I've warned him that it's wrong but he does it anyhow. He says he believes in God but acts like He doesn't exist. He lies to get me to believe him and he just does what he wants and then lies more and plays hurtful games with my feelings! What needs to be done here?
2006-12-12 01:25:57 · 23 answers · asked by Knuckledragger 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
In order for him to change his behavior he needs to have a negative experience because of his lying. I dont mean that you yell at him....he is used to that now. Make it embarassing for him when he is caught in a lie. Tell his family or yours and make sure he knows that everyone he knows, knows he is lying. The experience needs to be a vivd event. If everyine knows what he is up to then he will have nowhere to hide from it. No sactuary from the guilt and embarassment. Of course this is only if you are willing to keep him around. if it has gone too far. Kickhim to the curb.
2006-12-12 01:32:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have 2 choices...either keep putting up with his BS or leave. Doesn't mean you have to divorce him. Just tell him you are tired of the lies, that he is disrespecting you when he does it. Tell him that you are through with it, that if he wants this marriage to work, give him a number where he can reach you. Go stay at a relatives or friends and see if he calls. If not, or if he keeps lying, THEN you can see about a divorce.
A marriage cannot work if there are lies. Mine didn't. He kept lying about the same thing after begging for another chance several times. To make the marriage work, there hast to be honesty, trust, communication and respect. As long as he is lying to you, there is NONE of those 4 things.
2006-12-12 02:20:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you have to assume everything he says is a lie, because that's all that you CAN trust to come out of his mouth. He has a problem: you can't trust him. This is going to affect the happiness of your marriage. There will be no happiness for either of you because of his lying. Explain how you feel- don't believe him when he says he is sorry, don't believe him when he says he wants spaghetti for dinner, and maybe he'll learn that trust has to be earned through honesty.
2006-12-12 01:38:14 · answer #3 · answered by AMEWzing 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him his chronic lying has given you just cause to not believe a word he says. Thank him for breaking the trust you once had in him, tell him you hope that makes him feel like a real man.
2006-12-12 01:34:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been in your husband's situation much more than yours, and I've gotten better, but it's taken a LOT of work, and it helps that my husband is an absolute saint. :-)
I had a lying problem for as long as I can remember. I think it came from fear of my dad, who never physically or even really mentally abused me but he had a terrible temper, and I was scared of him anyway. Regardless of what started it, it's something that was an ongoing thing, and when I got married my husband didn't know about any of this. We were together about five years before we finally got things under control.
I have a habit of telling exaggerated stories, which my family and friends say makes listening to episodes about my sons really interesting, but when it comes to flat-out, get-in-trouble-if-I-get-caught lying, it's almost 100% about one thing: money. Other people who are compulsive liars may have a different hot topic, but that was mine, and it almost cost me my husband and my kids.
We kept doing the trust-and-lying game for a while, but then decided that the best way to deal with it was to take away any situation that would lead to lies in the first place. It didn't mean that I didn't have to exercize self-control (I do now), but since it was a compulsion, I needed to be kept away from the temptation to lie for a while, until I could learn to control that urge.
Therefore, we now have a checking account, and my husband is the only authorized signer. My husband pays the bills (I do help, but in the beginning I didn't). He has passwords to everything (my emails, ebay, everything). I honestly don't know if he checks it or not anymore, but I know he did in the beginning, when he was trying to build up trust again.
It may seem like we're in a bad situation where he comes off as controlling and possessive, to those who don't know us. But he's more than fair, he takes care of all of my needs and more, if I need money for something, he's okay with it. People try to tell me that he should "just trust me", but I know (more than anyone else) how much trusting me has hurt him.
In addition to permanently shining lights on all my little dark corners, we've both gone through counseling together and separately.
All this to say, trust can be regained, but your husband needs to do a few things in order for it to work. First, he needs to feel honestly sorry about the lying, and really want to NOT lie. If he doesn't care one way or another, the second part will be almost impossible. Second, he needs to do whatever (and I mean whatEVER) you need him to do in order to eventually regain that trust for him.
You need to decide if you think it's possible that you CAN ever trust him again. My husband took me back because as much as I've screwed up, he loved me and felt that if I could straighten out, he could learn to trust (but not be gullible) again. You also need to be straight-forward with him about what he needs to do in order to regain your trust.
I'll tell you, the time since then has NOT been easy, but it's been the best our marriage has ever been. And we're not "there" yet, and I don't know for sure if we ever will be. But I do believe things can be fixable, if you're both willing to step up and do what needs to be done to fix it.
Best of luck to you.
2006-12-12 02:01:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He will never change, you need to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life, or show him the kurb and move on and maybe find someone later on down the track who will treat you with more respect. Good luck
2006-12-12 01:30:33 · answer #6 · answered by shellhiggs07 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What needs to be done here... is you need to relate to him as a HUSBAND... not your STUDENT or CHILD.
He's a grown MAN. You don't get to teach him MORALS. His relationship with HIS GOD... is NONE of your business.
The issue here isn't the ENFORCEMENT MECHANISM... it's that he's fricking LYING TO YOU. That is unacceptable.
Might I suggest a radically different approach.
HOW ABOUT THIS...
Instead of backing him into a CORNER... MAKE IT SAFE for him to tell you the TRUTH. People lie, when they NEED TO. It's not a HOBBY... it's hard work!
If you create an atmosphere where he can be truthful - he will be.
Get him IN your corner... don't force him into HIS!
2006-12-12 01:32:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Just because you are married to him doesnt mean you cant divorce the jerk. Sorry but how old is he to be playing stupid games. You do what's best for you. I would have lost respect for him. Divorce him - he is treating you like a pet monkey instead of a wife.
2006-12-12 01:29:30 · answer #8 · answered by Change is gonna come 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first what is he lieing about.. then try to figure out at what instances he does such. if it is when his wrong then try to make him understand that you're hurt... if he dont seem to change then play his games.. but don't 4get that 2 wrong dont make a right and u should be happy that he do tell u the truth later on
2006-12-12 01:42:56 · answer #9 · answered by sarsy 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Counseling!
2006-12-12 01:29:57 · answer #10 · answered by Gerry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋