I detest where I am at in my life and think I may be guilty of unconsciously taking it out on others. Help!?

Question

I am a highly creative person in a highly non-creative job. I make less than I need to live at the basic minimum due to an attempt to change careers and yes, am already looking for another supplemental job to make it work. I emotionally distanced myself from my family due to discoveries I don't even want to write about. My trust system has just been destroyed. I am having great trouble in my personal relationship where I think my BF is verbally abusive. As per usual, he will blame any kind of issue on me and not take any responsibility for his caustic behavior. Due to issues with self esteem I am not in a position to lift others up, even if I want to. And I do want to. My BF accuses me of not treating him well and seems to find an example every minute to prove how I am failing or not treating him well. If I am infact so terrible I would like to fix it, however this seems in line with how he speaks to me - particularly when no one is around. Do I need to be single to improve?

Answer 1

I think you already know what you need to do, the bigger question is, are you stable enough to do it.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like you have gotten into a cycle of verbal abuse with your boyfriend, or as we call it at our house; being nasty!
You mention things which indicate that your stress levels would be off the richter scale. I would guess that you are both treating each other less than well and it may or may not be fixable.
If you are wondering whether you should be single...then I think you should at least take some time out. If you feel a surge of relief followed by happiness after a few days of not being harassed, then sadly, it's time to end it.
When I have been in similar situations, I have found it useful to buy myself a really uplifting book..I had one a decade ago called something like...whats right about whats wrong...and it helped me to look at what I was actually getting out of the negative situations in my life and therefore find ways to change them.
When you look back, you will probably find that this was one of the great turning points of your life.
Releasing your creativity even in little ways can help reduce your stress too.
Time for some YOU time!

Answer 3

(1) For you and/or your boyfriend, I recommend talking with a counselor. If he is not willing to work on his side of the relationship, then yes, you are better off working alone and leaving him to his own devices until and unless he is willing to meet you halfway. Most criticisms of this nature are self-projection, where he is denying his own problems and projecting them onto you. You are right; this is abusive and you do not deserve this. If he is willing to work it out and improve, you may be able to restore your relationship to a healthy balance. But sometimes the only way to show that the current imbalance is unacceptable is to refuse to relate to him without counseling and a plan of action.

(2) As for your work, you are wise to keep working where you are as you forge a solid game plan. I recommend the book "What Color is Your Parachute" by Dr. Richard Bolles with great references and evaluation exercises to help you make career decisions, especially if you are an artistic creative type.

You did not mention what kind of work you do.
If you are good at graphics, I would suggest computer web design or also opening your own online studio at http://www.zazzle.com

(3) To rebuild your trust, again you are wise to start by focusing inwardly on yourself and working outwardly from there. Once you have a stable foundation, where you know what you want in life and have a plan to get there, it is easier to make decisions about other relationships and opportunities along the way. But you certainly don't need emotional pressure on you coming from a selfish source. Even if your boyfriend refuses counseling, you may still benefit from this, or at the very least, keeping a journal and writing out your thoughts and feelings, especially since you have just received some emotional shocks and need room to recover.

You sound very level-headed for someone going through a lot at once. So keep focusing where you feel most stable and keep working from there!

P.S. If you do find it necessary to break off or separate from your boyfriend while you sort out your personal life, another great resource is the BUS Break Up Survival MSN group. There are lots of regular members of that forum from different backgrounds who will support you through whatever you are going through.

Answer 4

Your desire to improve yourself is great, it sounds like you need someone in your life who can support you and your current bf is likely not that person. If he can't support you when you most need it, then how does he contribute to your life? If his accusations have some validity, then the two of you should be able to construct a plan to improve your home situation. If you are a bit depressed then tell him so and show what you think you can do to improve the situation you are in. He should be able to respond to your efforts with some understanding and how he can contribute to your home situation. If he continues to shame you, then you should consider why you are in the relationship.

Answer 5

Having a bf that treated me that way, I would walk out that door so fast.....................

You don't sound happy and you can't be happy with some Else unless you are happy. Sounds like your miserable. You are going to have to stop and think, is he worth all this misery? Do I deserve to someones door mat? I think not! Move on and as they tell me, there are good ones out there. I hope you find one and have a happy life!

Answer 6

Nice hat! And yeah, you should dump the loser. He's dragging you down to make himself feel better, so obviously he has issues as well.