Ok, here's the deal. 4 years ago, my husband (then boyfriend) cheated on me. I only found out a few months ago. Our entire relationship has been plagued by him lying about things. Its to the point where even when he lies about small things, it makes me sad because I just know he's not honest. I can't get over what he did. I am so sad and angry and bitter all the time. He says he won't cheat again, and that he's sorry, and that he's 100% committed to me and the kids, but he just doesn't ACT like it. You know what I mean... I just don't feel like he means it. I don't trust him. He's telling me I'm beating a dead horse whenever I bring it up. He acts like we should just get to a happy ending without dealing with the messy facts in the middle. Then he says if I won't believe him, he shouldn't even bother trying... which only makes me believe even more that he's just going to cheat again. What would you do?
2006-12-12 04:58:45 · 19 answers · asked by Sara 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You guys, we can't afford marriage counseling. And the last time we went to a couselor, he admitted that he was watching a lot of porn behind my back BECAUSE he knew I didn't want him to.
2006-12-12 05:26:45 · update #1
Spouses who have cheated, and have asked for forgiveness, must EARN the trust back from the other spouse. Actions and words are part of this process. I think there are cases where a partner makes a bad mistake, and I think that a marriage can be saved and the spouse can change his/her cheating ways. But, they have to PROVE it. From what you are saying, your husband is constantly lying, therefore....how can you ever regain your trust? He must put forth an effort if he wants the marriage to mend---until he does, I'm sorry, but I think you will continue to be miserable in this relationship.
2006-12-12 05:04:45 · answer #1 · answered by HowdyThere 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm.... the fact that he has been lying about even little things bothers me more than the fact that he cheated four years ago before you were married. Your husband obviously has problems being honest. Is he willing to go to counseling and get to the bottom of why he can't be honest? If he is, then I'd say it's worth a try, but if he isn't, the trust he has broken will not likely be re-built. On another note, men are very often able to leave the past in the past, unlike us women, and concentrate on living in the moment at hand, so when he says "don't beat a dead horse", he may be really saying "I don't want to be reminded, I just want to be with you" but then again, he may be feeling guilt and not want to be reminded. I think what I would do is force the counseling issue, and if he isn't willing, then that would tell the story for me, and I'd find the strength to leave because I could never have trust in him again. Being sad and angry is no way to live.
2006-12-12 05:10:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fact 1: Once a cheater always a cheater. Fact 2: If he's lying about little things he'll lie about big things, too. You can try marriage counseling if you are committed to saving the marriage - but if after that you cannot see a major change in him you know what you have to do. You couldn't possibly be any more miserable without him that you will be with him. Oh - one more thing - I would advise you NOT to get pregnant again. It won't keep him home and may give him yet another excuse to roam.
2006-12-12 05:20:44 · answer #3 · answered by hoosiergal0946 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's tough. Personally I believe the person who lied and cheated has to take it upon themselves to do everything in their power to show you they can be trusted again. It never seems to work this way though. In the experiences I have had with this they seem really sorry and willing to do anything to gain back your trust for all of a couple days...and then they seem to be annoyed by the fact that you haven't started trusting them again. My only guess is this behavior is a symptom of never having been on the receiving end of the stick.
How did he not tell you all this time? How could he not tell you before you married him?
Did he even tell you at all....or did you have to find out on your own?
If he's not willing to do the leg work, I say leave his *** behind.
2006-12-12 07:57:08 · answer #4 · answered by Barrett G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. He may say he's sorry, but he's only sorry for the moment. You can't have a happy ending without dealing with the messy issues at hand. You need to get that through to him and make him understand that. I would say, hey just leave his sorry butt. But, he is the father of your children and I think it best to try your hardest to work things out between you two. After you have done so, if it still not working, then the best thing would be to leave him.
2006-12-12 05:09:45 · answer #5 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's easily one of the biggest decision of your existence. the only feeling you *shouldn't* be feeling is guilt. Your dad and mom are worried for you (cultural?) and also you %. up on that. Being a loving daughter, you sense undesirable for annoying them and picture you're allowing them to down. at the same time as i does no longer generally attempt this, on your challenge, it would help. imagine of marriage as a employer challenge. in case you've been going to positioned each and every thing you had right into a employer, all of your money, products, and all of your efforts, probable for existence, you would choose any employer better 0.5 with large care. and that is what you're attempting to do. Why do not you're taking a seat with your dad and mom and clarify precisely what you want and could no longer compromise on. to illustrate, he must be a non secular Muslim, or you do not care what else he's were given. tell them you do not even favor to hearken to about a guy which could no longer. you'll want he be 6'4" and buff, yet you're keen to barter on that LOL. Inshallah you are able to reason with them in this project. good luck.
2016-11-25 22:57:36 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You mention that going to counselling doesn't work because MORE issues come up. Maybe it is time to pull the plug on this one and maybe being away from eachother will show him that you are this great woman with his children who love him very much. If not then there are tons of guys out there willing to give ladies like you a wonderful life. Next will be the healing time and thank god you have your beautiful children who love you regardless of the problems your husband has.
2006-12-12 06:26:46 · answer #7 · answered by dazed&confused81 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you letting this eat at you ?
you know what you are going to do. You cant forgive him and you cant forget about it.you are predicting his future behavior by his past. I guess that would be fair. But he hasn't done it again. that's got to count for something.
The Lying.... different story. he probably just doesn't think hes entertaining enough... To think he is a pathological lier maybe
stretching some but who could tell on such a limited space.
Truth be told:
If hes not pulling his weight
annoys you to distraction
is violent
or hates your mom. Move along I doubt it will ever get better
but you dint mention much about his parenting so he could get the kids.... at least half time. you don't love him move it and get someone you do and give him a chanced to be loved by someone.
2006-12-12 05:14:03 · answer #8 · answered by to tell ya the truth........... 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your beating a dead horse, because he isn't willing to admit to a wrong, he isn't willing to go through the steps required to regain the trust u once had. he doesn't want to deal with the ugly fact, he just wants u to forgive and forget, but it never works like that. as it will be quite sometime before u can move back to where u once were. he isn't really going to try, but it is really up to him to make changes, as he is the one who lost your trust in the first place. if the entire relationship has been lies, and difficult, and now he isn't willing to wait till he earns the trust, than i would say he isn't willing to go the extra mile to attain trust. personally i would divorce him because i wouldn't want anymore heartache from that man. forgiveness takes time, and he has to proove it to u, and be sorry, and be willing to wait it out, no matter how long it takes. it's his attitude that keeps u feeling down. he feels that he is entitled to move right back to where he was before, not realiazing he caused this. if u feel he is not honest, that's your intuition telling u what is true, and they say we need to pay close attention to it, when it speaks to us.
2006-12-12 05:10:47 · answer #9 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't trust him, the marriage is over already. He has cheated on you, you think it will happen again and he lies about everything he has proven to you that you cannot continue with this relationship. Put a fork in it, it's done.
2006-12-12 05:17:10 · answer #10 · answered by country girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋