My husband and I are having major problems...?

Question

I'm 23 and we've been married for 3years with no kids. And for the past few months we've just been butting heads ALL the time. I feel like nothing I do is right, and he just always tells me how I'm wrong and how I start all the fights. He makes me crazy...he acts like he never does anything wrong and when I try to make a point he always tells me that I don't make sense. I love this guy with all my heart but it's tearing us apart and me apart. It's caused me to have no self esteem, depression and gain weight b/c I'm so stressed out about our relationship. We've talked about getting a divorce but we want to work it out. I'm so physically and emotionally drained. Advice please.

Thank you...

Answer 1

Get marital counselling and possibly some for yourself. Blaming other people for your thoughts, mood and self esteem is not at all mentally healthy. While you may be feeling real stress, it's your choice how you deal with it.

Answer 2

That whole "I never do anything wrong" perfectionism he displays comes from fear and insecurity. In psychology it is sometimes called a "performance avoid" motivation. The fear of appearing wrong makes people strive to be perfect (never wrong). He has some major insecurity issues he has to resolve.

You have some self-image problems that unfortunately feed off his insecurities. He says you are wrong - you believe him, go into a tailspin, and eat everything in sight for comfort (many people do). You can love him and still say, "No, your opinion is wrong and how you see me is completely f*cked up. How do you like them apples, pal?" But that comes from knowing inside that you ARE right and his opinion of you IS f*cked up.

Aside from learning how to separate your love from logic and knowing how to discuss and even argue constructively, the fact that you two young people -- and you *are* very young -- have already discussed divorce means everyone is thinking "well we'll just bail if it gets worse." That could be part of why no one is really working on the main issues of communication, trust, and commitment.

I don't often say this, because for the most part they are just as flawed as everyone else, perhaps even more so, but you should involve an outside person. Either a counselor (check credentials, remember that Barbara D'Angelo - supposed national relationship expert? Married and divorced 5 times. Please.), or go through a book together Mon-Wed-Fri nights, something or someone with an outside perspective on this childish, immature sort of name-calling and pouting (that's basically what's going on, right?) cycle you two keep experiencing.

Feel fortunate there are no children involved. It could be the best thing ends up being divorce, but sit down and ask each other honestly if you both want to with all your power try to fix it first. If either person hesitates, save your energy.

Answer 3

Sorry honey. It has come to marital counselling. Yep, for me, too I think. In the bible there is a scripture that helps me as I feel JUST like you do in response to my husband's words and feelings towards me. It is Colossians 3:23 and even if you aren't a believer, it is still good advice universally speaking: whatsoever ye do, work heartily, as unto the Lord, and not unto men. Get outside and take a walk and get some fresh air. Walk to where your favorite treat is, coffee, tea, a Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen, whatever. Sit down and read it while reading the paper or a magazine. When you're done, sit back and think outside of your marriage, about yourself, the world, how things are good, much better than they could be...then walk back home. Keep being the bigger person and God will continue to encourage you to hang in there. Blessings and peace ... I hope you make it.

Answer 4

Well I'll give you my opinion on this (not that I did it-I was married at 20 also) and this has come with age! I believe someone you would marry at 20 is not the same person you would marry at 30, your whole prospective on life changes! Some are able to grow together, but alot aren't, that's why the divorce rate is so high! When your young sometimes you don't look beyond just having fun and someone to sleep with every nite! When your 30 or beyond your really looking for a life partner,someone not only to share your bed,but your dreams and goals!

Answer 5

I got married when i was 17 and he was 21 ..........He thought he could tell me what to do all the time like he was my father or something.We fought of course and we worked it out .We were married for 18 years and then we got divorced. What i realized looking back is that we didn't ever become equals .You and your husband are butting heads because somehow he thinks he is the BOSS and you have to listen to everything he says. Tell him that you don't wanna fight .Tell him you are in this relationship together and that you love him . If he doesn't work WITH you to make it work then it is doomed and you will divorce . You have to have love and respect for each other from the start .That come with age and maturity .

Answer 6

Please get yourself some professional help. It's obviously gotten to the point now where you two cant work things out on your own. Find a counselor or pastor who can help guide you through this difficult time.
It sounds to me like a breakdown of communication. Taking a step back and learning to communicate with each other again may be a place to start. Also, get yourself out and participate in some stress-relieving activities such as excersize, or a hobby that you enjoy. Just taking a half hour or hour every once in awhile just to pamper yourself can help you deal with the stress the rest of the week.
You can do this! Good luck!

Answer 7

Sounds like a marriage counselor is in order here.

IF your the types that don't approve of or going to one, then my next suggestion would be to seperate. That would give you both time to think about what is what and if the marriage is worth saving.
During the seperation, try "dateing" each other again. Make him come pick you up and take you out.

If none of this helps, then your either headed down the road to 2 people being very unhappy, or divorce.

You need your selfesteem girl in order to be a healthy woman.

Get a way to get it back!!

Answer 8

You are still growing up. Part of it is dealing with the stresses of marriage not just the benefits. People are not used to sharing control of their lives.
Go see a marriage counsellor, yes, but take solace in the fact that ALL couples go through this. Don't give up this easily. At least nobody is an alcoholic or hitting each other or sleeping around. Your problems are surmountable don't worry.

Answer 9

it may be best to start with,,"do we agree we both want to try to salvage this relationship" and go from there,,it could be true he really doesnt understand what is and what has gone wrong and explaining in a way YOU understand may not give him the understanding you want him to have,,try other technics to get your point accross,instead of getting angry because you think he isnt really committed to listening use the words you know yourself to be true,,"when you do this i FEEL"" and such,,he cant say it isnt true and he might just hear you,,lets face it,,men think about what they consider important and women think all the time,,about everything,,he asks,"whats wrong" you say "nothing" it isnt nothing though is it,,he should know he needs to push you,he hears,,"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG",,so he leaves it and thinks you are just haveing a crap day,,you are left feeling he really doesnt give the proverbial and you are likely to feel worse,,,get down to the nitty gritty,,,,if you can both decide one thing you do have in common is to get back to a happier time with each other,,not other people you have a shot,,you have been happy before and unless one of you has drastically changed it is likely the two of you are just lost in your marriage,,stress you love him and allow him to express how he feels about you,,move on to what YOU FEEL is causing problems and allow him to say what he feels is the problem(s),,,you could see if explaining the differences in how you both see your relationship can help you see how it has changed and from there make plans for tomorrow,,"right,,tomorrow we are going to........." talking can accomplish a lot if you just get out there what is on your mind and if something is bothering you then those feelings are valid,,,given the situation between you ,,really,,,it could get so much better or at least you can gage how both of you feel and work out a plan either way.

Answer 10

I'm not married but living with my partner of 5 years with our son and baby number 2 on the way. My older sister was in a similar situation to you, but they have two sons and they managed to save their marriage. They decided to spend some time apart from each other, her husban dwent to spend some time in canada with his family while my sister stayed in their home. After 2 weeks he came back home. They talked everything through, they were both going through stressful times, he was on the verge of losing his job, our mom had died a year before which she was still finding hard to cope with. They realised they couldn't live without each other, and they are still together now - a much stronger couple becasue of the stuff they've been through together. Maybe you need a little time apart to sort yourselves out not only emotionally but physically, and they talk about everything properly. You obviously care alot about him and your marriage, so do whatever it takes to work it out. Good Luck, Andie x

Answer 11

Do you believe in God? Because if you is putting him frist than everything will fall in place.See I don't know if you believe in God but I always put him frist in my life because I know what ever I want he will give it to me as long as I wait patiently.He may not come when you want him to but he will be right on time. I am sorry to be that I am talking about God but sometime he need to be in the mist of your storm while you need him because that's when you is bone able to things that surround you in your life and you need that protection from God so nothing will mess your mind,soul,spirit,body up.I have read some of your answer to your question and some was saying that you need some counseling,and psychology help let God do that for you.If your husband have some insecurity pray about that because if he do he is human.If there is a situation that you can not handle let God handle it for let him fight your battles.