What are some ways to re-build trust in a broken marraige?

Question

In my last question, most of you told me I should leave my husband because he just lies and lies and lies (and cheated, as well, *apparently* just one time... if that's really true, we'll never know).

Now, he has no idea how to re-build trust with me, and doesn't seem that interested in figuring it out by himself. So I turn to the masses for suggestions. How can he get my trust back (we all know it will take time -- even if he doesn't. I'm looking for better suggestions than just "time"). Thanks for any suggestions!

We can't afford marriage counseling. I know that's a common suggestion, but its not realistic for us.

Answer 1

he needs a renewing of the mind. And clean his habits up.
It's called Church, repentance and a lot of kissing your ***.

Answer 2

Sara,
If working this out with your husband is what you want then you have to ask yourself a few questions to help the healing process. First do you belive in an eye for an eye, because the way i see it that would leave you both blind and hurt. So I don't think that it would benifit you to cheat back. Second are you willing to forgive him and let it be gone? If you are then, you must let it go and forgive him completly do not hold it over his head from now until forever. If you are wanting to stay married to this man then you must blindly trust him again like you did when you first got together. It will be hard but it is the only way to improve things, but also be sure to let him know that lying and cheating and that type of behavior will not be tolerated. And lastly perhaps the most important thing you can do is seek the council of God and a good pastor, they can guide you two back to the peace that passes all understanding. As far as your husband if he really wants your trust then he needs to straighten up, act right and you will have no reason not to trust him.

Answer 3

The old phrase "time and love heals all wounds " is true when there is proper action on the part of the one who "cheated" and the one who was "cheated on." It is said that some cheat because of how the person that cheats with them makes them feel about themself. I think if there is fundamental breakdown in communication in the marriage, and forgetting to make each other feel special then there is a movement away from the marriage and the sacredness of that bond.

So if it were me I would evaluate how I feel personally. YOu know yourself better than anyone. Are you capable of forgiving your husband or would you be compelled to not forgive him, and remind him of his failings? If you try to make him feel guilty so you feel powerful..it is a formula for disaster. Some are capable of incredible compassion and understanding without being a doormat. It is your decision. Do not feel like a victim. Something significant happened here, yes, but the question is: Do you love him and do you want to try to rebuild the marriage?

Similarly your husband must make an effort to revitalize the marriage but you must be involved in that process. Partnerships should on a fundamental level be "equal" with giving and receiving, hopefully striving for balance and love.

Get help and open your heart even if ultimately it leads to separation.

I would go to a therapist and get some guidance and help. Many marriages have been made stronger after there is an indiscretion, such as cheating.

Answer 4

I don't answer a ton of these, but I do know lots about this problem. However, your question is a little unclear... you cheated? He cheated, He's lying, or did you?

This really begs for some solid answers hon, and hopefully, it will help. Since your question is unclear, I'll just aim at the whole target, hon!!!!!

First, apparently you two entered into marriage without really addressing what IS marriage? It is Admiration Respect, Passion, Trust, (the four biggies) plus a whole lot of other things like lovies, compliments, caring, sexual exculsiveness, building a home and an evniornment in which to raise children, should you so wish, sharing --- giving rather than just taking, and that goes for in the bedroom too --, and time alone -- with a glass of wine and a fireplace.... little goodies like this that keep your love alive. It is time with friends, same political views and same ideas on religion. And it is negotiating differences without rage, resentment or confrontation. Big order, isn't it?

Marriages can survive almost anything except betrayal -- adultery, and if this has occurred in yours, be fully aware that even with counselling and both of you willing to try, it is at least two years to repair this damage...... It would be easier to unscramble an egg!!!!!! With betrayal, the Trust is gone, Admiration and Respect erode slowly, or simply blow up in your face, and it is really tough to get up Passion if you have shared your body and soul with another man, or he has put it in another woman..... Pooof. it's gone..... for most of us with self-esteem, that is just revolting beyond the pale..and absolutely inappropriate to the survival of a marriage. One no longer has a marriage: If the couple stay together, they are a bit more than room mates, and may be "boinking buddies" but there is little in the way of love, honor, affection, caring and all the goodies that make for a marriage.....

Well, this is the process of how it got broken -- those four items are gone. Now your question is "How do you rebuild the trust?" OOOHHHH tough, and no guarantee. Any counsellor worth a hill of beans will tell you that it will be two years before the marriage begins to see repair, and that is even with both parties wishing to save it... Betrayal, lying, inappropriate behavior, and all the rest of it have to end, and it its place appropriate behavior must be substituted for keep a marriage healthy. So, assuming you two wish to save it, seek some counseling, witha qualified sex/mrriage counselor in your area.... It won't be easy, hon.... but good luck?

Helpful? Need more? Write, I'll certainly share.

Answer 5

Well, it really IS just a matter of time, but there are things he can do that can make that time less anxious for YOU. Every time he goes out, and comes back when he says he is, he's rebuilding trust. When he says he spent the money at the grocers and you discover that is exactly what he did, he is rebuilding trust. Trust cannot be bought, demanded, or expected... once it's been broken, it must be re-earned. And that will take work on his part, every day, every minute. If he truly cares about gaining your trust back, then he will not react with a false sense of outrage if you question his whereabouts or plans or intentions or spending habits. And as he has more times that he IS doing what he should, then little by little, you stop asking and start trusting! It isn't going to be easy for either one of you, but it has to start somewhere, sometime! Good luck on trying again!

Answer 6

I found some really good points from a magazine, on a website.

No imperfect man and woman are able to achieve a perfect marriage. Nevertheless, there are steps that you can take to reverse negative trends.
The things you say to your mate can reveal just how deep your commitment is. For example, in the heat of an argument, some husbands and wives make rash statements such as "I'm leaving you!" or "I'm going to find someone who appreciates me!" Even if such comments are not meant literally, they undermine commitment by implying that the door is always open and that the speaker is ever poised and ready to walk through it.
To restore love in your marriage, eliminate such threats from your conversations. After all, would you decorate an apartment if you knew that any day you might be moving out of it? Why, then, expect your mate to work on a marriage that may not last? Determine that you will try earnestly to work toward solutions.

Answer 7

First, he has to WANT to. Beyond that, all the electrodes in the world won't help. Ummm, well maybe they might help, but that's a different story. You know very well, that if he decided to work towards winning you back (whether or not he has any idea how), you would be hard-pressed to resist since you have invested so much emotionally. If he has no will or endurance to follow this path, I'd say use the boot. In your 2nd sentence, you use the present tense "lies." What's the motivation for staying together here?

Answer 8

I totally empathize with you and your struggles with a trustless marriage, and I understand "time" is not what you want to hear.

Developing authentic, true intimacy with another is a process. This process must always begin with open, honest communication. You will never begin to develop trust until you and your husband are able to talk honestly and openly, free of judgement and rejection. Are you able to create a space where you and your husband will be able to speak freely and be able to be vunerable with each other?

Through open and honest communication trust is born, and out of trust comes true, authentic intimacy. Yes, people have suggested only "time will heal old wounds", but if you do not work to create a safe space where the two of you can speak freely, trust will never develop, and thus the intamacy you crave in this relationship will never be realized.

How does one create safe space to have open, honest communication? It starts with both parties willing to listen authentically. Is this possible in your current relationship.? One person can not make this happen. Do you communicate with each empathetically? How do you guys interact when you talk to each other? Does one person control the conversation? Does one person cut the other off? Do you have to yell to get your point across?

Bottom line: Work on the open, honest communciation, but each of you has to be willinging to devote equally to the effort and yes the time it will take to save this relationship. If one person is not willing to listen authentically, you will be left with few choices and just more distrust and frustration.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

You have to be willing to entirely leave what has been said and done in the past. There is no use in burying the hatchet, if you are just going to put up markers everywhere. You have to be truly committed to putting the past in the past and moving forward.

Your husband is right. There is nothing he can say or do that is going to change the way you think or feel. That will come from within you. You have to ask yourself whether or not you can really forgive his past transgressions and go forward or not. If you can't seem to get rid of the hurt and resentment then perhaps you should consider walking away from the relationship.

If you feel that you can let it all go, you have to be able to deal with current issues without using his past mistakes as your trump cards in your conflicts.

Answer 10

First you'll need to adjust your expectations. People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person's character, needs, motivations and fears.

Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.

The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.

Every relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors.

Answer 11

It may take a long time. I have knowledge of this one. I still don't trust my man but he has shown me that he is with me because he loves me and changed some of his ways.
You will just have to think positively, maybe not give him as much faith as you had before.
This is very hard but if you both want things to work out you must Talk to eachother.