Divorced Parents - am I the only one tired of being the 'bigger person'?

Question

Is anyone else just sick of hearing 'you're doing the right thing, you're being the bigger person, don't stoop to their level'. While the other parent is being lax in their parental rights and obligations (not paying support, not seeing the kids) Am I the only one that struggles sometimes with wanting to equal the playing field and lower myself to his level? I would never actually do it, but I do wonder about what it would be like to play dirty...does anyone else struggle with this?

I do know that 'stooping' to a lower level would not be in the best interset of my kids...and that's why I ~don't~ do it. But I just wanted to know I"m not alone.

Answer 1

I so understand where you are coming from. I can also tell you that taking the high road will pay off in the end. No matter how much of a jack*** my ex has been to me and my sons, I refused to speak poorly about him in front of my kids. Now that they are older, I don't have to say a word. They bring up his behavior on their own and have no problem talking to him about the way he treats them as opposed to his other kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasizing about the 50 million ways you could get rid of him LOL LOL...We all do and it's what keeps us sane. Don't feel down on yourself because you want to let him have it, just be proud that you don't actually act on the things you fantasize about LOL LOL! Merry Christmas to you and your family from a lady that truly gets it.

Answer 2

Pursuing child support via court order is NOT stooping to his level at all--it is forcing him to step up, stand up.

Child support is his duty and the right of all children--legally, morally, spiritually. No child deserves to be raised in poverty and, as some have said, poverty is violence.

If pursuing child support is stopping or feels like you're playing dirty or being vengeful, then go ahead and acknowledge those feelings. Some of them may have some basis in truth if you search your soul. That's normal and that's human.

Face it head on and go after the a** hole anyway--because your children deserve no less.

Your feelings of resentment and anger vs. the kids' financial and material needs are two entirely different things grounded in the same soluton (salary garnishment) with the same results (food, shelter, medicine for your kids and psychic relief for you).

Don't let yourself be confused or deluded that your "taking the moral high ground" somehow atones for your personal feelings about the situation. It does not make up for what your kids deserve and are legally entitled to, but lack,.

Again, these are two highly and totally different things. One has absolutely no bearing on the other--except for extreme situations where he owes child support and you know he is on his deathbed and can't possibly pay it, but you pursue a court order anyway....

As far as his refusing to see the kids: The court may enforce it but would you really want to? You can't force him to love or appreciate or care about the kids and they don't need his resentment that they are in his life and are forcibly in his life during visitation.

Without a doubt, the kids need their dad and are going to be hurt by this lack of hsi presence in his life. Do not speak ill of him, acknowledge their hurt,k and see if there is an alternate male figure they can turn to (older cousin, uncle, grandfather, Big Brother program).

When all is said and done, they will grow up to see their father for who and how he is and be able to leave him and his sorry a** behind, choose to develop a relationship if he and they are willing or not. No matter what, they (hopefully) will not, should not be or feel impoverished by the lack of their father in their life.

And that's the best that any single parent can do.

Answer 3

I'm sorry the other person doesn't want to see the children. It's the kids that are being hurt in that situation. Do not make excuses for this person to the children, they deserve the truth. As for child support...you have the law on your side. Call your local Family and Children Services office and get the wages of the other person garnished, and don't think twice about it. Those children did not ask to be born. They are here because two people brought them into this world, and it is the responsibility of both of those two people to support them.

Answer 4

There are so many people out there that struggle with this. I'm one of them. Being the "good guy" is some times a F%$#+!@ drag. You wanna kick butt but to your better judgement tells you not to do it. I think we're better off. I beleive in karma and they'll get what's comming to them. And that i've been a witness to on a few occasions. Beleive me, as a single father and "the good guy" as poeple reffer to me, justice will be served and I hope you're there to witness it. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Yes I think about this all the time I got screwed over by my x-wife who now tries to take advantage wherever she can. She expects me to give up my time with my daughter so she can spend more time with her when I only see her 2 out of every 14 days. And I am always getting accused of things by my X that makes my blood boil but I bite my toungue to keep from saying anything in front of my daughter. So I understand your struggle.

Answer 6

You are so not alone. I struggled with this for years w/my kids sperm donor and finally he dropped out of the picture. It is so hard to have to look at it in terms of when the kids are adults and figure everything out on their own it will be worth it. I want them to know now and it would be nice sometimes not to have to do all the disciplining and paying for everything yourself. Congrats though on being the adult in the situation.

Answer 7

Been doing it since 2002. I totally get where you are coming from. It would be so much easier if my boy wasnt so crazy for his father. No matter what he does, he is still a god to him. I just keep providing the stability he needs and hopefully my ex will straighten up before my boy is old enough to notice. Hang in there!!!

Answer 8

Oh, you are so-so not alone! I can promise you that. Just because we try to give the best advice here does not mean that we are all saints. I will bet that some of us don't even follow our own advice. How many people do you know that can give great advice, and would be better off if they could follow it too?

Answer 9

To directly answer in a short manner would not give merit to you.
You are a person of action. people are attracted to such. I have always understood the importance of life and bringing it here. I am male and understand the resposibility of bringing love, joy, and honor to the women I am with and of course the gifts that are our life. She disconnected from her children ...I think gving life took a great deal from her. We fight for honor for the sake that someone will come into our world and see what we have to offer.
Of course many friends find that my ability to be positive and direct and keeping a smile hard for them to understand. I found that being the one in action drains a great deal out of me and filling it with someone is the true hardship. I keep open to new encounters and realize that when I signed on as a parent my role needed to take a back seat. Many of my friends of course disagree....they of course believe everyone should have someone to deal with the everyday mundane. The one true fact is trying to compair or try to see things from this persons view is troubling because you can not believe you were so blinded by love with this person that you could not see the true person. Of you choose to not acknowledge it and try to deal with it until you broke. The one biggest thing to overcome is do not allow yourself to be consumed by others misgivings because it takes life out of you. Now I understand your children have traits that might spark some feeling...or even thier looks. They are not him and are independant. Holidays are harder to make ends meat and to accomodate what you would prefer verses what you can afford......Life is a wonderful adventure...you have all the magic within to create your own Nirvana for yourself and children look beyond him and into your childrens eyes.....Your thier biggest Hero....and you know what.........in time you knight will come calling........Ciao !

Answer 10

You are not alone. Sometimes it is frustrating when others behave any way they wish and you try to always take the higher ground. Keep doing it though. In the long run you will respect yourself more. Trust me, think, plot and let your imagination run wild of all the things you'd like to do or say. This is free and hurts no one. It's our actions that define who we are.