I've been known my bf for 5 yrs and lived together for over 3. We both have been previously married a while ago. He does not want to get married again (to anyone) because he doesn't want to go through bitter financial arrangements in case of a divorce. I even told him I wouldn't mind a prenup to protect us both. But he is worried that marriage makes people feel that they own each other & he resents that. He says he is committed to me 100% and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. We are thinking of investing into a property together. Well, I love him very much and want to be with him but I can't help resenting him for not wanting to marry me. It makes me feel like I am not worthy for him. How do I get over this feeling?
2006-12-12 06:15:15 · 11 answers · asked by Tink 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Breaking up would be terrible for both of us. We love each other and are happy together. I don't want to marry anyone else but I hate to have to choose between being with someone I love and want to be with or being married. Counseling is a bs, they always tell you that you have to decide for yourself.
2006-12-12 06:24:31 · update #1
you really shouldn't compromise your feelings in such a major way. i suggest seeking couples counseling to deal with the issues at hand in a direct manner before they damage your relationship. investing in a property together can be just as messy as a divorce and dealing with property issues. it sounds like he is super scared, so you do need to just deal with such issues first before you go any further.
2006-12-12 06:19:44 · answer #1 · answered by christy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why does he feel that marriage makes u feel like u own each other? I have been married for over three years now and have never felt like I own anyone and vice versa. I know some people have that idea like my father did, but if you two don't feel that way, it shouldn't be a problem. If you feel that strongly about it, you need to talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel (what you said here). After he knows how it bothers you and he still want do anything about it, there is a deeper problem. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he shouldn't really be thinking about a divorce. If financial problems is his only worry, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal to get a prenup and get married. And maybe the owning thing, but if you two don't agree with that, then there shouldn't be a problem there either.
2006-12-12 06:34:25 · answer #2 · answered by Xena 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know. I don't think I would ever "get over" the fact that my significant other doesn't want to go the extra step and make things "legal" - not because I feel it's somehow more "moral" to be "married", but simply because it's easier to conduct "business" as a couple when you're in a legal union, and I can't see myself with a person who had some major hang-ups over such a simple thing. But truthfully, being that you have invested so much into this relationship already, and you feel that he's the one you really want to be with - just try your best to come to terms with the fact that you will not be "married"; focus on the positives, and enjoy everything this relationship has to offer. Just because you're not married, doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling partnership.
2006-12-12 06:42:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you need to work with him as you are and try not to put the emphasis on marriage as a priority! In my opinion he is not rejecting the idea completely but he definitely from what you have said had a very difficult divorce and 3 yrs really isn't the longest time! just enjoy what you have right now, don't pressure him or you may make him shutdown the idea of marriage completely! don't resent him either he has been honest and you need to work through this feeling you have so you strengthen your relationship instead of pulling it apart and driving him further away!
2006-12-12 06:23:23 · answer #4 · answered by sicilyuk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that is something you should get over. I believe that while there are many things a couple needs to compromise on, there are a few things where compromise is not really an option. Whether to have children and whether to get married or just live together are two things not open for compromise, in my opinion. Also, in my case, moving out of town is not something I would compromise on, because I am my mom's only daughter in town, and she needs me. When she's gone, that may change, but as long as she's alive, that's not open for discussion.
You have to decide what's negotiable for you, and if marriage isn't, you need to level with this guy and either get married, move on, or just accept your current situation.
2006-12-12 06:22:12 · answer #5 · answered by melouofs 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't. You said he is bitter about the financial arrangements, well you are about to invest in property with him, that's a financial arrangement, just like a maried couple. You need to decide how important marriage is to you, because it sound like he is not going to marry you.
2006-12-12 06:30:02 · answer #6 · answered by harold 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If someone doesn't want to get married, one reason is as good as another. If you resent him for not marrying you, that doesn't make for a very good relationship.
If you do stay with him, and enter into any financial agreements, have a lawyer as part of the process. Make sure you're clear about all financial arrangements.
2006-12-12 06:19:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why does he need to marry you? You are living together and making plans together. At that point there is not much value to marriage. Call me old-fashioned, but if you would have been married, then made plans - you would be singing a different tune. So, my advice....pull back, slow down, back pedal....and make marriage something of value. Marriage is a commitment. Living together is comfortable, and easy to back out of if one so desires. How important is it to you?
2006-12-12 06:20:27 · answer #8 · answered by twicewise 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
by being with someone who DOES want to marry you. sorry sweetie, but i hate to tell you this. when a guy says he doesn't want to marry, he means he doesn't want to marry YOU. it doesn't mean anything to your self worth, trust me. my husband swore he would never get married. he had a 7 year relationship and still wasn't going to marry her. none of his friends thought he would get married. even i didn't think i would get married again. or have any more kids. and i had just had a 7 year relationship as well. now, we both married each other, and have a baby on the way. who knew?
2006-12-12 06:20:47 · answer #9 · answered by Bella 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once bitten twice shy. Maybe he thinks marriage screws relationships up.
To be honest you sound like you have a good healthy loving relationship thats good....... right?
I got married not too long ago if i'm honest it means nothing to me but then material things dont bother me she can have it all if she wants.
2006-12-12 06:20:26 · answer #10 · answered by Bohdisatva 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋