HELP! How to enter a relationship with a divorced woman with 2 kids (me single with no kids)?

Question

She has husband who doesn't support.
She works and supports with her parent's help.
She owns her own home (not sure if its paid off).
She has changed careers to boost her income.

She is showing interest in a relationship.
She expressed she wants to get married (in general).

Looking ahead I am wondering...

How to structure a relationship and/or marriage with her financially?

Any experience or ideas?

Obviously if I care then I will want to be fair and do my share.

What would you see as FAIR ON MY PART, and MY SHARE in such a relationship in relation to her and the kids....

1. Premarital and
2. After marriage

in the areas of

1. Our common expenses/assets
2. Her personal expenses/assets
3, My personal expenses/assets
4. Her kids expenses
5. Expenses of future kids we have (if any)


Seriously thanks for your help!

Answer 1

It takes a special person to enter an all ready-made family. There will be different problems especially with the kids accepting you as the new dad. The biggest thing that hits me after reading your situation is that this lady is looking for someone to help financially here above anything else, especially since she is already ready to jump back into marriage again. It is obviously apparent that you are looking at all aspects of entering this relationship but can tell you she is only looking at one thing and it isnt love or companionship. Dont get me wrong, shell love you to death as long as you have a big checkbook. She is under extreme stress doing it alone and probably hates the fact that her parents are helping and realizes that her parents wont be around forever so she needs to find someone willing to accept her and her family real quick. True, in every relationship its a give-take union which means 50-50 but Im afraid here you might be getting into something more here but youre obviousily willing to help here. Just make sure youre not entering this out of pity or feeling sorry for her, because if you love her then you automatically love her kids and problems too, because more problems will arise sooner or later. I have dealt with alot of couples with a situation like yours and what I wrote is the usual complaints that seem to come up with, but am always able to help them overcome their challenges and their relationships have lasted a long time, so I wish you all the best in your future relationship.

Answer 2

This is a pretty in depth question... and I cant help noticing that a lot of your concerns are financial, which immediately brings a Beatles song to mind... "I dont care too much for money, coz money cant buy me love"... come on, sing it with me, I know you know the words!

Let me first start by telling you that I am a divorced woman with two children. I have been in a new relationship for 3 months now (which is the most wonderful, supprtive, generous and embracing love I have ever known). My ex husband and I are on very good terms however and unlike your prospective partner, I have plenty of support from him. If its the money stuff you are worried about, there are a few questions you should probably ask yourself...
A: do you love her (and i mean REALLY love her)? Because if its the real deal, and she feels the same way for you, money will never be an issue. You will naturally want to be as generous and accommodating as possible with ONE ANOTHER.
B: is financial equity the most important thing to you in a relationship or is it that you have been burnt financially through past relationships and still have an old program or negative expectation running in your head?
C: are you asking what constitutes fair contribution because you are afraid of being taken advantage of youself, or are you worried you'll be taking advantage of her position?

As far as the kids are concerned, they will ultimately always remain her responsibility, but if you care for her, you will also understand that she is a package deal and hopefully over time you will come to care for her children just as deeply and consider their needs just as selflessly as she does, in which case providing for them will no longer be an issue of "who pays what".

Remember, if you are seriously contemplating building a life with this woman, its basically all or nothing. You cant do love by half measures. You just end up holding each other at arms length and wasting each others time (not to mention wasting each others hearts). To quote Kahlil Gibran, there's no point "living in a seasonless world where you laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears".

The point I'm trying to make here is that if you love her, its really not that important to figure this stuff out right now. Trying to structure all this before you get into the thick of it is going about it all backwards. You cant go beyond where you havent yet begun. And good grief man, how about just giving yourself some room to enjoy falling in love! And if the LOVE is equitable, totally mutual and your regard for one another is matched in every way, if you both give 100% IN YOUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, then everthing else will be equitable as a natural consequence.

The day-to-day stuff comes on its own and as long as you are being forthright with one another things will work themselves out. Be careful not to over step the boundaries with the kids in the early stages though. Always ask her permission about things you are unsure of and never seek to discipline them unless she has extended that right to you. That kind of trust takes a while to develop and as a mother she will need to be sure that you genuinely have her childrens interests at heart.

At the end of the day there are only three important things in a situation like this, and this is speaking from experience...
Love
Honesty
Communication

My experience is not going to be yours. We're all different and have very diverse relationship experiences, expectations and fears. If you know yourself well however, it makes things so much easier, and you will be brave enough to face the truths of your own heart no matter how vulnerable it makes you feel.

And ultimately, if you have these questions you need to talk to HER. You need to discuss these matters together and come to amicable agreements regarding what you are both willing to contribute, financially and domestically, and moreover, what your expectations are of one another. Although you might feel awkward and exposed just coming out with these questions and concerns, trust me, she will greatly appreciate you being able to speak your mind (most women actually find it refreshingly sexy!). You will probably find she has similar concerns and will be relieved to have an open forum.

And at the end of the day Love, if in fact it is true, will find a way. And if not, then its always an important learning curve for when Miss Right does come along.

I hope things work out well for you.

Answer 3

Don't do it you care too much about what it's going to cost you or so it seems to me I have friends who have kids doesn't make them less of a catch actually they have more to offer a family loving environment unless that's what you want with all the bills that go with it forget it...if you loved her you wouldn't care about money.

Answer 4

You are making it sound to technical.

Let the relationship develop, and everything will fall into place...........if you love her none of this will matter

Answer 5

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is do NOT marry or date a single mother. EVER!!

Answer 6

do not do it