of the house now, be "in control", "lay down the law" which may reflect how he was raised/treated, his level of immaturity, the fact that he doesn't know any better or any different; or that he doesn't see anything wrong with it--except that it's not working in THIS household bc he's up against a 4 y.o. who is being defiant and he can't stand it.

He needs to learn to stop being a 4 y.o. and act like an adult. He's not going to bully this kid into "minding" him--only into disrepecting him as "Dad" tries to out-4 y.o. a 4 y.o.--and the kid will win most everytime.

You got work to do in that household and marriage. Otherwise, a divorce attorney deserves to be on the table for discussion.

Answer 5

Tough situation to say the least. What was ur new husband like b4 u got married.. was he understanding of ur parenting skills and was he understanding of the behavior of ur 4 yr old child? He has to realize as u wrote that u have been alone with ur child for the last 3.5yrs and he cant just come in and start changing things. Perhaps talking to ur husband and telling him that if there r things that he doesnt agree with he can come and talk to u about it and u can BOTH decide what the correct way to deal with things could be. I also feel that he shouldnt be the one punishing ur child, i feel that ur child will eventually resent him for that if he does. I would also feel defensive towards my child just like u and wouldnt like it when he felt he was right with whatever decision it was that he made. Communication is a big thing in any relationship, talk to ur husband tell him how ur feeling about all of this and ask him to talk things over b4 he decides what the best kind of disciplin is for ur child. Good luck!

Answer 6

Sounds like my marriage in the beginning. Whats going on is your husband is trying to show your son who is in autority. Alpha male thing. But the issue is that you and your son are used to things your way. As to your parenting.. wasn't anything wrong with it when you were dating right. So now it should not be the issue either. It takes time to adjust and you are all still adjusting to everything. You need to politely remind your husband that you are his mother and that you value his input but he needs to understand how your son is feeling too. They are both competeing for your attention. So they need to learn to share and you have to set the ground rules. New husband needs to understand that your son is only 4yr old and it's scary for him. Kids will be kids and he's going to test him. Patientance will get him so much further than spanking and threats. Just hang in there and stick to what you've been doing. And remeber you are a good parent. And if the hubby can't come to terms with things then unfortuneatly he might not be the right one. Good Luck

Answer 7

This one is tough. I recently married and have a three year old from a previous relationship. You guys should try counseling and during counseling set up disciplinary actions. Co-parenting is hard in blended and non-blended families because no two people can totally agree on the style. We all all grew up differently. My husband and I try to talk about my daughter's behavior before we punish her. We set up a plan in counseling (the neutral third party really helped!) to decide when it was appropriate to do warnings, time-outs, a swat on the rear, etc... It is important though that you allow him to discipline because otherwise your son will not learn to respect your husband. Also do not let him play you against each other for his benefit, kids are very smart like that!!!

Answer 8

All i can say is good luck. My husband came into our home when my daughter was 5 , she is now 17, the never did see eye to eye. He is very old school where spanking and just generally being mean to your child was the way to raise them. I told him at one point to back off and let me do the disciplining, worked for awhile. Then it was tell "your" daughter, blah blah blah. He cares for her only by buying things she needs, she cares for him only if he is sick. She doesn't even like to sit at the kitchen table if he is there anymore. It has caused a lot of stress in our marriage also and I've left once already. She can't wait to go to university just to get away from him. So wish i could tell you an easy way but from my own experience it doesn't get any better. Good luck.

Answer 9

Your husband and your son are both vying for your attention, and you husband is the biggest loser. He is acting like a four-year-old himself by threatening the child with physical punishment. You need to tell this "man", that this is YOUR child, YOU will discipline him, and HE will NOT touch him.
How long did you know this man anyway? Didn't you discuss these things before you married him? Were you so lonely and desperate for a man that you took whatever came your way? We need to work on your self esteem, girl. If he continues this childish behavior, tell him to leave. After all, it is YOUR house!

Answer 10

If you are dealing with two males this is bound to happen. My husband (his father) and son bump heads all the time over my attention. My son is crazy about me, total mama's boy and is extremely jealous when I give attention to his father. I can only imagine that your son is the same way with you. Your husband needs to be educated on the bond a mother and a son have.