its called
Down by the sea
They come in droves down by the sea
Heads like mice or so it seems
With chairs and towls they pass by me
Setting up camp as far as the eye could see
As children ran and laughed with glee
Down to the water as parents screamed
Not to go to far or stand and wait for me
I knew it was time for me to leave
2006-12-11 21:47:38 · 8 answers · asked by jan d 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
It's not a bad topic, but I think it lacks technique. It rhymes, but that's not the only thing you should worry about when constructing a poem. I am not an expert by far, but I have done some writing both for myself and professionally.
Now, before I get ahead of myself, I should tell you that if you wrote this for personal enjoyment it's a cute little poem. But if you want to take it further you should consider taking up some classes and reading some more poetry. Even if you don't want to do this professionally, it's a very enjoyable way to spend your time and expand your mind. So congratulations for taking the first step!
Back to the poem, I think there is some more work that you could put into it. If you read it again, you will notice that it tells us what happened, but your point of view is not presented as much as it should be. The only two lyrics which express your true take on things are "Heads like mice or so it seems" and "I knew it was time for me to leave". This is what truly interests me as a reader: the way you feel about the events and how they are projected in your soul. The topic is good because the people coming down by the sea are an image most of us can relate to. It is a usual image, so what is really interesting and unusual about it is your opinion. You should focus on that I think.
2006-12-11 22:14:24 · answer #1 · answered by Tibi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. It's short, simple, to the point, and cute.
A couple of suggestions, however.
"as far as the eye could see" is a bit overused and honestly a little awkward there with so many syllables... can you think of some other way to say that? With your rhyming pattern (which looks like simple ABACADAE) it wouldn't even have to rhyme, so don't worry about that.
Also, the verb tense switching back and forth from present to past could be worked out to add cohesiveness.
The other phrase that stuck out to me as rather awkward was "Not to go too far or stand and wait for me." The first part "Not to go too far" tells about what they are saying without a direct quote - but the second part "Stand and wait for me" is a direct quote. I'd change it up so that they're both the same.
Overall, though, nice work!
2006-12-12 08:02:34 · answer #2 · answered by wnk 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a good enough peom just to write but take things further! Don't stop with simple little poems, expand your writing background to improve your mastery of the English language. Also, write for yourself. If you're worried about rhyming, just write. A lot of people say they can't do that but I couldn't either and I decided to just practise. Now I think in rhymes.
2006-12-12 08:37:16 · answer #3 · answered by nintendofreak_1990 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ah yes, escaping the group....
It's nice, the images are simple, and straightforward.
As you practice writing, you might want to keep the tenses the same (present or past), but not both in the same phrase without explanation.
Keep Writing!
2006-12-12 06:02:45 · answer #4 · answered by Longshiren 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its great! Love it! Except that in the second last line it should be 'Not to go TOO far' but everything was EXCELLENT!!!!!!! I mean like seriously, i'm so bad at english and you're like SUPER GOOD! *Sigh* I wish i could write like you...
2006-12-12 07:43:54 · answer #5 · answered by ＊～Tell Me Wut I Wanna Know...～＊ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good. Dont stop writing. You can become best........
2006-12-12 08:26:16 · answer #6 · answered by krishna 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its ok. Better than I can do.
2006-12-12 05:58:51 · answer #7 · answered by novagirl117 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice. i like it
2006-12-12 06:01:37 · answer #8 · answered by bususuna3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋