My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. He was previously married for 8 years. I have been going to my Mother-in-laws house for about a year now and she has not had any pictures up on her wall. So, over the weekend, my husband and I (and our children) went over to my Mother-in-laws house. And she finally put her pictures back up. She had a huge family portrait of my husband, his ex-wife, and their child displayed. Meanwhile, our pictures (snapshots) were just thrown up against lamps and whatever else could hold them up. She has a picture of his ex-wife on the refrigerator, and then a picture of the ex-wife and her son on one of the shelves. I was very offended and I told my husband that I did not plan to go over there anymore. Now we're feuding because he feels like I have issues with so many people in his family. And I do because they have been very disrespectful to me (mainly, because they can't let go in my opinion.) So, was I wrong for getting upset?
2006-12-12 02:02:20 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I notice a lot of people are saying that it's her house. Which is exactly the point. I can't control what she does in her house, but I also don't have to be apart of it.
2006-12-12 02:31:55 · update #1
More details!! I wasn't offended by the pic of the ex and her son, not even of the one on the refrigerator (that one has been there.) But for her to all of a sudden put the pic up of her and my husband totally took me on a loop! And I do not expect her to trash these pictures or anything like that. Put them in a photo album or make an album for the child. If I were a friend of hers and I walked in and saw that photo, I would say "oh, that's your son and his family...how nice!" Had the picture been up the whole time, I could understand (maybe she just never took it down.) Also let me say that there is no jealousy or insecurity here. That would be pretty ridiculous to be jealous of a picture. But it is about appropriateness. To me, it's just distasteful. There have been numerous divorces in my family and we have never blatantly been disrespectful to the new wives or girlfriends. We try our best to make them feel as welcome and comfortable as possible.
Thank you all for your responses!
2006-12-12 03:40:33 · update #2
Yes.....you have every right to be upset. It was very disrespectful on your mother-in-laws part. That part of his life is over. The pictures should be kept for the children but not put on display.
2006-12-12 02:08:27 · answer #1 · answered by Sheila S 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't believe you are wrong at all for being upset about the situation. I believe there is a respect issue in this whole situation. The grandmother should respect the fact that your son is not her child so therefor all decisions made do not rest solely on her shoulders. She should have asked if it were ok for your son to be left with the "babysitter". The haircut is not near as big of a deal but once again permission might have been nice!! I would just have a talk with her an tell her that you don't mind her having visits with him but in the future you would appreciate a little more respect and communication.
2016-05-23 08:34:52 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you noticing a trend here with every picture that you have mentioned? In every picture of the ex-wife, your mother-in-law's grandchild is also in it. Perhaps you need to realize that even though the ex is no longer in the picture in the context of being married, she is still bound to that family through the child and I think it's great that the mother-in-law is able to maintain a healthy relationship with that woman because it makes everything a lot smoother and better for the child. I think you need to stop wasting so much time on why those pictures are there and learn to accept your mother-in-law's feelings for what they are. You cannot force her to take them down and you can't force her to dislike the ex-wife just because you are now in the picture. Your husband is with you and that's that and you need to stop becoming jealous or insecure of whatever reasoning is causing you to be so completely bothered by those pictures. You say that you have problems with a lot of his family members, which one makes me question why so many have issues with you and then second, how you can say that they can't let go but it is quite apparent that neither can you. Your best approach is not to simply let anyone walk all over you because you no one deserves that. However, perhaps you should take the more mature approach and try being more respectful towards them, there's the old saying "kill em' with kindness" and perhaps that is a better option then getting mad over circumstances that are beyond your control. Accept the pictures for what they are and show them that they don't bother you and that you are mature enough to recognize that this is part of their family and their past. Be the bigger person in this and perhaps your relationship with these people will change and it's worth a shot compared to sitting around festering in your own anger and becoming even more resentful towards the family that you are now also bound to for the rest of your life. Good luck and take care:)
2006-12-12 02:14:33 · answer #3 · answered by serenity113001 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well if he didn't have children with his first wife it would be diffeent, but he does and I am sure that the son would feel bad if all of a sudden he didn't see pictures of his mom up there. She was the 1st wife and was apart of that family for such a long time.
but at the same time I can see where you were coming from but I had a kinda similar experience, My MIL didn't put up any of our wedding pics yet she has pics of her best friends daughters weding all over the house and of her best friends grandkids.......at first it really pissed me off cause I was offended. My MIL has 3 kids and out of the 3 my husband is the only one that is married and she had no pics of him.........but all it did was cause problems between us and I think that that is what she wanted....so now that i don't give a **** cause i think she is the one that looks like an *** when people come over and see her friends pictures up and not of her own son......well anyway, not that I can careless is when she has them up all over the place lol I find it pretty amusing actually cause she didn't get what she wanted, for us to fight lol but I know her only daughter will be getting married soon and my wedding pictures will soon be lost because she will have her daughters pictures all over the place, but who cares...
2006-12-12 02:20:38 · answer #4 · answered by Jen 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes, sorry sweetie you are wrong on this one. I'm a pretty jealous freak but I don't get upset over photos. I actually have portraits of my husband, the kids, and his ex up in our (in MY) house. I don't want my husband or the children to think that I hate them, anyone they love, or that part of their lives.
We have this issue at my mom's house occasionally because she loves pictures, loves the history of our family, and sometimes loves the ex's. No matter how much it is hinted at or even demanded she refuses to pull down the old photos and I support her. It is her home, her photos, her history, and her relationships. It is just pictures and everyone should remember that.
If there truly is no jealousy or insecurity here then it would not be an issue. You would think, "Hmm. Well that's not very appropriate," and that would be that. It would not be mentioned to your husband let alone wrote about on Yahoo Answers. (Unless you are an individual that is very hard to live with and expects perfection from those around you.) You would react very much like she had farted at a tea party. Maybe you'd mention it... cause it was funny. But you wouldn't ask, "Am I wrong for being upset?"
Honey, take it from someone that's been jealous a time or two (yikes what an understatement!) you're jealous.
Now the real question here is what to do with the jealousy, and on that one I can help you. Believe me I battle this demon (and demon it is) on a near daily basis.
*First you have to admit that it makes you jealous.
*Then you have to think about it and see what causes it.
Maybe it is because you don't like to see the lady with your husband, maybe it's because you want to be loved and accepted more (or feel loved and accepted more) by the in-laws. Think about it long and hard.
*Thirdly you must remember that jealousy is a wicked thing. The apostle Paul did say at least one thing that was profound and insightful, and I use his words to combat jealousy.
The words are a miracle:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
*Fourthly you must decide to either love your husband's mother (and accept her as she is) or to not love her. I reccommend loving her as it will make life with your husband much more possible. You need all the weapons you can toward the positive things in life. The odds are against you and divorce may get you anyway. Stack the deck in your favor if you want a life with this man.
*Then fight the demon. Print out Paul's words of love and read them every day. I hung a printout on the inside of my bathroom mirror and I read it every time I brush my teeth. It sounded like a hoaky idea but it worked! I am amazed at how much better I am at loving people now. And it has spread to all the people in my life. I am better at loving my husband, my trying children, my difficult mother. I highly reccommend that you at least try this.
*Finally take action as it is warranted. If you can't tolerate looking at the photo then sit down and have a heart to heart with the mom-in-law. Be apologetic but explain your situation. Ask if she would consider taking it down, just for a bit, while you get control of your emotions. I am sure this approach would work with my mom, but if that fails for you and you still can't take looking at it without being angry at your mom-in-law (or someone else) then try other actions. Try limiting visits, try quietly (without drawing attention to your actions) staying out of that room when you go to her home, or inviting her to your house instead. And I do love the idea of having a new portrait done for the mom-in-law. If you include the child that is in the other photo then you could give it to her unframed and hope she would put it over the other one, but the best and most loving gesture would be to frame it. This would show a great and gentle love and a true acceptance of the past.
2006-12-12 08:03:18 · answer #5 · answered by DidoDeeDee 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
By acting the way that you are you are reinforcing any negative opinions they may have of you. Why not put on a happy face and just ignore the pictures. You have this man in your life and causing problems with him and his family will not strengthen your relationship with him. Once the family gets to know and love you the pictures will come off the wall and yours will be the ones on display. I know sometimes that it is hard to bite the bullet when our pride is offended but this is the only way to make it work. Kill them with kindness. Good luck. I have been in your shoes and understand how hurt you must be but everything will work out if you ignore these jabs.
2006-12-12 02:23:01 · answer #6 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can understand how it upsets you but there could be a number of reasons she did this and it doesn't mean because she hasn't welcomed you into the family. She could have grown close to his ex wife and just because his marriage ended with her doesn't mean it ended the relationship they feel towards her. I mean she does have pictures of you guys as well and she could have not put them up at all right? The pictures might be mainly for the kids from his first marriage. I wouldn't worry about it that much. You have him now and I'm sure she understands this. ;o)
2006-12-12 02:30:05 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, I don't think it's appropriate for her to have a portrait on display of your husband and his ex! That is just plain rude and insulting. And yes, disrespectful.
Get a portrait done of you and your husband and see what she does with that! (well, dont' really, you probably already know)
Keep talking with your husband. I realize it's her house, and she might be sorry that the previous relationship broke up, but she needs to accept reality and respect her son's decision. She may not be comfortable with you now, but in time, if you treat her well, she will.
be respectful to her. Go to her place, with your husband and pretend you don't notice the pictures. Even if your husband argues with her, he probably won't get her to change her mind or take the picture down.
If you are respectful to her and treat her courteously and show an interest in her family and her, she may come to accept you.
I am sorry for your situation, but I am afraid it will require time for your mother in law. Hang in there!
2006-12-12 02:15:28 · answer #8 · answered by kristin c 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's not very nice of his mother to continue having those pictures around, especially since he is now married to you. She has every right to keep them, but they shouldn't be displayed. I'm not sure what you can do to resolve this, other then maybe have a talk with your mother in law and simply tell her how you feel. The problem is, it's her house.
2006-12-12 02:05:30 · answer #9 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG I would be pissed. I can imagine if there are kids in a picture, that would be acceptable. It is time that your hubby tell her that she needs to move on from that part of his life. And, tell him that if he doesnt tell his mother, you will. It is going to be much better coming from him than you. But, if you have to, sit her down and tell her that it hurts your feelings that she has them up there. And, that you understand that you may be second in her eyes, but you are his wife, and you are his future. And, that you deserve the same amount of respect that the ex got. Obviously she wasnt all that, especially since they arent together anymore! I am sure that you have heard stories about what an evil witch she was to your hubby, remind Mom of some of those things, and remind her that it is disrespectful to you and her son. And, of course, smooth it over with a "I know you still care about her, and always will, but if you could at least remove them before we come over, that will reinforce that you support our marriage, and not wish that he was still with his ex". Good Luck trying not to slap the tar out of her!!! I would want to!
2006-12-12 02:08:02 · answer #10 · answered by thelaundryfairy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋