How do i deal with my son wanting to see my ex husband even though my ex husband is not a good influence.?

Question

I am divorced for 3 years now and my 5 year old is getting older now and wants something to do with his dad. His dad is kind of a deadbeat, doesnt pay support like he should, only comes around 2 or 3 times a year and is not a good influence, has bad friends and untrustworthy new wife etc. He is not a totally bad dad, like he doesnt abuse or do drugs or anything, but he is not emotionally supportive or there for our son like he should be, very distant and too busy with his new family to pay attention to our son, but our son still worships him when he does come around. Should i suck it up and let my son visit him when he does come around because it is his dad and hope that my son is not being negativley influenced or should i just say no and make my son unhappy because he cant see his dad?

Answer 1

I think a lot of people have missed the fact that the father sounds like he doesn't even want to be around the son. Your son wants a male figure in his life and he needs one, but not one who doesn't want him. If your father is around have him spend time with your son. Grandpa is usually a good substitute for a dead-beat dad. Are you in a serious relationship with a man? Is there an uncle he can spend time with? How about a good friend of yours who can be a positive influence? If not, enroll him in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. Your son is too young to understand his father doesn't want him around so he needs someone else who will take the time to treat him like a good kid.

Besides, it sounds like you don't want him growing up to be like his father so I wouldn't try to force a relationship.

Answer 2

I understand you are wanting to protect your son. But not allowing your son contact with his dad may be setting up problems for your son in the future.
I as a grandparent have watched my own son go through a very similar situation. So am able to see this from the flip side. This is a very heart wrenching problem. I know my own son would give anything on earth to be a part of his sons life...and would be responsible if only allowed the chance be a dad, doing all the things fathers and sons do. But his ex will not allow this to happen. Still denying father and son the possibility of building good relationship.

Continue to be a protective mother, we mothers all want our children to be safe...this is natural, but please find a healthy balance. So allow them get to know each other, you may be pleasantly surprised in the result.

Good luck to you, your son and his daddy.

Answer 3

If you keep your son away from his dad, he's going to blame you for not having him in his life. You should let your son form his own opinion of his father. Sooner or later, your ex will show his true self to your son and it will be then that your son will see him for what he really is. You shouldn't try to influence your son about his dad because whether you're right or wrong, he's going to be mad and hurt by you because you're saying "bad things" about his dad. I know it sucks to think someone might hurt your child when you could have prevented it. But it will be better for him in the long run. You just have to be there for him when and if it ever does happen.

Answer 4

If your son is not in any type of danger when around his dad, then I would not hold him back from seeing his father. If you do, your son will one day resent the fact that you kept him from his dad. Let him see his dad. Who knows, his father might have a change of heart and realize that he needs to strengthen that bond between him his son. If not, then one day, your son will realize that his father is not the greatest example or role model. But that's something that your son will come to see with age and not because you told him. I would encourage your sons father to develop a relationship with his son but don't turn it into a fight or an arguement. You shouldn't have to beg him to want to be a father to his son. All you can do is facilitate the visitations and leave it there. Your son will always remember that you spoke well about his father and you supported his father and son relationship. Ultimately, it's your sons happiness that you should be concerned about and nothing else.

I know it's tough, I also have 2 boys (teenagers) who adore their father although their father is not the greatest father nor the greatest example to them. But they could never say that they have heard me say anything negative about their father. Nor have I ever held them back from seeing their dad. They deserve to have a relationship with their father regardless of what I think about him. Hope this little bit of advice helps. Good luck!

Answer 5

You should let him see his father. All kids needs a male figure in their life. When your son gets older he will realize what type of person his father is and will make his own decisions when it comes to seeing him. But right now, I would let him see him, if that's what your son wants. If it makes you feel better, you can supervise the visits. He doesn't have to go to places to spend time with his child. Your place will do just fine. Just let them hang out, watch t.v and play games while you stay in the other room doing chores or whatever you have that needs to be done. Good Luck.

Answer 6

His dad is still his dad.He must have some good qualities about him or why else would you have a child together.As long as he wants to spend time with him you should allow it. Keeping him away will only cause hardships (especially later on when your ex tells his son it was your fault they didn't have a relationship).You can choose to supervise the visits.You may want to let him see his child only at your home or a relatives.You can also limit the time they spend together. The child should know his dad. Good Luck

Answer 7

You should work out a custody arrangement. For example, your son can visit every second weekend. I recommend you start off with many restrictions on place, for example, no overnight visits and the visits must be supervised (you should pick someone you trust, rather than go yourself.)

If these supervised visits work out, then you can increase the frequency and include a couple of unsupervised/overnights visits per year.

If your ex is being a real jerk, then feel free to cut out the visits, or continue with supervised visits (depends on how stupid he is).

You should have all expectations clearly laid out, eg,
place of visit
who else will be there
activities

If your ex has kids with the new wife, you should consider making a special effort to make these visits come off, so that your son can hopefully make a connection with his siblings.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Theres a couple of things to consider here.

First let's handle the legal aspect. If there is a legal custody/visitation order and it states son's father has the right for vistation, then you have no choice but to allow it. If you don't you can be faced with fines, jail time and/or loose the custody of your son. IF there is a visitation/custody order you can stop reading here as you really have no choice.

Now.. let's say there is no order and/or your son or the ex wants to have time together other than the normal visitation schedule. Here's what you should consider. Your impression of your ex is YOUR impression, not your son's. You state that your ex does not abuse nor do 'drugs or anything' and therefore I read into that you are not afraid of your son's safety while he is with him. Therefore, while you may see the 'bad side' of his dad, your son has the right to establish his own opinion of his dad and not an opinion influenced nor pressured upon him by you. Keep in mind that kids see their parents as a 'bigger self' and therefore see themselves in their parents. Boys tend to do this more toward their dad while the girls tend to do this more toward their mom. Seeing things from their point of view, when someone (especially mom) begins to degrade their dad, they view this as a direct attack on themselves and their view of their future. You must allow your son to experience his dad's personality and decide for himself if this is someone they admire and aspire to be. Trust me, as they get older they begin to see what is reality and what is show.

Another thing to keep in mind is that if you prevent these visitations your son will find out that it is you that is preventing the visits (either you will tell him or his dad will) and his resentment toward you coupled with his inablity to spend time with his dad will only double the damage done by his dad not doing the right thing.

In my opinion, let them be together and allow your son to develop his own impression of his dad.

Answer 9

You should never come between a kid and his dad. Your son will resent you for it as he gets older. As long as your raising him with good morals you dont really need to worry about the dads influence a few times a year. Every kid deserves to have access to both parents. You chose this man to have a child with so dont deny your child now.

Answer 10

i'm only 16,but i think i have a good answer to the problem.i can understand where ur coming from.but i am in the same position that ur son is in.although he is a bad infulence..he is still his father.and u must take that into consideration. U must be prepared to let ur son know who is father really is..my advice is to let him see him as little as possible when he is young, because influences are stronger. Later when he gets a little older thats when u give him alittle more freedom..take baby steps