how does this poem sound?

Question

i feel like its all over the place but its about how i feel towards the guy that i like and how he feels for another girl. i want to submit it into a contest in school and i want to know if i should make another one or submit this one.

thoughts of him rush butterflies into my stomach.
those eyes,
his nose,
that smile.
oh, that smile.
i search for it through crowds of people
blue, beige...brilliant
it's there
smiling at me.
concentration,
so focused, he does not notice,
he does not see the things i feel, its forgotten when she's there
the girl.
her presence leaves him infatuated
it's a sight i've never seen
body shaken, his wanting eyes sparkle under fluorescent lights
the selfish me loathes his happiness
jealousy makes me crave him more
its difficult to pretend hes not there
because he is
and he knows im there too
hes guilty, i dont know why
my feelings arent his responsibility
i'm about to give up.
upsetting yet beautiful, he is.

Answer 1

I enjoyed it, but I'm a better editor for prose, so I can't offer any helpful suggestions. I do like the brief descriptors at the beginning. You might consider the same format toward for the second half.

Ex:
he's guilty, why
my feelings
aren't his

That's just an example. Carry through with how you started. It allows the reader to envision the rest.

Answer 2

I like it, clean it up a little with better punctuation and properly capitalized letters- where necessary.

Maybe re-word some parts of it- Its a winner!

Answer 3

its a pretty good poem as someone already said if u punctuate it a little and eidt it here and there i think it will be an amazing poem
all the best if ur gonna write any other poems

Answer 4

i think its a little dramatic and if it were for me it would probably scare me away from you a little. your words put together doesnt really make much sence to me. But you have a lot of potential , on how you see things to make a really good poem.

Answer 5

boring