He gets very defensive about stuff, says I'm treating him like he's stupid. Discussions escalate into him yelling at me and calling me names - sometimes he looks like he wants to hit me (he hasn't yet.) I end up crying and he ends up apologizing - using that he is "stressed out" as an excuse. Then it happens all over again in a couple of weeks or so. And the worst part is we have a baby. I know this isn't good. These little episodes hurt my heart and affect our relationship after the fact too. I'm not scared of him, I just want him to grow up. Can he change? How? Should I leave?
2006-12-12 06:34:39 · 36 answers · asked by beth b 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Pull his pants down and give him a good spanking......
2006-12-12 06:36:22 · answer #1 · answered by marie1257 4 · 2⤊ 4⤋
You obviously have no skills in negotating differences without huge fights and resentment. Your are both immature, big time hon. Adults discuss, babies yell, scream and call each other names --- it's all out of control, and: Sorry about the baby -- you two are still children yourselves. Best thing you both can do is to get into counselling and learn how to negotiate without rage, resentment, anger, and tempers.... Of course these affect your relationship, they erode the things that marriage is ___ respect, admiration passion and trust. HOw can you have much respect or admiration for a guy who is the father of your child and who is screaming at you, and how can he have those for you when you are screaming back??????????. Get some counseling, hon..... the best money you will ever spend. Resentment erodes marriages --- get started soon, before you don't even have a marriage.....
2006-12-12 07:04:18 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This sounds like a classic anger management issue in a codependent relationship--truly the classic cycle of abuse (his behavior escalates, then blows up, then he's sorry, then it happens again). Bottom line here is:
1) Get and keep yourself safe. His behavior WILL escalate into violence unless you set boundaries. You're not scaring him, right? So, set boundaries. Leave if he scares you (or at least call for help), but don't put up with it.
2) His problem is not yours to control or fix, and you can't change him. He can change, if he wants to.
3) Get counseling for yourself, and encourage him to get help, too. You need counseling to help you identify your codependent (aka enabling) behaviors, and he needs anger management help. Both can be sought through your insurance provider and/or your local social services.
Finally, don't be discouraged. And don't believe what he's telling you about it being your fault (which is basically telling you that you have to control his behaviour). Sometimes love has to be tough, so exercise some tough love and start by taking care of yourself. And yes, you should probably separate, at least for a while. It'll be ok. I'm here to tell you that it can get better--if you're willing to stand up to him.
2006-12-12 06:45:37 · answer #3 · answered by Zebra4 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
For one thing apologizing does not help when he's the one who's wrong. It's not that he's stressed out so much as the fact that he gets by with it. A guy like that is very unlikely to go to counseling, but maybe when you have him in a really good mood tell him that it stinks to be around him with that going on all the time. He will not likely come around right away but it will plant a seed. Whatever you do let him know that he's not allowed to be mean to the baby! He might start being mean to him or her just to hurt you. And pray. God can do wonders even with jerks.
2006-12-12 06:44:14 · answer #4 · answered by womanfromok 2 · 2⤊ 3⤋
hello im jeany i understand were you are coming from because i was the same way but im getting better. i also use to get angry with my husband to the point i would hit him break thing ect!! half of the time i wasnt hangry with him just fustrated. it had to do a lot with the way my parents raised me we would not solve our problems right then and there we just ignore them and all that would do is build up until the next arguement than each time would be worse. the one thing that help us get thrue that shaky time was god we realized that we couldn't take this into ourhands so we some counseline secions with out pastors. if you can get a hold of some that can work and pray with both of you guys it will work if you both are willing to be open and accept your wrongs and learn how to make it better. there is no such thing as i can change a guy the only one who can is god and only if he allows him to. and no you should not leave him dont let the devil take your blessings girl well i hope i was somekind of help my email is flameonkitty@yahoo.com your more than welcome to email me god bless
2006-12-12 07:21:40 · answer #5 · answered by The wife R kitty 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is obviously insecure. The next time something starts to escalate, just say, I cannot do this right now, I am going for a walk or to the store or whatever, and when I come back, if you want to talk to me, fine, but I am not going to have you yell at me or call me one more single name. I don't care if you're stressed out. You will not call me names ever again. Then go out for a walk for a good hour or more.
2006-12-12 06:45:26 · answer #6 · answered by melouofs 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I would sit him down when he is in a calm loving mood and tell him how you feel. I would tell him that he needs to learn how to deal with whatever is stressing him out b/c it is putting a strain on your relationship. Explain to him that you are there for him to talk to about anything that is bothering him, and that maybe if he would talk about whats bothering him he would not end up throwing a tantrum when he gets to where he cant handle it anymore. If need be, give him an ultimatium and tell him that you don't deserve to be treated that way and that he should communicate with you about whats bothering him rather than flipping out on you. If he can't change, then leave. You can't live that way forever.
2006-12-12 06:41:57 · answer #7 · answered by ashleyod 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I don't want to upset you - but are you treating him like he is stupid or like he is a child? Sometimes one of the best cures to a marital problem is to begin by looking at your own actions that could help create the problem. Adjusting our own actions are really necessary sometimes.
I would suggest getting some outside help - a marriage counselor or therapist. I do not think you should leave - you have a child involved in this marriage. You need to take every step possible to find a solution to this problem.
Good luck!
2006-12-12 06:39:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
If the discussion starts to escalate and voices get raised then just say, "Let's take a breather and both calm down, we'll come back in 5 minutes and start again." That's exactly how our discussions end up too. I hate the yelling.
2006-12-12 06:42:26 · answer #9 · answered by momofmodi 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Well since you cannot control another person, then I would look at the part you play in this little dance. He cannot be fighting with himself, so there has to be something you are doing that helps the situation to get out of hand. Change you and you will change the relationship. I don't know what to tell you to change, b/c only you know your relationship, but figure something out b/c you guys are in a neurotic cycle and it won't get better on its own.
2006-12-12 06:38:35 · answer #10 · answered by Princess~C 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
He can change but most likely will fall back into that behavior. If he is not hitting and everything else is good you should ignore him when he is acting like a 5 yr old. You cant let him see that his bad behavior hurts you. He feeds on your reaction and quick forgiveness. Just my opinion.
2006-12-12 06:41:45 · answer #11 · answered by firefly 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋